escaping myself

A lot of times I keep stuff bottled up inside, because I’m scared of what people will think if I tell them the truth. I feel like my feelings are usually too much for other people. Seems like nobody is ever on my level lol.

So today I told people some big things. And it feels better, but also worse. It feels better that I’m not the only one who knows anymore, but it sucks because nothing changed. And maybe that is just me being selfish and wanting to get my way.

I thought that by facing the situations and not running away they would work out differently. Usually I run away and hide and don’t tell people the things I need to tell them the most.

When I went through a bad breakup a few years ago and nobody seemed to really care or be able to be there for me. I grieved for so long and people couldn’t understand why I didn’t just get over it. Like you’re still sad about that??

My highs are too high and my lows are too low.

I feel like I’m stuck in a Telenovela. When did my life turn into this much drama and twists and surprises. I’m realizing I cut my hair to find something to control. Something to jerk me out of this crazy world. But that didn’t work.

Maybe I should just stop doing stuff. But avoiding has been working really well – jk. I’m scared to get quiet and feel the feels. I should just go to yoga and cry it all out, but it’s so damn hot outside I can’t bring myself to do yoga in a 100 degree room. Maybe that’s the type of cleansing I need tho…

eclipse me

It’s time again. To step across the threshold into the unknown. I keep thinking that it’s the end, there’s nothing left to change. But then it’s time to evolve and enter a new reality again. Life is funny that way. You never stay comfortable for too long – if at all.

Before I thought that all of these crises meant I was majorly fucking up. But… now I’m starting to think that they’re here to help me get where I’m going faster than I could on my own.

Every time I think I’ve been broken open to the very core, something comes along and forces me open a bit more. I’m constantly realizing that the depth I feel is endless. There is no bottom to reach.

That’s kind of terrifying, right? But also kind of exciting.

I’ve let go of as many expectations and plans and control as I could lately. It’s scary to just go along for the ride, but things are way better than before.

At least in some areas. I constantly find myself swinging from one extreme to the other. I haven’t figured out how to stay in the middle ground yet. How to balance work and play. Loving without getting attached. Fulfilling my need for security, but also my need to create and fully experience this life.

I’m hoping that this eclipse is the reset button that will put all the right pieces in the right place. Show me how to feed my soul. Show me how to take care of the physical things. Show me how to love and be loved. Show me to create without fear. There are so many things I’ve been working towards, but I need a little extra hint on where to go next.

Not that signs haven’t been showing up. I saw three double rainbows in the past three weeks. Repeating numbers are everywhere. But part of me is still skeptical and thinks I might just finally be losing it lol.

It’s like having a word on the top of your tongue. I can see all of my dreams coming true and living that beautiful life, but I just can’t quite figure out how to grab them yet.

I keep reminding myself that what’s meant for me will find me, no matter what. Life is happening for me, not to me. And to just breathe and be in the moment. But patience is not my default setting. It’s something I’m constantly practicing.

I should give myself more credit. I’ve seen so much shift in the past few months. I’m learning a lot and I barely recognize my world now. But I’m always striving for more.

Did you see that crazy sunset the other night with the lightning storm? I could feel the electricity surging through the air. Through every cell in my body. We are all capable of tapping into that primordial power any time. Why is it so scary to live our dreams? To be who we know we’ve always been. What are we afraid of losing?

Going through my Saturn return is definitely teaching me the graceful art of letting things go when it’s time. The tighter you hold on, the more rope burns you get. What’s going is leaving to make room for more of what we are each calling in. Maybe not what we think we want, but definitely what we need on our deepest soul level.

I’m going to take my own advice and open myself even more to the changes sweeping through me. I will grieve what leaves. But know that something better than I could dream on my own is making it’s way towards me.

It’s all about trust.

photo Tess Comrie

wardrobe My Little Belleville

makeup Ash Ho

never settle

After a day of adventure we were hangry. I had been trying to avoid going there at all costs, I hoped maybe he wouldn’t be working… but he was. Yikes.

I was nervous and kinda weird, but he was way nice to me and my family. My mom was all excited because she told me she had a ‘feeling’ about him when I first told her I met him. Her actually liking the guy I like is a miracle.

I was sad after we left because things between us hadn’t worked out how I wanted, and somewhere inside I still hoped we could end up together. I wanted my mom to be right (I think this is like the only time that happened lol).

Seeing him just made the whole situation seem more lonely to me. I could never tell him all the things I wanted to, there was too much! That’s the worst kind of regret.

But then I realized – fuck that! I’m done wanting people who don’t want me. I’m done with men who think they want me, but are only interested in my looks and don’t stop to ask how I feel about anything. And men who want to be 1/2 in 1/2 out. Just because we want the same prefab house… that isn’t love.

I’m fucking dope, and until I find the man who sees that, and who I think is equally dope, I’m cool with staying single.

No more unrequited love. No more doing girlfriend things for guys who can’t commit to having a girlfriend. I know what I’m worth and they aren’t willing to pay the price: commitment, communication, and holding each other down 100%.

I’m the queen of giving people so many chances and convincing myself that I can see how good they are under all the mess, if only they could see it too! But, the thing is… no matter how true that might be, if they aren’t willing to live that, then it doesn’t matter. Love is about action that is happening right now. Not some possibility in the future of them finally deciding to be who you want them to. And that’s not fair anyway, asking someone to be something just for you.

How did it take me a lifetime to learn this? And I’m sure I’ll forget and have to learn it over again. The lesson repeats as needed, right? lol

photo by Heather Nan for Soil and Stem

keep on keeping on

June has been pretty much the worst. A situation returned that I never thought I could survive again, and I’ve been crumbling under the stress and self doubt brought on by this major disaster. I was doing a horrible job at coping. I stopped smiling at people. I was mean to my mom. I started binge watching shows, just to avoid reality, because I felt like I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t handle this, not again.

I was drowning in my depression and shame and self doubt. I was too embarrassed to really tell anyone what was going on, or ask for help. I felt completely hopeless and wished a mountain lion would eat me or just not wake up the next morning. I know that sounds like a lot, but it seemed like literally the only way out. I was so stuck. A few days I woke up feeling like my normal self, but most mornings as soon as I opened my eyes all the pain and suffering came rushing back in, and I didn’t have the strength to stop it.

After feeling bad for myself, and trying to blame anyone else I could think of, I was running out of options. I tried to listen to my dreams, hike, meditate, get a massage.. all the things that normally help me find some balance again. Nothing seemed to work at all. It totally sucked that I was in that much pain, but felt like I had no one to confide in. Nobody that had my back.

The universe was always there though. Sending me birds, kind strangers, and a million other signs that I was too angry and dismissive to see, or let myself believe in. They felt like a cruel joke. Telling me to keep going when they knew there was nothing but more suffering ahead. Everywhere I turned and prayed and pleaded for a sign, I would see something saying to keep going, that things were getting better, but it didn’t feel like that at all.

Monday I went to the park and had a picnic with myself. I decided to just sit down and listen to whatever came. I brought a book I’m reading (Deepak Chopra’s The Path to Love) and my new journal. I started reading and came to a chapter about letting go.

Have you ever had one of those moments where it’s like you’re reading something written by someone else, but you swear it was written only for you? Like how could they see so deep into your soul? That’s what happened. Every word pierced through the heaviness surrounding me and little bits of light started streaming in.

Sitting on the grass I was suddenly surrounded by so much beauty that I hadn’t noticed was there. The tall trees, birds singing their funny song, butterflies darting around me. I finally dropped my guard enough to let the world in, and waves of peace washed over me.

I probably looked a little silly crying all alone on my blanket in the park at 2pm, but I didn’t care anymore. I wasn’t aware of how much weight I had been carrying, until it began lifting off my shoulders and out of my heart.

And then the voice I had been seeking, but unable to hear in so long, started talking to me again. She reminded me of my strength, and that just like I did before, I could get through this again. She whispered of love and hope and change coming my way. She hadn’t forgotten me.

I realized that whatever the difficult situation is that you are going through, that isn’t the important part. Yes, it’s important to address it and do your best to create a reality you are more comfortable with, but each of these challenges comes to teach us something. To help us grow. The most important thing is how you handle it. Are you closed off and resisting? Or are you able to stay open and soft?

Believe me, I know that sometimes you need to close and be angry, your survival can depend on it. But, when you are ready, something beautiful and amazing is there and ready to help carry you into the future. No matter how alone you feel, it is always there, loving and guiding you. Simply relax into the moment and open your heart, my love.

Your power is held in surrender. When you are rigid you limit your choices and constrict yourself. Enmeshing yourself further and deeper into that which you are trying to escape. By letting go into the flow, your trust opens the magical doorways that were created for you to flow through.

isolation: my favorite unhealthy coping mechanism

I’ve been struggling a lot with isolation lately and realized that it ties into three other issues I’m working through currently: attachment, self punishment, and suicide. I know all of these are heavy topics, but I hope by speaking openly and honestly about them we can begin to heal these wounds.

Anyways, I hope this video finds anyone who is searching for a little extra love… you are not alone 💜

back at it

This past week was r o u g h. You know those weeks when everything goes wrong? When it feels like you took 20 steps backward and you’re stuck all the way at the bottom again? That was how I was feeling. I hated everything. I was angry. I was afraid. I wanted to hurt everyone, because I was hurting so bad.

Instead of telling myself to snap out of it, I just sat in all the shit. It was messy and uncomfortable and made me crazy… but then I woke up today and it was gone.

What I’ve been realizing lately is that even if I want to give up, I can’t. Even when I feel like I just can’t do it one more day… somehow the day goes by and I’m still here.

The thing I liked the best about not trying to be “positive” or feel better or change my mood, was that I totally experienced all of it. The dirty depths. And now I’m ready to move on. Too many times, I try to fix everything too quickly, and I think that’s how I end up in the same mess again. I never actually let myself do the work and go through what I need to. I’m trying too hard to find peace and comfort again.

I think we all do that.

Being uncomfortable sucks. But unfortunately, that’s how we grow. And once we choose that path, there is no going back. No matter how much we kick and scream and protest. We can’t unchoose.

So today, I’m choosing again. And my choice is to find peace in what is. To stop blaming myself and condemning myself as a failure. To see my bloss as a work in progress. To remember the power and complexity inside of me. To allow myself to be human.

I hope you can give yourself that blessing too

photo by Russell Alboroto for Loom

remembering your worth

“It’s time to remember now, that you my dear one, were born worthy. I know you have been taught to search for this worth, taught to find ways to prove your value, find ways to be so that you are given, but dearest love, this was an accident… a teaching that was instilled in us, by those lost to their beauty and given worth as well.”

Sarah Blondin

Remembering Your Worth Meditation