isolation: my favorite unhealthy coping mechanism

I’ve been struggling a lot with isolation lately and realized that it ties into three other issues I’m working through currently: attachment, self punishment, and suicide. I know all of these are heavy topics, but I hope by speaking openly and honestly about them we can begin to heal these wounds.

Anyways, I hope this video finds anyone who is searching for a little extra love… you are not alone 💜

https://youtu.be/szpS2C7ukys

back at it

This past week was r o u g h. You know those weeks when everything goes wrong? When it feels like you took 20 steps backward and you’re stuck all the way at the bottom again? That was how I was feeling. I hated everything. I was angry. I was afraid. I wanted to hurt everyone, because I was hurting so bad.

Instead of telling myself to snap out of it, I just sat in all the shit. It was messy and uncomfortable and made me crazy… but then I woke up today and it was gone.

What I’ve been realizing lately is that even if I want to give up, I can’t. Even when I feel like I just can’t do it one more day… somehow the day goes by and I’m still here.

The thing I liked the best about not trying to be “positive” or feel better or change my mood, was that I totally experienced all of it. The dirty depths. And now I’m ready to move on. Too many times, I try to fix everything too quickly, and I think that’s how I end up in the same mess again. I never actually let myself do the work and go through what I need to. I’m trying too hard to find peace and comfort again.

I think we all do that.

Being uncomfortable sucks. But unfortunately, that’s how we grow. And once we choose that path, there is no going back. No matter how much we kick and scream and protest. We can’t unchoose.

So today, I’m choosing again. And my choice is to find peace in what is. To stop blaming myself and condemning myself as a failure. To see my bloss as a work in progress. To remember the power and complexity inside of me. To allow myself to be human.

I hope you can give yourself that blessing too

photo by Russell Alboroto for Loom

remembering your worth

“It’s time to remember now, that you my dear one, were born worthy. I know you have been taught to search for this worth, taught to find ways to prove your value, find ways to be so that you are given, but dearest love, this was an accident… a teaching that was instilled in us, by those lost to their beauty and given worth as well.”

Sarah Blondin

Remembering Your Worth Meditation

the perfect reminder to continue practicing self love through whatever may be coming to the surface 💜

she who is coming into being

The new moon and Uranus entered Taurus this morning, only a few hours apart, and considering Uranus changes signs every 7ish years I think it’s only logical to expect a big bang. But what does that mean when it has entered such a slow and steady sign? Taurus’ definitely like to do things in their own time. I know this firsthand from raising the sweetest, and also most stubborn, little Taurus of my own. He can’t be persuaded or begged or bribed to do anything that he simply doesn’t want to do. I’ll leave the forecasting to the astrologers, but I’ll bet this next 7 years will be Taurus as I’ve never seen it before.

Las night I was sitting on my porch, drinking in the sweet smell of the fresh plants and the crisp air after rain. Just taking it all in. I’ve been avoiding stillness, for maybe the last week or so. I’ve been feeling on edge, and guess I was afraid of slowing down and what I would find. I thought I would probably just start crying again lol.

As I was seeking alignment for this giant energetic shift, I received a lovely message. It softly told me to focus on “she who is coming into being.” And you guessed it, I started crying.

I haven’t looked back in a long time and given myself credit for how far I’ve come. I’ve been so concerned with everything that I still need to do, and feel like I can never accomplish. It’s a lot! But that all goes back to my trust issues. I need to trust that I have enough time. Trust that what is for me will come, no matter how impossible it seems. Trust that I’m loved and supported and haven’t been forgotten. One of my favorite Sarah Blondin meditations to revisit when I’m feeling this way is Learning to Surrender.

There has been a lot for me to surrender and turn over to a higher power. Trusting that the Universe has my back and my world isn’t falling apart, it’s falling together. Using my senses to enjoy the world has been a good way for me to ground into what’s right here, right now.

Over the weekend I took a quick trip to Capitol Reef. It was comforting to be surrounded by nature. I took my shoes off and dug my feet into the deep sand. I felt the earth under my feet. I let the rocks support me as I snuggled into the soft sandstone seats. Taurus has been supporting me before I even realized it.

I’ll continue to stop and smell every flower and employ my senses in delighting in the abundant and magical world around me. Trusting that “she is coming into being,” she is here. I just need to get out of my own way and let her bloom.

From Kathy Biehl at Astrology Hub

The Taurus New Moon invites us to savor the sensuality and physicality of existence.  If only it would allow us to mosey over and sample them in our own sweet time.
This Moon’s energies are uncommonly highly charged for the sign and allow little chance for snoozing or otherwise missing the excitement.  They may, in fact, send us running in search of solid ground. Or hugs. Or bread and chocolate.
read the entire forecast here.

From Henry Seltzer for Astrograph

Once you find out for yourself what is your actual bottom line, your most sincere soul-level value that you cannot refrain from acting upon, you have an amazing set of clues to propel you through life. You are enabled to find the comfort of knowing what you are up to, an actual sense of meaning. And this can be an enormous comfort in the midst of challenging and changing times.
read the entire forecast here.

From Mystic Mamma

Through our acts may we pioneer new ways that help transform our cultural views of both the Earth and Women. For beyond gender, this shift is a move toward the Feminine Principle within all of Creation being honored and valued.
The bridge is a return to the Earth, to our body and to our senses through which we can communicate directly with the Life Stream that pulses throughout all of Creation.
Through these times of change, ground into the Mamma Earth, spend time in Nature and remember that music is a portal that opens the body to the feeling realms. And so it begins…
read the entire forecast here.

photo by Kathryn Burns

for Loom Curated

directed by Kaela Rawson

flowers by tinge floral & soil and stem

only the lonely

How often do you feel completely and totally alone? For me, it comes in waves, but mostly all the time I feel lonely. And loneliness is weird, because for me, it’s an intense craving to share the beauty of life with someone I care about deeply who feels the same way for me. Someone who feels like home in this strange world. The thing is; I just don’t feel completely at home here, I’m always homesick for a place I vaguely remember that was full of endless love and comfort. Maybe that was just my mom’s uterus lol.

But loneliness is a hard thing to live with. And I hate all those people that say it’s because you don’t love yourself enough. I love myself so much! The problem is I have too much love. I’m overflowing with love and need somewhere else to put all of it. My heart simply can’t contain it.

Something I’ve been understanding about myself better and better lately is just how deep I can love. My heart goes down to infinity, and inside of it I find every single facet of life. That’s why I’m always crying, because I’m in love with everything. But this world is transient and the things I love leave or die. That’s never something I get better at. Every loss feels just as fresh right now as when it first broke my heart. I have been learning to appreciate the beauty of death, and endings as new beginnings though… so much new can grow from the old. If we let it.

The hardest part about having all of this love, is that most people don’t understand. They think I’m crazy when I’m like, “Hey. I know we just met, but I love you.” Especially the guys I date. But it seems like with romance they all want a brief taste, until they realize that it’s just too much and too real. They can’t match my consistency and longevity. That always hurts. But I also think men really need to grow up and be real men, not little boys who are scared to share their heart or their life because they are so focused on themselves. Why live a life and not share it with as many people as you can, loving them all so deeply that there isn’t anything left? It seems like a real waste to me.

The first man that taught me that he couldn’t love me and I wasn’t good enough was my father. He left before I was even born and didn’t seem to care at all about the deep scars that left me. When I was little, all I wanted was a dad. Dads were so cool and so fun! But mine didn’t want me. So when I started dating, I unconsciously chose men that I knew would always leave and weren’t emotionally available. I thought that was what love was: a man that wanted to have sex with you and then throw you away when he found someone else, but only after teasing you with tastes of true intimacy. Those would always be downplayed until you were convinced that you had imagined how that one time he was so sweet to you and treated you so well.

I’ve been doing that for a long time. Giving my love to men who can’t handle it and probably don’t deserve it. And I would like to say that I’ve stopped, I keep thinking I have, that this guy is different… but he never is. I never realize until after my heart has been broken that he was just like all of the others. But I can’t stop loving. That’s what I was made to do. A fish couldn’t stop swimming even if you told it to, it would die. And I would die without loving.

So my question lately has been: Is love ever going to be real for me? Does a man even exist who could return my love and stick around for a while? A man who wants to build a life with me? Maybe that’s just not my path.. no matter how much I want to be married and live a simple, ordinarily beautiful life. Maybe I didn’t come here to do that. I’m having a really hard time accepting that though. But it also feels like it’s totally happening to me. Like I said before, I’ve never been lucky in love. Maybe I should just get a dog or something…

Being sensitive is a full time job. Crying at every sad song on the radio. Crying because you saw a tiny puppy doing it’s wiggly walk across the street. Crying because you feel like a freak because you’re always crying. One day, I want to be able to say that I’ve finally learned how to use my sensitivity as a strength. Believe me, it takes a lot of strength to keep my heart open and let every thing touch me, instead of shutting down and closing everything out. There is so much suffering in the world. And I am acutely aware of all of it.

I guess that’s my challenge: living each day with an open heart, knowing that it will continue to get broken, but still loving anyways.

tired of waiting

I guess I’ve been feeling a little bit rebellious lately. A little bit destruction. And very impatient. Usually, I try to tell myself how these aren’t ‘positive’ or ‘spiritual’ things to feel and so I try to avoid or change them. But more and more lately, I’ve been feeling really connected to them, and decided that that’s how I feel! I don’t want to feel light and happy all the time. Theres something I enjoy about the deep, nebulous quality these feelings arose in me.

As I decided to connect more and more with these feelings, I realized that for a long time (like my whole life) I haven’t been totally honest with myself about what I want. I thought that what I wanted wasn’t ok, so I would try to convince myself to walk the higher road or some other bullshit. But that’s just not true for me all the time.

I really started to identify with these dark feelings while reading a book called The Origins and History of Consciousness by Erich Neumann which talks a lot about the primordial mother and how before she became separated into the Good Mother and Evil Mother, she was all in one. She was destruction and creation. And I realized that for many years I’ve been striving so hard to live only in the light, and I’ve completely neglected the dark. In my teenage years I was mostly living in the dark, so now it’s about finding balance.

Allowing myself to be connected more and more with the dark side, I’m able to be honest about what I want. And not just what I think I should want. Those are two very different things.  For so long I’ve tried to convince myself that what I wanted wasn’t acceptable and to strive for something beyond this material plane. But, guess what, I’m living on a material plane and I want material things. I was talking to a friend the other day and he was saying how he is working to destroy the idea that being poor means being humble. I didn’t realize how many of my old behaviors were tied up in this belief system.

Growing up poor I always wanted more material things, but then my family and religion at the time would always teach that material things weren’t worth striving for and not a spiritual way to live. It was a sin. But as I’ve gotten older I can see how much material wealth the particular religion controls and they simply aren’t living what they teach. It started to dawn on me that people in power teach that so they don’t have competition for material resources. And I really believe that this world has more than enough for everyone, but when a tiny percent control the vast majority of resources it is a competition instead of being a natural distribution. There is more than enough for everyone to enjoy the material wealth of our beautiful planet.

So I’ve been slowly admitting to myself that one thing I really want is material wealth. I want to live in a beautiful house (white with a courtyard, white kitchen, floor to ceiling windows, studio space, and all my favorite plants), I also want to not worry how I’m going to pay my bills every month, I want a comfortable lifestyle. I want to travel. I want to buy cute clothes that reflect who I am. I want to drive a white tesla. There are a lot of material things that I want. And even though it goes against everything I was brought up to believe, I want to pursue and acquire these material things. What if everything I was programmed to believe wasn’t even true and I was wasting my life trying to live like some saint when there really aren’t any rules. It’s all a game! And I want to have fun playing it.

So I’m done with the idea that I can’t be filthy fucking rich and enjoy material possessions and also grow spiritually. Money is just another energy and having more or less doesn’t make you more or less spiritual. I’m done believing all the spiritual teachers and gurus that say money is tied to your self worth. I highly value myself and that has never translated into dollars and cents. And this isn’t to say that I don’t think there aren’t other very valuable things that money can’t buy… you can be rich in love and so many other ways. But for now, I am finally admitting that I want material things just as much as I do spiritual. And that’s a hard thing to say out loud.