fear

I don’t know how to start this post… because I REALLY don’t want to make it, but I think I have to…

In 2015 I moved into a really nice “luxury” apartment in Sugarhouse. I was so excited to be living there and fought so hard to make it happen. But the truth was, I couldn’t afford it. 

Every month I would cry and wonder how I was going to make rent. Something usually worked out, but honestly I don’t even know how. When my lease ended last Fall, I decided to move out to California. 

That was a total bust. Not only did they penalize me for not giving 30 days notice, even though my lease was up, California was a complete disaster. My relationship with my family fell apart and so I came back to SLC in December to try and rebuild my life. 

My son’s dad said he could stay with him for a few months while I got settled, so I rented a room and started working at a flower shop and getting back into modeling. 

It went well for a few weeks until the drama started, so I asked my friend if I my son and I could stay with him until I found a permanent place, and that was in February! 

I’ve been looking at old places, new places, EVERY place and still haven’t found anything. I went to check out an apartment last week and there were 15 other people waiting to check it out. One girl said she could pay 6 months up front. An hour later, I got an email saying it had been rented. 

I don’t know how I’m supposed to compete in a rental market like this. I don’t have 6 months rent up front lol. 

The most frustrating thing is not having a place of my own to go home to. I feel like I haven’t been able to completely relax since I moved out of my apartment in October. It’s always awkward being in someone else’s space and feeling totally in the way all the time. Like everything you do is taking up too much room. 

I’ve prayed/begged/pleaded that this could be over but it’s still not. I’ve been trying to find the lesson and even though I thought I had (several times) I still haven’t found a place. I’m not even fighting for a place anymore. Maybe out of surrender or pure exhaustion I’ve decided that when the time is right, the place will come to me. 

But until then how do I make it through another day of facing this fear? How do I stay calm and not succumb to the panic I feel constantly rising in the back of my mind? 

Yesterday, I was feeling especially down about the situation, and decided to read some books to see if they had any insight. I opened the book at random to a chapter about trusting life even though it is beyond our control and having the courage to follow your personal path which is terrifying but the only way to unlocking your genius. Scary stuff! 

The root of all my fear is unworthiness. For so long I believed I wasn’t worthy of anything: love, a career I was passionate about, a beautiful home, loving family…

It’s always this same fear showing up in different costumes and here it is, whispering I somehow don’t deserve to get my own place again. That it will never happen and I’ll be stuck here forever, or at least until my friend gets tired of me. 

The book says that this is “…the path through fear. Whatever your deepest fear is, you will meet it and you will transcend it.”I’ve been fighting the fear of unworthiness all of my life, I know how to do that. 

But knowing that I’ll overcome it is the scariest part, because what comes next? 

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