Today, I’m going to stay cuddled in my bed, drink tea, and watch the snow fall outside of my window. I’m practicing just enjoying the moment and not forcing myself to always be “doing” something. If I die tomorrow I want to know that I enjoyed my last day 🙂
“I’m acknowledging my own contradictions and our collective moral flexibility – how we are simultaneously celebrating the sacredness of the natural world, while also engaging in practices that knowingly or unknowingly contribute to its destruction. We are balanced on a continuum between understanding the infinite nature of existence and participating in the mundane routine of daily life.”
I was just thinking about something… I’m really bad at endings. I can usually sense when something is over, or coming to an end, and know it’s time to move on. I’m the worst at communicating that though. Most of the time I just disappear. I hate having those conversations about why I’m leaving or whatever the thing is that isn’t working out for me anymore. So, instead of being honest about my feelings, I leave and never look back. It comes back to bite me in the ass though.
I don’t know where or how I learned that stealing away like a thief in the night is less painful for both parties than telling them why you have to go. I think part of it is that I hate having to explain why. Because there’s never a good answer. I just know it’s time to go. And they’re never satisfied with that.
Maybe I’m a lot like my Dad in that sense. At my last count he has almost 20 children… and he’s left most of them behind. I don’t know if he told my mom he was leaving or why, but I do know it was when she was only a few months pregnant. I think she said the only thing he ever bought her was a box of tea.
It’s extremely hard not to take someone leaving personally. Of course it had to be something you did (or didn’t do), or maybe said. But the truth is, someone leaving can never be about you. It’s always, entirely, about them. That’s crazy to think about because of all the people and situations I left and then realizing that people leaving me is the same thing. It’s never been about me, always them. And the crazy stories or theories I came up with to cope could never match the probably very simple reasons they left.
Maybe my Dad just didn’t want the responsibility of another child. I mean obviously it couldn’t be personal… I wasn’t even born yet! But it still feels like a very personal betrayal and rejection. Maybe I’ve left so many people so that I wouldn’t be the one getting left behind. Kind of like a preemptive strike thing. Or maybe I had to leave so many people and situations to realize that leaving isn’t a personal thing and to learn to stop taking it so seriously.
Anyways, it’s a pattern I’ve been noticing. One that I’m trying to unravel and transcend. How can I muster up the courage to talk through my reasons without feeling obligated to stay? I don’t know, I guess I have to try it first and see.
Nothing is personal. Everything is just a story we tell ourselves in order to cope with what we perceive as rejection. But how can we be cut off and rejected when we’re all so deeply intertwined?
I went to my special spot on my birthday feeling lonely and let down, so I thought I would go up there for my very own pity party. My expectations weren’t lining up with reality and I was feeling very woe is me. But when I stopped to listen, all I heard around me were reminders that I wasn’t alone. The river gurgling by, the birds singing, the wind in the trees. Everything was alive and living and breathing just like I was.
No matter how hard I may try to cut myself off… the Universe and all of it’s love and support is there to hold me. The greatest lie we’ve come to believe is that we are separate. But we’re all connected. So all of our fears of rejection are pointless.
What we can do better is to allow ourselves the freedom to follow our path. There is a path each one of us must walk alone, and where it leads only we know. It’s our special mission to figure out what we came here to do.
There are cycles of beginnings and endings that we must honor. Trying to force anything will never end up well. So maybe my disappearing act isn’t a failure, but an opening to the possibility of accepting the cycles of change with grace. I love that within every shadow there is light. Within every trial is the seed of success. Life is like a spiral upwards… it’s always the same you’re just being tested on a harder and higher level of understanding. Maybe that’s what Karr meant he said, “plus ça change, plus c’est la meme chose (the more it changes, the more it is the same).”
Happy Chinese New Year!
January seemed like it’s own year between the closure of December and now. Maybe it’s because my birthday is in a few days too, but I’m so excited for the upcoming year! This past month for me has been all about release, rest, and rejuvenation – easier said than done I’ll tell ya. I’m not great at relaxing, I usually end up feeling so guilty about not being productive that I don’t enjoy the break I’m treating myself to. But this past little while I stopped listening to that voice and gave my body, mind, and soul the self care it’s really been craving.
It feels so good to finally let go of things that I haven’t had the courage to face. Some things have been in there for years! But the more I let go, the lighter and more free I become. And that is an intoxicating feeling. Not being tied down and controlled by your past is the best feeling in the world!
The other day I was hit with a Uranus bolt of inspiration and realized what path I need to focus on… I won’t tell you just yet but I am so excited. I can see the pieces finally falling into shape and a discernible image being born. Things are finally making sense! All of a sudden someone turned on the light and I don’t know how I didn’t see all of this before.
Anyways, another part of my new year new me is that I’m going to start posting videos on the blog! I’ll link them through youtube. Sometimes a story needs to be told and not just written, so I’m going to start sharing more of my story with you guys. I’m really excited about all this beautiful new fresh energy and putting it to good use manifesting my dreams into reality. There is so much magic right now just waiting for us to incorporate it into our lives!
Check out two of my favorites below talking about the new moon/solar eclipse and then begin to decide how you can best use this energy to step across the threshold into this new era.
“You are not just the drop in the ocean. You are the mighty ocean in the drop.” — Rumi
From Mystic Mamma
“A palpable shift is occurring, a recognition that all has brought us to the precipice of this moment right now.
To step through we must bring mindful awareness to what this moment is asking of us.
This *NEW MOON* Solar Eclipse in Aquarius is a reset toward a different level of experience.
The shift is precisely in our outlook and our direct engagement with Life before us, around us and within us.
Real growth begets the full power of our presence. But to get there we must leave behind the imprints and patternings of the past.
We are the ambassadors of Spirit in human form, breaking out of the shell of past conditionings and opening into new experiential fields of depth and understanding.
And it all winds down to the quality of our presence, deeply listening and paying attention to what is right before us.”
read full article here
From Marina Macario on Astrology Hub
“A Solar Eclipse is a turbocharged New Moon. Generally, New Moon rituals are perfect for planting new seeds and starting afresh. We are essentially working on the blank canvas of the dark moon where our ideas can gestate in the new moon soil. But with an Eclipse, the Moon comes between the Sun and the Earth. Therefore the lunar interrupts the flow of energy. It breaks our habitual behavior and gives us a kind of cosmic reboot.
“The Moon blots out masculine/left brain energy for a while, so the feminine/right brain is flooded with instinctual and intuitive energy. This makes the unconscious, conscious, like when you become aware that you are dreaming. During an eclipse, like the lucid dream, we get that same sudden feeling of hyperawareness. We could do anything!”
read the full article here
Can you really have it all in love? Someone who is your best friend, committed to building a great relationship, and gives it you to you just how you want it? I’m not sure… Well, I really want to believe it’s true, but that seems impossible to find! I usually find one or two of those things, but not all three in one. It’s like I keep finding every triangular love pattern, but the one I really want: consummate love.
Is it settling to be in a relationship without all the sides? Companionate love has been looking realllll nice lately. Why have all the drama and heartache that comes with passion when you can go straight to being best friends forever? Who needs sex anyways?
Ok ok, finding commitment, intimacy, and passion in one guy is the dream! But it already happened once… so could I really find it again? Or was that my only chance? Also, am I even ready to really open myself up like that again? The more I think about it, the more I realize I keep finding unavailable men because I’m scared to open up like that again. Heartbreak is so hard to get over. It took me 5 years! And I don’t think it will ever stop hurting or fully heal. Every time I hear Bruno Mars I’m crying like an idiot in Whole Foods again.
So how can I open up and love someone and be vulnerable when I’m still so hurt from the last time? I know it’s stupid, but a part of me keeps hoping that one day he’ll come back. I don’t want to be in that relationship again though. But could I really find something better? Does that exist? How could someone make me feel more safe and understood and talented and loved and special and beautiful and wanted than he did? I mean, we moved to Italy! The bar is set pretty freaking high.
Wasting time on Instagram the other day I came across some really insightful questions by Devany Amber Wolfe (@serpentfire) about love. She was essentially saying that if you’re wondering or asking for advice on whether they are the one or not.. they probably aren’t. But anyways, here are the awesome questions she suggested if you aren’t feeling sure.
- Do you share values?
- Do you communicate effectively?
- Do you feel emotionally safe with them when things get heated?
- Do you trust them?
- Are you truly yourself with them?
- Are they kind?
After reading those I’m like oh my gosh.. will I ever even be ready to do all of those things with someone? I’ve gotten comfortable again the past little while with being alone. I love sleeping diagonally in my bed and having the freedom to make decisions only based on what I want… like maybe spontaneously moving to another country. But are those things worth more than what a healthy relationship gives you? The truth is.. I don’t know! For me, right now, they are. But I’m sure if the man of my dreams came along and swept me off my feet my answers would be totally different.
For now I’m going to keep enjoying my own company, and if Cupid does end up finding me, I’ll take the plunge into that terrifying and amazing experience again. No matter how much it hurt, I would definitely do it over as many chances as I get. Love is my favorite drug.
When did being yourself get so complicated? At what age did we first start changing ourselves because we realized that by doing it we made others happy? And we could get our needs for attention or whatever else it was met. When I think about this it makes me really sad, because I wish I could go back in time and find out who I was before I started to make everyone else happy. I understand that this was necessary, in many ways, for survival and all of that, but why is it still necessary now?
Have you ever noticed how much of yourself you hide from certain people (even the ones you love and trust the most), or what behaviors you change to make others comfortable. I’m all for creating spaces of harmony and respect but I don’t want to live by some script created that says is it’s the only way for me to get what I want: a paycheck, relationship, whatever it is. People are complicated. We’re like chameleons, constantly shifting to match our surroundings… but when does that start to drown out who we really are and what we really want?
The thing is, people don’t want you to tell the the truth about who you are. They can’t handle it. They want to put you in a cute little box and know exactly how you will behave in each situation. It’s scary to be unpredictable. They can’t protect themselves from possible hurt if they don’t know how you are going to behave. But god, everyone takes everything so seriously. And I mean don’t get me wrong, I do too, but I’ve been realizing more and more that every single thing each person (myself included) does is completely about them. And I’m tired of being responsible for other people’s emotions – that’s not my job.
I do my best to be honest and kind, but sometimes we activate old wounds in each other. And that’s good! Because how could we ever hope to heal them if we don’t bring them up to the surface for a good inspection. Healing is a painful process.
I guess my whole point of rambling this much is that I just want to live my life! I’m trying my very best to be sensitive and kind to others, but I feel so weighed down by their expectations of who and what they think I should be and the emotional labor they expect me to do for them. I have my own wounds I need to heal. I can’t tiptoe around everyone else.
And I also need to work on my gratitude. It’s so easy to forget how much you have and to always live in a state of scarcity. It’s crazy how when I have the least amount of material things I am always the happiest, because I am grateful for every. little. thing. The bird I just saw fly by, the buds forming on the trees, that my car has enough gas to get where I need to go! It’s taken a long time to learn, but I’m slowly figuring out that abundance really is a state you can live in, no matter your material possessions. The more material possessions I acquire the more scarcity I see. I guess I’m scared of losing it all. But when you don’t have much to lose (materially) you start to realize just how full of beauty and love and support the world is.
The past few months have been really rough financially for me. I haven’t paid my phone bill, car payment, car insurance, credit card payment… you get it. And today I was almost out of gas… so I woke up this morning and started catastrophizing and going deeper and deeper into all of the fears I have about money and never having enough and how will I feed us or take my son to school… imagining the worst of the worst happening. But then I realized those were all just stories I was telling myself. None of it had actually happened, and might never. So I did a quick 5,4,3,2,1 and decided to meditate and clear my mind.
I remembered all of the incredible things I have to be grateful for: I woke up today, my sweet little boy is safe and healthy, I have food in my kitchen to eat, I slept in my warm comfy bed in my wonderful house, my good health, the birds chirping outside my window, the beautiful mountains… and the list goes on. I am SO lucky! And maybe I’m not rolling in the monies, but I have so many things that are worth living for. And guess what… a few hours later I got an email from my agency about a surprise check 🙂
So as alone and misunderstood and out of control and lost and forgotten I’ve been feeling, I know that is all a facade. I really believe that everything happens for a reason and the Universe has a much better plan than I could ever design in store for me. And it’s my job to go with the flow… and I’ll end up somewhere better than I could have ever dreamed alone!
Anyways, back to my original point: I am releasing my need to be what other people expect of me. I am the same Phobewhether I’m sleeping on the street or in a mansion. Whatever material things surround me don’t define who I am. And whether I have all the monies or none of them, I am going to live and love the life I have. I’m letting go of all the responsibility I’ve been carrying around for other people and all the healing I’ve been trying to do for them. That’s their job!
I want to be around people who are committed to growth and taking responsibility for themselves. Who encourage me to change and grow and not live by the rules, but to create my own. People who live their dreams at any cost and push me into doing more than I ever thought I could. I want to be one of those people too… so I’m practicing humility and self awareness and taking responsibility for all of me.
- remember that you are not in control
- don’t have expectations for how things happen or turn out
- stay open and go with the flow
- enjoy the ride!
Patience is a virtue I’m trying really hard to learn in this life, it’s not my natural state. When there is something I want, I want it NOW. I’m so caught up in my excitement to experience the thing, that waiting for it seems like it will never come. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because I keep feeling like there’s a something I need to do. This urge keeps gnawing at me and I get anxious thinking that I’ll never figure out what that thing is or how to do it. One of my biggest fears is dying and then finding out I never did what I was supposed to do or was capable of doing. So I feel like I just need to start something! …but I don’t know exactly what lol. If I could just be told exactly what to do, I would totally do it! But it seems like instead of clear instructions I keep finding foggy clues. I also wonder if I’m scaring myself out of just starting something, ANYTHING because I know it won’t be perfect. This week, before my birthday, I’m tuning in to my dreams and guides to figure out what to focus on and DO for the next year. Honestly a lot of this has been releasing and shedding layers that I no longer need. It’s kind of like cleaning up your workspace before you can actually get to work. I’m trying to be ok with that, and realize that is progress too. Without a clear mind and intention I won’t be able to concentrate on what it is I’m trying to do. So this week I’m giving myself permission to not do… to release and rejuvenate and trust that all of this is in service to my greater purpose. I’m practicing waiting with grace. That way, when it’s time to get moving I’ll be free of unfinished business and whatever else has been holding me back.
My temporary filling fell out and the toilet clogged and flooded the entire bathroom. I’m not even going to ask how much worse it could get, because I literally cannot take anymore. Yay for today!