getting some rest

Maaaan today I have zero energy or motivation to get up. I can’t tell if I’m being lazy or my body really need the rest. I feel like a brick lol.

I’ve been working on things I can still lie down while doing… homework, emails, that kinda stuff. But, I told myself that in an hour I gotta take a shower and tackle the rest of the things on my to do list.

Even writing this seems like so much effort right now lol.

Oh man! I just realized my period is starting soon. That’s probably it. I get way tired and just want to sleep 24/7. My body goes into hibernation mode. I wish I could get work off and just sleep for 5 days straight. That would be amazing!

Well, now that I realized what might be going on I don’t feel so guilty for moving in slow motion this morning. Not forcing things is a continuous practice, especially in a country where it’s always about constant production.

I’m taking a guilt free nap. Take that capitalism!

falling back in love with me

Eclipse season was rough for me. So much old stuff came up that I didn’t feel strong enough to deal with… again.

But, despite feeling incapable somehow I made it through. I’m still here! I felt into my deepest wounds – boy they are infinite – and, amazingly, I found peace there. Somewhere in the depths all the hurt turned into calm. Weird right?

During that whole time I was feeling especially down on myself. Completely unlovable. Just a hideous mess. If I couldn’t love that, for sure nobody else could.

I always laugh at myself, because suddenly it always turns around. And I remember all the strength and tools I have. The choice to simply change my mind about what’s going on.

When I feel like I can’t go on anymore, like I’m literally going to die, something clicks… and I remember that life is like a spiral. The same stuff, just from different viewpoints.

This piece by Portia Nelson perfectly tells the story.

I

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk

I fall in.

I am lost…

I am hopeless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I’m in the same place.

But it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in…it’s a habit

My eyes are open; I know where I am;

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Even though it feels like I’ve been stuck forever, I realized that this time it only took a few weeks to get out of the hole. Before that would take me months… or even years.

One day I woke up and it was all gone. The fear, self loathing, all that negative mess holding me in silent suffering. The clouds in my mind were gone. And I remembered how incredible I am. And I’m not saying this is some overly confident way, but incredible just like you! Because I’m here, alive, another day. My mind was wrong about death. About not being enough.

I started to see myself in a more accurate way. Yes, I’m highly flawed (who isn’t?) but that doesn’t mean I can’t love myself or that nobody will ever love me. People do love me! And I love me!

Even though it’s been really hard I haven’t given up yet. I still believe that all my dreams are possible. They’re coming true. I’ve been focusing a lot on what I’m creating instead of what I’ve seen in the past.

Building a whole new world takes work. And a lot has to go to make room for it all. That’s a really hard part for me, letting go. Even if they are things I don’t necessary want just because they are comfortable. But that’s all part of the process.

Now, every morning I wake up excited to be me. Excited to see what I’ll get to do today. Excited to love myself and everyone around me. Being excited about Love instead of afraid is probably the most powerful change I’m making.

I won’t let the past stop me from believing that love is coming my way. And it’s already here! I feel lucky that I’ve had time to get ready and learn better how to love.

I’ve ruined a lot of relationships by not truly being committed to loving. But I think I’m ready now. I’m at least ready to try! So I’m building a circle of love with family, friends, and hopefully soon Him.

how to receive love ?

Last night I listened to Blood Orange’s new album, Negro Swan which is uhhhmazing btw, and there was this song called Hope that perfectly expressed what I’ve been feeling lately.

Puff Daddy says “Sometimes I ask myself, like you know, what is it going to take for me to not be afraid to be loved the way, like, I really wanna be loved? I know how I really wanna be loved but I’m like scared to really really feel that. You know it’s like you want something. But you don’t know if you can handle it.”

That’s exactly the place I’m at. I can totally envision and feel this great love that I deeply desire, but I’m scared I won’t find it or can’t handle it… or worst of all don’t deserve it.

So instead I choose to play it safe. Opening myself up that deep again terrifies me.

And then the other question is: will it ever come if I can’t 100% believe in it? Like how can I create something I’m scared to believe is possible? And will I ever feel worthy and ready?

“Maybe one day I’ll get over my fears and I’ll receive.”

awakening and other things

My existential crisis is continuing.

I’ve been starting to think that it’s more than just that. I’ve googled. Read books. Talked to friends. And meditated. It just seems like I can never find a satisfactory answer. My saturn return is coming up… it will be exact this December. So there’s that too. Physically, I’ve been feeling way weird too.

Two times during this summer I got intensely sick for a few days. I never get sick.

Besides feeling sick, and majorly depressed, there have been other symptoms. My neck was really sore for a few days. My skin feels itchy no matter how much I moisturize and the skin just looks regular, like no redness or anything. I haven’t been hungry at all. My body has no energy. Sometimes I’m not even sure if I’m in there anymore. I can’t really explain it.

Also emotional things have gotten way more intense. Sometimes I really do wonder if I’m losing it. I feel like I’m dying in like a psychological way. Like literally feel like I am in the throws of death, but I’m just sitting on a bench outside lol. It’s crazy.

On one level everything I thought I knew is totally gone and I am lost in complete chaos. But a deeper, knowing, part of me is at peace and fulfilled. I had this experience a few years ago… the love of my life broke up with me. It was over Skype, and right after he said the words I just felt a rush of calm. Like time stopped and I was engulfed in the most peaceful feeling I had ever experienced. But then, it was like that reality broke and all of the pain and anger and hurt came rushing in. I still haven’t found that peace or closure again.

So I’m living in simultaneous realities. Parts of me are up in flames and breaking apart, but other parts of me are so happy. I guess that’s what the path to wholeness looks like. It’s extremely messy. I have a lot to process and let go, and I also think it will be a never-ending process. You don’t just suddenly become whole one day, but in the beginning it’s the hardest because there is just so much to purge.

I can see the woman I am striving to become and she is BEAUTIFUL. She owns her power and is full of love. She is the creator. All of those things are in me now, or I wouldn’t be able to feel them. But getting rid of all this junk is psychologically, emotionally, physically, and spiritually the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

But it’s worth it right? It has to be, or it wouldn’t be so hard.

I can’t wait to see the other side of the storm.

make the jump

I heard the other day, that the things you least want to write about, are what the world most needs to hear.

The number one thing I have always felt lacking in my life life is a sense of stability and security. Growing up, I always felt really different from my family, like I never fit in the way they wanted me to or that they loved for who I am.

When I was in high school, I acted out a lot in response to the pain of feeling unloved and unwanted by my family. I hung out with friends my mom didn’t approve of, started doing drugs and drinking to numb the pain, and any other escape I could find to get away from the constant hurt that I felt. They say friends are the family you choose and I tended to gravitate toward other kids with dysfunctional family lives. We were all trying to find love and feel loved by someone.

I think it was my freshman year that I ran away. I thought that if I could finally be free of my mom, I could be myself and be accepted by a world that I could create. I was gone for maybe two weeks. I still remember when the two girls I had left with decided we should go home. I went to one of their houses. Her dad called my mom and asked if it was ok if I came home, my mom paused for what seemed like minutes, and then in a voice devoid of any emotion said, “I guess.”

This is what I always remember my relationship with my mom being like. She was distant and emotionally unavailable. She thought that by controlling me or telling me who to become that was being a good mom. She told me, and continues to say the words ‘I love you’, but I’ve never felt that she meant them. Her way of showing love has never made any sense to me.

I had gotten my first job and been working since 14. I know we were poor, but she made it very clearly that she wasn’t going to support me anymore once I could work. So I got whatever shitty job I could and tried to make it work. She never made my brother work though, and was always buying him stuff, even while complaining that he was addicted to playing computer games but always there to enable him. Never doing anything to encourage him otherwise. And he was the smart one. In high school I was always skipping class, but he was taking AP classes and earning college credit. Everyone thought I was the hopeless degenerate. I was just really sad and lonely.

When I was 18 she told me that I had to start paying rent or move out. We had just moved to Utah, which I never wanted to do, and I was trying to drop out of school. The counselor convinced me to do homeschool, so I finished my classes doing pre-made packets and got a part time job while I looked for an apartment. I couldn’t find anything that I could afford on my own, and didn’t know anyone to ask to be my roommate, so I moved into a place that I didn’t know how I would pay rent for every month, and blindly hoped it would work out. Looking back, that was one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made. It began a pattern of moving into places I couldn’t afford, creating bigger and bigger problems when I had to move out.

I moved back to California with my best friend for a little while, we rented a room from a woman and got into a bunch of debt trying to make ends meet. I couldn’t deal with the stress anymore. I was so tired of always being poor. One night I took a whole bottle of extra strength tylenol, because it was the easiest way I thought I could kill myself. I didn’t realize how sick it would make me. My friend came home from work and found me. She took me to the ER and I remember the nurse telling me that she knew I was sad, but to tell her I was ok so they didn’t have to send me away. She said the real crazy people were there… I still don’t know what she meant. I guess being sad enough to want to die doesn’t make you crazy?

my mom and Grandma came to see me in the hospital. My grandma gave me a little stuffed animal and told me not to tell her husband. My mom didn’t say much. After, they never really talked about it again, or asked me why, or tried to make me see a therapist. So I moved back to Utah and kept partying, trying unsuccessfully to numb everything inside of me.

It was always the same story: try to make it on a job that didn’t pay enough living in an apt that I couldn’t afford. Things got harder when I became a single mom. Without much help, I couldn’t get a job or go to school or really do anything to improve the situation. And babies are expensive! Somehow I got the sweetest little boy, I still don’t know why he chose me.

Over the years I’ve had chances to make more money, but there is always a trade off. The deal goes like this: sell us a little piece of your soul and then you’ll be able to eat and sleep comfortably. But nobody tells you that every little piece you sell breaks your spirit just a tiny bit more. During the past few years I’ve been trying to figure out what actually  makes me happy and how to support us doing that. Being born with a trust fund or getting married to someone willing to provide for you seem like the only ways to live my dreams. Every time I choose to leave a situation, job, or person that doesn’t feel right it seems like the Universe punishes me more severely.

The past three years have been the hardest of my life. After deciding to leave a job (that felt like my own personal hell) I was evicted after not being able to pay the astronomical rent anymore. They were the only place that would approve me, I should’ve never moved in, but I didn’t have any other options. I stayed with a friend for a while, and then when he moved, my mom reluctantly let us stay with her. But true to form, when I needed her most, she told me I couldn’t stay anymore. So I slept in my car for three months until I found a place with roommates. That didn’t work out. So I was back at my mom’s and then -surprise- she told me I couldn’t stay again.

But of course she texts me every day and tells me how much she loves me and asks how my day is and a bunch more nauseating bullshit. Why does she always abandon me when I need her the most?

Now we’re staying in an Airbnb, I keep telling myself to enjoy our mini staycation, but I know that after this we have nowhere left to go. My mom told me to check out the shelters downtown or maybe the YWCA. I’m angry and hurt and completely terrified. I I don’t know what to do next. I keep dreaming about falling into a void, after falling for what seems like forever, I notice that I’m somewhere deep in space. And I don’t exist anymore. I’m part of space, or it’s part of me, all there is nothingness.

I saw a billboard the other day that said ‘make the jump.’ I thought it was telling me to move to Europe or something crazy, to finally escape all the shit here! But now I’m starting to realize maybe it’s telling me to jump into the unknown. I don’t want to jump. I don’t want to face this fear. I don’t want to be homeless. That’s the thing that terrifies me the most. But I guess I’ve already lived through that… I don’t want to do it again though.

All I’ve ever wanted is to feel safe and secure. What if I never find that?

i am not my story

This week was so long. Time always slows down when I’m depressed. And it takes me forever to realize that I’m depressed and not just a mess of a human being.

Instead of fighting the depression, my strategy lately has been to just let it be. Watch it and try to figure out what it’s here to tell me. Which can be extremely painful while I’m beating myself up for not being a functional member of society and binge watching the worst shows on Hulu.

I was sick this week too, which made it harder to snap out of it and convince myself I was feeling fine. So I cuddled up and watched way too many shows and didn’t even open the blinds.

But yesterday I decided I had to do something else, so I finished the last chapter of The Path to Love by Deepak Chopra. Of course, it was amazing, and totally made me cry. It’s the worst reading about love when you feel absolutely unlovable, but that’s probably when you need it the most.

So I was reading and then one of the lines stuck out: “The love you seek is seeking you at this moment.” I had forgotten all about my quest for love and wholeness. The spark came on again and I realized what this latest episode of feeling alone and unwanted was trying to teach me.

I am not my story.

Even though all of these things had been happening to me, they weren’t me. They were all here to teach me how much bigger and wider and timeless I am than all of this. Once again I had gotten too caught up in the role I’m here to play and began to take everything way too seriously.

I love those moments when it totally clicks. You can see the aha like a flash of light to jerk your back into being. Into the present. Because that’s where all the magic is.

Now that I’m feeling more like myself again I’m ready to enjoy my favorite day of the week: Self Care Sunday!