tired of waiting

I guess I’ve been feeling a little bit rebellious lately. A little bit destruction. And very impatient. Usually, I try to tell myself how these aren’t ‘positive’ or ‘spiritual’ things to feel and so I try to avoid or change them. But more and more lately, I’ve been feeling really connected to them, and decided that that’s how I feel! I don’t want to feel light and happy all the time. Theres something I enjoy about the deep, nebulous quality these feelings arose in me.

As I decided to connect more and more with these feelings, I realized that for a long time (like my whole life) I haven’t been totally honest with myself about what I want. I thought that what I wanted wasn’t ok, so I would try to convince myself to walk the higher road or some other bullshit. But that’s just not true for me all the time.

I really started to identify with these dark feelings while reading a book called The Origins and History of Consciousness by Erich Neumann which talks a lot about the primordial mother and how before she became separated into the Good Mother and Evil Mother, she was all in one. She was destruction and creation. And I realized that for many years I’ve been striving so hard to live only in the light, and I’ve completely neglected the dark. In my teenage years I was mostly living in the dark, so now it’s about finding balance.

Allowing myself to be connected more and more with the dark side, I’m able to be honest about what I want. And not just what I think I should want. Those are two very different things.  For so long I’ve tried to convince myself that what I wanted wasn’t acceptable and to strive for something beyond this material plane. But, guess what, I’m living on a material plane and I want material things. I was talking to a friend the other day and he was saying how he is working to destroy the idea that being poor means being humble. I didn’t realize how many of my old behaviors were tied up in this belief system.

Growing up poor I always wanted more material things, but then my family and religion at the time would always teach that material things weren’t worth striving for and not a spiritual way to live. It was a sin. But as I’ve gotten older I can see how much material wealth the particular religion controls and they simply aren’t living what they teach. It started to dawn on me that people in power teach that so they don’t have competition for material resources. And I really believe that this world has more than enough for everyone, but when a tiny percent control the vast majority of resources it is a competition instead of being a natural distribution. There is more than enough for everyone to enjoy the material wealth of our beautiful planet.

So I’ve been slowly admitting to myself that one thing I really want is material wealth. I want to live in a beautiful house (white with a courtyard, white kitchen, floor to ceiling windows, studio space, and all my favorite plants), I also want to not worry how I’m going to pay my bills every month, I want a comfortable lifestyle. I want to travel. I want to buy cute clothes that reflect who I am. I want to drive a white tesla. There are a lot of material things that I want. And even though it goes against everything I was brought up to believe, I want to pursue and acquire these material things. What if everything I was programmed to believe wasn’t even true and I was wasting my life trying to live like some saint when there really aren’t any rules. It’s all a game! And I want to have fun playing it.

So I’m done with the idea that I can’t be filthy fucking rich and enjoy material possessions and also grow spiritually. Money is just another energy and having more or less doesn’t make you more or less spiritual. I’m done believing all the spiritual teachers and gurus that say money is tied to your self worth. I highly value myself and that has never translated into dollars and cents. And this isn’t to say that I don’t think there aren’t other very valuable things that money can’t buy… you can be rich in love and so many other ways. But for now, I am finally admitting that I want material things just as much as I do spiritual. And that’s a hard thing to say out loud.

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