How often do you feel completely and totally alone? For me, it comes in waves, but mostly all the time I feel lonely. And loneliness is weird, because for me, it’s an intense craving to share the beauty of life with someone I care about deeply who feels the same way for me. Someone who feels like home in this strange world. The thing is; I just don’t feel completely at home here, I’m always homesick for a place I vaguely remember that was full of endless love and comfort. Maybe that was just my mom’s uterus lol.
But loneliness is a hard thing to live with. And I hate all those people that say it’s because you don’t love yourself enough. I love myself so much! The problem is I have too much love. I’m overflowing with love and need somewhere else to put all of it. My heart simply can’t contain it.
Something I’ve been understanding about myself better and better lately is just how deep I can love. My heart goes down to infinity, and inside of it I find every single facet of life. That’s why I’m always crying, because I’m in love with everything. But this world is transient and the things I love leave or die. That’s never something I get better at. Every loss feels just as fresh right now as when it first broke my heart. I have been learning to appreciate the beauty of death, and endings as new beginnings though… so much new can grow from the old. If we let it.
The hardest part about having all of this love, is that most people don’t understand. They think I’m crazy when I’m like, “Hey. I know we just met, but I love you.” Especially the guys I date. But it seems like with romance they all want a brief taste, until they realize that it’s just too much and too real. They can’t match my consistency and longevity. That always hurts. But I also think men really need to grow up and be real men, not little boys who are scared to share their heart or their life because they are so focused on themselves. Why live a life and not share it with as many people as you can, loving them all so deeply that there isn’t anything left? It seems like a real waste to me.
The first man that taught me that he couldn’t love me and I wasn’t good enough was my father. He left before I was even born and didn’t seem to care at all about the deep scars that left me. When I was little, all I wanted was a dad. Dads were so cool and so fun! But mine didn’t want me. So when I started dating, I unconsciously chose men that I knew would always leave and weren’t emotionally available. I thought that was what love was: a man that wanted to have sex with you and then throw you away when he found someone else, but only after teasing you with tastes of true intimacy. Those would always be downplayed until you were convinced that you had imagined how that one time he was so sweet to you and treated you so well.
I’ve been doing that for a long time. Giving my love to men who can’t handle it and probably don’t deserve it. And I would like to say that I’ve stopped, I keep thinking I have, that this guy is different… but he never is. I never realize until after my heart has been broken that he was just like all of the others. But I can’t stop loving. That’s what I was made to do. A fish couldn’t stop swimming even if you told it to, it would die. And I would die without loving.
So my question lately has been: Is love ever going to be real for me? Does a man even exist who could return my love and stick around for a while? A man who wants to build a life with me? Maybe that’s just not my path.. no matter how much I want to be married and live a simple, ordinarily beautiful life. Maybe I didn’t come here to do that. I’m having a really hard time accepting that though. But it also feels like it’s totally happening to me. Like I said before, I’ve never been lucky in love. Maybe I should just get a dog or something…
Being sensitive is a full time job. Crying at every sad song on the radio. Crying because you saw a tiny puppy doing it’s wiggly walk across the street. Crying because you feel like a freak because you’re always crying. One day, I want to be able to say that I’ve finally learned how to use my sensitivity as a strength. Believe me, it takes a lot of strength to keep my heart open and let every thing touch me, instead of shutting down and closing everything out. There is so much suffering in the world. And I am acutely aware of all of it.
I guess that’s my challenge: living each day with an open heart, knowing that it will continue to get broken, but still loving anyways.