surrender 2.0 

Sometimes it’s hard to believe that everything is going to work out for the best. 

I tell myself that it will,  over and over again. Something deep inside of me knows that those words some day will ultimately be true, but there is another, more immediate part, closer to the surface that is willing to fight every single one of those words. 

That part closer to the surface is extremely uncomfortable. It just wants to feel secure again. But… I think that was an all illusion anyways. Something you never feel in the moment, but look back on the past convincing yourself it was there. 

So how do I get comfortable with uncomfortability? How do I stop scratching that itch and relax into my biggest fear: the unknown. How do I trust that, whether I make it out alive or not, all of this is to help me grow bolder/stronger/wiser? 

I’ve gotten so tired of surrendering. I want to fight. I want to use force and anger and might to get my way… but that’s gotten me nowhere. I’m not good at all at this whole surrender thing. 

I’m not even sure if I have surrendered… I don’t know how. How do you know you’ve looked your fears in the face? How are you sure that there’s not more attachment? 

I guess until I figure this out I can’t move on. Which seems even more hopeless. I just want to start fresh & new & get moving!! 

Mostly I wish there was someone I could trust to confide in. Fighting all of your battles on your own is a lonely & weary process. 

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