and sad, and scary, and beautiful… and I’m happy that I’m here to experience it all!
I’m so grateful for the person that life is shaping me into. I’ve come so far and I’m excited about what the future holds.
Lately I’ve been realizing that one of the hidden blessings of falling so deep into depression is the ability to rise so high into the pure joy of living. I’ve started to think of my ability to deeply feel things as a blessing, not a curse.
Without the capability to fall so deep into the darkness of pain, I would never be capable of soaring to the heights of ecstasy. They’re kind of the same thing. Each reminds me how alive & connected I am to the world around me. How full of magic each moment is.
I find myself crying at the silliest things now, like how the light filters just right through the wildflowers or the beautiful squishy babies I see at Whole Foods. By now everyone at Whole Foods probably knows me as the lady who is always crying in the coffee shop. But lately it’s mostly been tears of joy!
The main reason, I think, for this newfound sense of delight with the world is the heavy realization that one day I will have to leave it all behind. At some moment in the future I won’t be able to watch funny cat videos and cuddle my sweet boy, I won’t be able to watch the rain and put on my favorite comfy socks, I won’t be able to watch the sunset change into so many different colors I never would’ve thought to paint the sky…
These moments make living through all of the pain, heartache, frustration, and disappointment worth it.
Every morning when I open my eyes my first thoughts are those of gratitude. Gratitude to have one more magical day to be Phoebe. Somehow I got the role of a lifetime! The more I learn about who Phoebe is, the deeper I fall in love with her. She is my dream girl.
Last week I had a dream that perfectly embodied who Phoebe is in the purest form. I was invited to a wedding and I brought a bunch of cute dresses, mostly red, to wear for the reception. The lady in charge of styling everyone said that none of those would work and had me try on some really ugly, weird, boring dress and matching purse. I was like nah girl. So I put on my favorite rainbow colored dress and matching boots and went outside to climb all the trees. My dress and boots were magic and the colors were pulsing through them and changing into different beautiful combinations. As I climbed the trees in my favorite outfit I was laughing and playing and felt the most alive and free I ever have. That’s who Phoebe is.
In real life, everyday, I’m practice bringing more of my authentic Self into this reality. I spend less time doing things I feel obligated to do, and more time doing the things I love. I’m confident that one day that Phoebe from my dream will be 100% here, wearing her favorite crazy outfits and radiating love.
Artwork by the uhhmazing Rahm Bowen. Check him out on tumblr and instagram ✨