i am not my story

This week was so long. Time always slows down when I’m depressed. And it takes me forever to realize that I’m depressed and not just a mess of a human being.

Instead of fighting the depression, my strategy lately has been to just let it be. Watch it and try to figure out what it’s here to tell me. Which can be extremely painful while I’m beating myself up for not being a functional member of society and binge watching the worst shows on Hulu.

I was sick this week too, which made it harder to snap out of it and convince myself I was feeling fine. So I cuddled up and watched way too many shows and didn’t even open the blinds.

But yesterday I decided I had to do something else, so I finished the last chapter of The Path to Love by Deepak Chopra. Of course, it was amazing, and totally made me cry. It’s the worst reading about love when you feel absolutely unlovable, but that’s probably when you need it the most.

So I was reading and then one of the lines stuck out: “The love you seek is seeking you at this moment.” I had forgotten all about my quest for love and wholeness. The spark came on again and I realized what this latest episode of feeling alone and unwanted was trying to teach me.

I am not my story.

Even though all of these things had been happening to me, they weren’t me. They were all here to teach me how much bigger and wider and timeless I am than all of this. Once again I had gotten too caught up in the role I’m here to play and began to take everything way too seriously.

I love those moments when it totally clicks. You can see the aha like a flash of light to jerk your back into being. Into the present. Because that’s where all the magic is.

Now that I’m feeling more like myself again I’m ready to enjoy my favorite day of the week: Self Care Sunday!

full blood moon lunar eclipse in aquarius

Welcome to the Full Blood Moon Lunar Eclipse in Aquarius! That’s a mouthful. And like all of it’s special attributes, you too might be feeling overwhelmed lately. So many planets are retrograde right now, including Mercury, but that’s a whole other post.

Every cell of my body has felt the change in the air over the past week. It’s like an electric current pulsing throughout the atmosphere.

I caught myself doing a lot: worrying, fearing, doubting… all of the things that are keeping me from where I really want to be.

And that’s in the flowwwww.

We come and go, but it’s always there, waiting for us to return. What is it you need to return to? Where have you lost yourself deep in your mind and forgotten that planning, and analyzing, and planning again won’t make you feel as safe as you think.

The only safety is in letting go.

So let go.

Stop holding on so tight to how you think things will manifest and look to see how they are actually showing up in your world.

Everything you asked for is here, it’s just waiting for you to open your eyes and acknowledge it.

I know life has been crazy lately, but take a moment to go somewhere quiet. Outside is always nice. But even if it’s just for one breath, close your eyes and allow yourself to just be.

Rest is an important part of the process. Things need time in the dark to develop and grow. Don’t confuse the quiet with stagnation. Remember that cycles are part of life. Enjoy whatever part you’re at in yours 🙂

Resources you might enjoy too:

http://www.mysticmamma.com/lunar-eclipse-full-moon-in-aquarius-july-27th-2018/

https://www.astrograph.com/horoscopes/overviews/2018/July/27

http://www.astrologyhub.com/july-2018-aquarius-full-moon-lunar-eclipse/

http://www.thehoodwitch.com/blog/2018/7/26/the-age-of-aquarius-lunar-eclipse-magic-to-inspire-social-justice

Circe Invidiosa

Painting by John William Waterhouse

don’t waste my time

If you aren’t ready to jump in the deep end with me, don’t waste my time.

I’m constantly shedding old ways of being to make room for the new. I’m going all in this lifetime!

So before you approach me, check in with your intentions. Do you know what they are? Not knowing is the surest way to create chaos in your life, and the lives of others.

When you can see what you want crystal clear, and if that is me, not some version of who you think I should be… hit me up!

I’m ready for some real lovin’. That soul awakening, music making, walking on the air kinda love.

I know things will never be perfect – how boring would that be anyway – but if you’re willing to put in the work, I am too.

What do you think we could create? What beautiful things can we bring into this world? Where can we transform the dull and dreary to gold?

Everywhere baby!!

Just let me know when you’re ready and I’ll be by your side.

photo by Kathryn Burns for LOOM

the alchemy of life

What I’ve always thought was my greatest weakness, it turns out, is my greatest strength. I feel everything! And I feel it into the depths of my soul.

Before, I thought that being sensitive was a curse. It’s like living with the tv always on full blast and in technicolor. But recently I’m realizing how dope this is! The way I came to appreciate this special gift is by immersing myself deeper and deeper in life.

Before I would try to numb myself or run away. It was all a lot to process. But for the past few years I’ve started to say yes. Yes to everything! Yes to jobs I don’t think I’m ready for. Yes to relationships I’m pretty sure will end in failure. Yes to whatever life brings to me, no matter how scary and uncomfortable the situation may seem.

And you know what? The more I embrace and celebrate and live, the more highs and lows I allow myself to experience, the more life I live, the more magical it all becomes.

Sure it’s a little crazy to actually live life to the fullest. A lot of people talk about it, but how many people actually do? How many people really let life take them on this ride? And while I’m still learning how to surrender to everything without putting up a fight, I am getting pretty damn good at it.

I know it’s scary to not protect yourself and your heart all time. But that armor is heavy my love. And by closing yourself and your heart off from all the beauty life is trying it’s best to bring you, you are missing out on what this is all about.

Sure making money and “achieving” seem like really noble pursuits, but so many times they are distractions. They keep us from finding out who we really are. They stop us from breaking ourselves open and allowing life to rush in. Heartbreak and loss are just part of the deal. But if you let them, they will turn you into gold.

That’s the real secret: alchemy. That every single horrible and wonderful thing you experience has been given to you in order to help you transform. To guide you one step closer to being. To help you find who you truly are and what you came here to share with the world.

escaping myself

A lot of times I keep stuff bottled up inside, because I’m scared of what people will think if I tell them the truth. I feel like my feelings are usually too much for other people. Seems like nobody is ever on my level lol.

So today I told people some big things. And it feels better, but also worse. It feels better that I’m not the only one who knows anymore, but it sucks because nothing changed. And maybe that is just me being selfish and wanting to get my way.

I thought that by facing the situations and not running away they would work out differently. Usually I run away and hide and don’t tell people the things I need to tell them the most.

When I went through a bad breakup a few years ago and nobody seemed to really care or be able to be there for me. I grieved for so long and people couldn’t understand why I didn’t just get over it. Like you’re still sad about that??

My highs are too high and my lows are too low.

I feel like I’m stuck in a Telenovela. When did my life turn into this much drama and twists and surprises. I’m realizing I cut my hair to find something to control. Something to jerk me out of this crazy world. But that didn’t work.

Maybe I should just stop doing stuff. But avoiding has been working really well – jk. I’m scared to get quiet and feel the feels. I should just go to yoga and cry it all out, but it’s so damn hot outside I can’t bring myself to do yoga in a 100 degree room. Maybe that’s the type of cleansing I need tho…

eclipse me

It’s time again. To step across the threshold into the unknown. I keep thinking that it’s the end, there’s nothing left to change. But then it’s time to evolve and enter a new reality again. Life is funny that way. You never stay comfortable for too long – if at all.

Before I thought that all of these crises meant I was majorly fucking up. But… now I’m starting to think that they’re here to help me get where I’m going faster than I could on my own.

Every time I think I’ve been broken open to the very core, something comes along and forces me open a bit more. I’m constantly realizing that the depth I feel is endless. There is no bottom to reach.

That’s kind of terrifying, right? But also kind of exciting.

I’ve let go of as many expectations and plans and control as I could lately. It’s scary to just go along for the ride, but things are way better than before.

At least in some areas. I constantly find myself swinging from one extreme to the other. I haven’t figured out how to stay in the middle ground yet. How to balance work and play. Loving without getting attached. Fulfilling my need for security, but also my need to create and fully experience this life.

I’m hoping that this eclipse is the reset button that will put all the right pieces in the right place. Show me how to feed my soul. Show me how to take care of the physical things. Show me how to love and be loved. Show me to create without fear. There are so many things I’ve been working towards, but I need a little extra hint on where to go next.

Not that signs haven’t been showing up. I saw three double rainbows in the past three weeks. Repeating numbers are everywhere. But part of me is still skeptical and thinks I might just finally be losing it lol.

It’s like having a word on the top of your tongue. I can see all of my dreams coming true and living that beautiful life, but I just can’t quite figure out how to grab them yet.

I keep reminding myself that what’s meant for me will find me, no matter what. Life is happening for me, not to me. And to just breathe and be in the moment. But patience is not my default setting. It’s something I’m constantly practicing.

I should give myself more credit. I’ve seen so much shift in the past few months. I’m learning a lot and I barely recognize my world now. But I’m always striving for more.

Did you see that crazy sunset the other night with the lightning storm? I could feel the electricity surging through the air. Through every cell in my body. We are all capable of tapping into that primordial power any time. Why is it so scary to live our dreams? To be who we know we’ve always been. What are we afraid of losing?

Going through my Saturn return is definitely teaching me the graceful art of letting things go when it’s time. The tighter you hold on, the more rope burns you get. What’s going is leaving to make room for more of what we are each calling in. Maybe not what we think we want, but definitely what we need on our deepest soul level.

I’m going to take my own advice and open myself even more to the changes sweeping through me. I will grieve what leaves. But know that something better than I could dream on my own is making it’s way towards me.

It’s all about trust.

photo Tess Comrie

wardrobe My Little Belleville

makeup Ash Ho