My life is continuing to fall apart. I know that sounds all dramatic and teenage angsty but it’s really true. Or at least seems true.
I finally got my tax return (yay), and then last night someone stole my phone AND I don’t have insurance so I had to go buy a new one. It wasn’t so much the no phone thing that bothered me, but I lost so many photos and poems and journals and EVERYTHING! I usually back up my phone regularly but it hadn’t been working so it’s been like more than 3 months.
And it’s not even the stuff I’m really sad about… it’s letting it go. Who am I without what I’ve created to leave behind and prove I was here. I exist.
Life has been doing this thing to me where it takes away everything I am attached to and the harder I try to hold on, the stronger it crushes me. Objectively I can totally understand why this needs to happen. It’s helped me realize how materialistic I am, as all the things I hold onto out of fear are being taken away. At first it was slow, but now it seems like every day at least a few small parts of my life are destroyed.
I know I should just give in, but I don’t know how! I don’t know how to let go and have full trust that I am supported and taken care of. I know that I’m making it harder by holding on, but I am terrified.
Being broken down past the limits of everything I thought made me ME is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. And I’ve been through a lot!
Trying to figure out what’s left after you strip away all the superficial layers is lonely. There’s only you in there… a you without labels, without a name, without all of those things I thought could tell me who I am. But something is there that can’t be destroyed. Something that continues to watch everything fall apart around me with peaceful knowing and a slight smile.
If this is spiritual awakening I don’t recommend it lol.