back at it

This past week was r o u g h. You know those weeks when everything goes wrong? When it feels like you took 20 steps backward and you’re stuck all the way at the bottom again? That was how I was feeling. I hated everything. I was angry. I was afraid. I wanted to hurt everyone, because I was hurting so bad.

Instead of telling myself to snap out of it, I just sat in all the shit. It was messy and uncomfortable and made me crazy… but then I woke up today and it was gone.

What I’ve been realizing lately is that even if I want to give up, I can’t. Even when I feel like I just can’t do it one more day… somehow the day goes by and I’m still here.

The thing I liked the best about not trying to be “positive” or feel better or change my mood, was that I totally experienced all of it. The dirty depths. And now I’m ready to move on. Too many times, I try to fix everything too quickly, and I think that’s how I end up in the same mess again. I never actually let myself do the work and go through what I need to. I’m trying too hard to find peace and comfort again.

I think we all do that.

Being uncomfortable sucks. But unfortunately, that’s how we grow. And once we choose that path, there is no going back. No matter how much we kick and scream and protest. We can’t unchoose.

So today, I’m choosing again. And my choice is to find peace in what is. To stop blaming myself and condemning myself as a failure. To see my bloss as a work in progress. To remember the power and complexity inside of me. To allow myself to be human.

I hope you can give yourself that blessing too

photo by Russell Alboroto for Loom

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