the day of Love

Can you really have it all in love? Someone who is your best friend, committed to building a great relationship, and gives it you to you just how you want it? I’m not sure… Well, I really want to believe it’s true, but that seems impossible to find! I usually find one or two of those things, but not all three in one. It’s like I keep finding every triangular love pattern, but the one I really want: consummate love.

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Is it settling to be in a relationship without all the sides? Companionate love has been looking realllll nice lately. Why have all the drama and heartache that comes with passion when you can go straight to being best friends forever? Who needs sex anyways?

Ok ok, finding commitment, intimacy, and passion in one guy is the dream! But it already happened once… so could I really find it again? Or was that my only chance? Also, am I even ready to really open myself up like that again? The more I think about it, the more I realize I keep finding unavailable men because I’m scared to open up like that again. Heartbreak is so hard to get over. It took me 5 years! And I don’t think it will ever stop hurting or fully heal. Every time I hear Bruno Mars I’m crying like an idiot in Whole Foods again.

So how can I open up and love someone and be vulnerable when I’m still so hurt from the last time? I know it’s stupid, but a part of me keeps hoping that one day he’ll come back. I don’t want to be in that relationship again though. But could I really find something better? Does that exist? How could someone make me feel more safe and understood and talented and loved and special and beautiful and wanted than he did? I mean, we moved to Italy! The bar is set pretty freaking high.

Wasting time on Instagram the other day I came across some really insightful questions by Devany Amber Wolfe (@serpentfire) about love. She was essentially saying that if you’re wondering or asking for advice on whether they are the one or not.. they probably aren’t. But anyways, here are the awesome questions she suggested if you aren’t feeling sure.

  • Do you share values?
  • Do you communicate effectively?
  • Do you feel emotionally safe with them when things get heated?
  • Do you trust them?
  • Are you truly yourself with them?
  • Are they kind?

After reading those I’m like oh my gosh.. will I ever even be ready to do all of those things with someone? I’ve gotten comfortable again the past little while with being alone. I love sleeping diagonally in my bed and having the freedom to make decisions only based on what I want… like maybe spontaneously moving to another country. But are those things worth more than what a healthy relationship gives you? The truth is.. I don’t know! For me, right now, they are. But I’m sure if the man of my dreams came along and swept me off my feet my answers would be totally different.

For now I’m going to keep enjoying my own company, and if Cupid does end up finding me, I’ll take the plunge into that terrifying and amazing experience again. No matter how much it hurt, I would definitely do it over as many chances as I get. Love is my favorite drug.

3 thoughts on “the day of Love

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