unexpected

Yesterday was one of the best days in 2017 for sure. It felt like I finally broke through some intense, heavy energy and was able to go upwards again. A lot of things suddenly made sense and I felt so free!

But the weird thing is that along with all of that lightness has come anger. And not just a little anger. I’m seething, and it’s all directed at my mom. I haven’t been this angry in a while and I can’t seem to stop myself from telling her how I feel.

wtf.

Our relationship has never been perfect, but I thought I had been working towards accepting her as she is… now I can’t stand her.

So of course I start analyzing everything. What am I projecting onto her that I’m unwilling to see in myself? Being angry means I’m hurt, so what wound is being activated? Why is all of this coming up right now? Could this be something impersonal that I’m acting out on her that has more to do with an archetype I’m using her as a substitution for? And on and on and on.

I’ve been wanting to take a break from her and our “relationship” for a while, but with everything that’s happening in life I turned to her for help. Which, god knows why because that always ends poorly for me. So maybe I’m unconsciously trying to force the break by acting out and pushing her away because I’m too scared to do it on my own and not hold onto whatever scrap of support I thought I could get from her?

I have no idea! I am just starting to even realize that all of this is happening so I guess I’ll see where it leads?

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