abandon me

“You can’t rush your healing, Darkness has its teachings.” – Trevor Hall

I thought that this year I wouldn’t put energy into pursuing men or relationships that I knew weren’t worth it. I thought that I finally had enough love inside of me, that I wouldn’t try to look for it outside anymore. But I’ve been feeling really out of touch lately, disconnected and stuck in this weird grey area… am I depressed? Am I lonely? Am I sick?

I don’t know what it is, but I have been all in my feels and super sensitive. So the other day when I was walking back to my car during Sundance and a nice man with a lovely smile stopped me and said he would love to get my number and see me later, it felt like the perfect solution to my feeling of invisibility… like the world had forgotten me, maybe I even forget myself too, but he reminded me that I was there and he could see me.

So we tried to make plans for a few days, but our schedules never quite matched and I found myself trying to rearrange things only to see him (which I should’ve noticed right away as a red flag), but I told myself it was ok to be accommodating because he was so nice, and from out of town, and who knew when I would see him again.

Anyways, I got off work early one night and we were finally going to hang out. Before I left to meet him I was having such a good time; feeling like myself, telling jokes, and connecting again to who I am and enjoying that. Once I saw him though, that immediately changed. All those old beliefs of not being good enough, having to change myself to make someone comfortable, feeling small and unseen… all of that came back full force and I retreated once again inside myself.

It wasn’t that he was rude to me or anything, but I just didn’t feel included. He didn’t ask about me or seem that interested in getting to know me further. I should’ve left, but I stayed. I don’t even know why. And then I ended up going home with him and made the mistake I always did before. Sleeping with someone for validation and to hopefully find some spark of connection to remind you that you’re alive and matter… but OF COURSE that never works. So I ended up feeling more empty and alone than I had all week.

I haven’t done that in a while, and really thought that I was past looking for validation and love in all the wrong places.. but old habits die hard. I guess it’s the classic abandonment issues thing: dad leaves and so you search for validation from men who you know can AND never will love you, then sleep with them because somewhere you learned that is how you make a man love you, they leave anyway and then you’re wondering why all the men you love ever leave you, so you tell yourself that of course it’s your fault nobody ever stays, you are unloveable (always have been & always will be), and then your unworthiness is confirmed and the cycle starts over again, each time making you feel a little more desperate/broken/alone.

It takes a lot of conscious effort to not fall back into old patterns of behavior, and I think between stress and lack of sleep lately my subconscious has been ruling me more than I realized. I haven’t been showing up for life and making decisions based upon the new agreements I have made with myself. I slipped back into autopilot. Depression will do that to ya! Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) my Darkness is back to remind me of the lessons I’m still learning and how vigilant I have to be in order to continue growing and living my best life.

Some wounds may never heal completely, they are too deep and ancient, but I will practice approaching love from a place of compassion and self confidence until that becomes my go to. I’m in it to win it in the fight for love!

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