i’m a mess

With so many things not going the way I envisioned lately, the easiest and least painful way to deal, has been escape. And I didn’t even realize that I was majorly avoiding my feelings or the reality I’m living in. I thought I was just rising above it, and not letting it get me down.

Not allowing myself to fully feel into everything that’s been happening, it’s no wonder I’m starting to crack. I’ve been emotionally disassociating… and that’s never a good thing. Because now that reality has hit, it hurts a million times worse.

These breakdowns are the times when I start to wonder if I’m crazy – again.

There has been too much going on in my life lately from relationship issues to childhood wounds to recent emotional wounds that I thought were healed – all being ripped open again. It’s just been too much to process, so I pretended that I was fine. That I didn’t need to feel all of those things. That I could just intellectualize them and I would be fine.

But I’m not.

Stupid periods dragging up all your hidden traumas and shoving them in your face when you’re the most vulnerable. And I know this isn’t what people want to hear, but it’s the truth.

Life is fucking hard sometimes. (Especially when you avoid your feelings, and then your period starts during the last week of mercury retrograde.)

Sometimes your relationships with people you thought were friends go up in flames, leaving you wondering how you didn’t see that in them before. Where were those red flag you missed? How could people you trusted with so much turn so easily on a dime and become just like everyone they pretended not to be?

Other times your most painful childhood wounds rear their ugly head and turn you into that helpless little girl who had no help in dealing with her hurt feelings, so she stuffed them deep inside. So you find yourself fighting those “daddy issues” over and over again, wondering not if, but when, this man will abandon and crush you with the withdrawal of his love.

There are also times when you jump off the cliff to follow your dreams and you look around in dismay as things seems to be going nowhere. You put your whole heart and soul out into the world and nobody seems to notice at all. People hating it would at least be a reaction, but you don’t even get that recognition. You wonder why you feel so called to do work and create art that nobody ever seems to care about.

And then there are times when you pray and pray for love, and then it’s comes, and you full on freak out, because you totally forgot that loving means vulnerability. And you’re so busy pretending to not be vulnerable that it completely catches you off guard. You totally embarrass yourself and cry and look like a complete fool all in less than a 12 hour period. Guess there won’t be a second date after all lol.

But the best times are when all of these things happen at once! jk. Well, I guess it’s kind of nice to finally stop holding everything in and feel the full force of pain I’ve been so carefully avoiding. Here come the random crying fits in Whole Foods and all day accidental naps.

Sleep is my number favorite escape, because in my dreams I don’t feel alone and like the only person experiencing these deep, unexplainable emotions. In my dreams I’m not crazy or overdramatic or too emotional… I’m just me, and whatever that looks like, is always ok.

One of my biggest struggles is suffering alone in silence. I never feel like I can reach out or ask for help, I hate being an emotional burden to someone else. That’s a lot to ask! But then I get in too deep and by that time I’m drowning so far down in the darkness that I can’t remember how I got there.

So these are the times I usually revert to my tried and true coping mechanisms… besides sleeping I start drinking too much, listening to sad songs and watching sad movies, withdrawing from everything in my outer life, and when it gets too bad I just stop doing everything. It all sounds really selfish, but it’s the only way I know how to cope.

Today I was determined to not lose this battle again, so I randomly started looking for a good, inspirational article to jerk me out of this emotional mess. And what do you know! The universe knew just what I needed to hear.

The best was this article about Pisces from Nylon. It reminded me that it’s ok I feel all of these things. That’s just how I am. It’s not good or bad. That little bit of recognition went a long way in helping me to accept everything I’m feeling right now.

Some other things I really enjoyed were the video I posted earlier by The School of Life talking about the benefits of breakdowns. And this article about opening up and loving bravely by Thought Catalog.

I wouldn’t say I’m back to 100% yet, but I definitely feel about better then I did after taking a two hour depression nap this morning 🙂

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