disappearing act

I was just thinking about something… I’m really bad at endings. I can usually sense when something is over, or coming to an end, and know it’s time to move on. I’m the worst at communicating that though. Most of the time I just disappear. I hate having those conversations about why I’m leaving or whatever the thing is that isn’t working out for me anymore. So, instead of being honest about my feelings, I leave and never look back. It comes back to bite me in the ass though.

I don’t know where or how I learned that stealing away like a thief in the night is less painful for both parties than telling them why you have to go. I think part of it is that I hate having to explain why. Because there’s never a good answer. I just know it’s time to go. And they’re never satisfied with that.

Maybe I’m a lot like my Dad in that sense. At my last count he has almost 20 children… and he’s left most of them behind. I don’t know if he told my mom he was leaving or why, but I do know it was when she was only a few months pregnant. I think she said the only thing he ever bought her was a box of tea.

It’s extremely hard not to take someone leaving personally. Of course it had to be something you did (or didn’t do), or maybe said. But the truth is, someone leaving can never be about you. It’s always, entirely, about them. That’s crazy to think about because of all the people and situations I left and then realizing that people leaving me is the same thing. It’s never been about me, always them. And the crazy stories or theories I came up with to cope could never match the probably very simple reasons they left.

Maybe my Dad just didn’t want the responsibility of another child. I mean obviously it couldn’t be personal… I wasn’t even born yet! But it still feels like a very personal betrayal and rejection. Maybe I’ve left so many people so that I wouldn’t be the one getting left behind. Kind of like a preemptive strike thing. Or maybe I had to leave so many people and situations to realize that leaving isn’t a personal thing and to learn to stop taking it so seriously.

Anyways, it’s a pattern I’ve been noticing. One that I’m trying to unravel and transcend. How can I muster up the courage to talk through my reasons without feeling obligated to stay? I don’t know, I guess I have to try it first and see.

Nothing is personal. Everything is just a story we tell ourselves in order to cope with what we perceive as rejection. But how can we be cut off and rejected when we’re all so deeply intertwined?

I went to my special spot on my birthday feeling lonely and let down, so I thought I would go up there for my very own pity party. My expectations weren’t lining up with reality and I was feeling very woe is me. But when I stopped to listen, all I heard around me were reminders that I wasn’t alone. The river gurgling by, the birds singing, the wind in the trees. Everything was alive and living and breathing just like I was.

No matter how hard I may try to cut myself off… the Universe and all of it’s love and support is there to hold me. The greatest lie we’ve come to believe is that we are separate. But we’re all connected. So all of our fears of rejection are pointless.

What we can do better is to allow ourselves the freedom to follow our path. There is a path each one of us must walk alone, and where it leads only we know. It’s our special mission to figure out what we came here to do.

There are cycles of beginnings and endings that we must honor. Trying to force anything will never end up well. So maybe my disappearing act isn’t a failure, but an opening to the possibility of accepting the cycles of change with grace. I love that within every shadow there is light. Within every trial is the seed of success. Life is like a spiral upwards… it’s always the same you’re just being tested on a harder and higher level of understanding. Maybe that’s what Karr meant he said, “plus ça change, plus c’est la meme chose (the more it changes, the more it is the same).”

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