This week I’ve been trying to identify all those places where I substitute waiting for what I want with something not as good; just to fill the time until the thing I really want comes along. And man, there’s a lot of places like that in my life.
The deepest and infinitely wise parts of me are patient and willing to wait forever, accepting nothing less than what I deeply desire. But other parts are busy filling those uncomfortable places with people and things that sort of get the job done hoping this will distract me enough from the gnawing sensation of never being satisfied.
Maybe I’ve been lying to myself for a long time. Telling myself I’m so good at waiting, but never realizing that distractions are keeping me from ever truly fulfilling those empty places inside my heart.
Embracing the shadow side of me that’s impatient, reckless, and impulsively consuming whatever is in my path hoping to feed my hunger is a constant battle. If I don’t numb myself with alcohol, fake friends, doomed relationships, and shopping, the only thing that’s left is to face what I’m desperately trying to escape: loneliness.
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my time alone but it’s not having someone to call and share my day with (the good & bad), nobody to hold my hand walking through the rain, and waking up to face another day alone that reminds me of the dull ache inside my heart.
I know I should be focusing on enjoying my freedom and time alone, but I keep wondering if life really matters as much when there’s no one to share it with. Count me in as a hopeless romantic I guess lol.
But I’m scared to dive deeper into the darkness. Who knows what I’ll find down there…