power. 

I went to hang out with a guy I had a “thing” with a long time ago, and it was an incredible view into how I behave around and treat men in order to determine if I am interested in dating them further. 

He made two especially impactful and very true observations: 

1. I enjoy pushing people or the envelope just to see what happens, even when I’m not personally invested in opposing their point of view. I just like crossing acceptable boundaries of society or opinion and then seeing how people react. 

2. I am attracted to power (in regards to the men I pursue or am interested in). 
I know I do the boundary thing and even while I’m doing it I sometimes ask myself,  “Why I am trapping them with this question when I actually don’t even care about the response?” I simply enjoy watching them trying to get out of the trap. Then if they don’t, I’m disappointed and less interested. But if they do, I’m often offended and continue to set more traps that are harder to escape until they give up. 

I think I do this as a defense mechanism to prove to myself that they are willing to endure (who knows what) to be with me and they won’t just give up. But this is a childish and cruel way to figure out their commitment to me and our relationship. It stems from a feeling of inadequacy and fear of being alone. If I push them so hard and they still want to stay, theoretically that will hold true throughout our relationship. Fucked up, right?

The other thing about power I never totally realized. I know I like assertive men but have never been able to see that most of my attractions are simply to power that person holds in one way or another and not about them at all. And there are a lot of different kinds of power. 

A few years ago, there was a guy I thought that I was super attracted to and was devastated when he didn’t fall into my grand fantasy of us living happily ever after, but looking back I knew I didn’t like him thto whole time. I liked his image: style, body, car, success, lifestyle… none of those are actually him

While looking back on my dating history I can finally understand that the reason I am attracted to certain men and it doesn’t usually work out, is that I’m attracted to their image of power and not who they actually are. 

Yikes. 

2 Comments

  1. I feel like I have evolved into the same women that you are describing yourself as. I was very naive when I was younger and that resulted in me getting pushed around. I realized in order to find someone to try me right I needed to weed out the men who would treat me bad by becoming someone who sticks up for herself is a little more assertive in what I wanted.

    Like

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