touching the dark

For the past few weeks I’ve been feeling more and more like each nerve ending is being slowly sizzled on a George Foreman grill. Every little stress is pushing me closer and closer to the edge of losing it. I just want to scream and cry and break free from whatever the fuck is haunting me. I feel stuck inside my mind and I can’t escape!!

I’m so tired of being stressed out about money. And I’m even more tired of people blaming my work ethic, lack of sacrifice, or whatever else they think is the problem… which none of them are. I work so hard and sacrifice so much and my bank account is still overdrawn and I’m wondering how I’m going to feed us and pay the bills this month. This is something people who have never been in the struggle don’t understand. “Why don’t you just ask your family for help?” Because they can’t and WON’T help. Don’t you think I’ve thought of that before?

The number one thing being in the struggle teaches you is creative problem solving. When you are sleeping in your car, you figure out that if you get a gym membership you can shower every morning and that libraries are the best (free) place that lets you hang out all day . You learn that bananas are one of the cheapest (and still healthy) things you can buy, especially when you don’t have anywhere to cook. You learn the best neighborhoods to park your car in so people aren’t suspicious, but you’re also safe sleeping there overnight. And most of all you learn who really loves and cares about you. It’s so easy to tell someone that you love them, but when their life is falling apart and they turn to you for help, how you respond is the biggest indicator of how much you really care.

So here I am again.. looking last minute for a place to move. I’m so tired of moving. I’m so tired of being stressed about where I’m going to sleep at night. I just want, more than anything, a stable sanctuary that I know I can always come home to. It’s so hard for me to relax and process everything that’s going on in life, when I don’t have a safe place to do that. Have you ever seen that drawing where the girl takes off her human suit and leaves it on the chair while she soaks in the bath? That’s exactly what I need to do. But with the upheaval and utter destruction happening in my life for the past year, I haven’t found a safe place to do that. I think that’s why it feels like I’m raw and every tiny thing feels like torture.

I don’t know what to do next. I feel desperate. Like if I could just know what to do, I would do it! But I don’t know what it is!! Everything that could go wrong seems to be doing that. I’m once again thrown into feelings of helplessness and being out of control. I know the only thing I can do is go with the flow and stay open and ready for a sign of what to do and where to go… but I just want to have a plan! I hate feeling like I’m stuck in a washing machine. Spinning around and around with no escape.

 

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