keep on keeping on

June has been pretty much the worst. A situation returned that I never thought I could survive again, and I’ve been crumbling under the stress and self doubt brought on by this major disaster. I was doing a horrible job at coping. I stopped smiling at people. I was mean to my mom. I started binge watching shows, just to avoid reality, because I felt like I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t handle this, not again.

I was drowning in my depression and shame and self doubt. I was too embarrassed to really tell anyone what was going on, or ask for help. I felt completely hopeless and wished a mountain lion would eat me or just not wake up the next morning. I know that sounds like a lot, but it seemed like literally the only way out. I was so stuck. A few days I woke up feeling like my normal self, but most mornings as soon as I opened my eyes all the pain and suffering came rushing back in, and I didn’t have the strength to stop it.

After feeling bad for myself, and trying to blame anyone else I could think of, I was running out of options. I tried to listen to my dreams, hike, meditate, get a massage.. all the things that normally help me find some balance again. Nothing seemed to work at all. It totally sucked that I was in that much pain, but felt like I had no one to confide in. Nobody that had my back.

The universe was always there though. Sending me birds, kind strangers, and a million other signs that I was too angry and dismissive to see, or let myself believe in. They felt like a cruel joke. Telling me to keep going when they knew there was nothing but more suffering ahead. Everywhere I turned and prayed and pleaded for a sign, I would see something saying to keep going, that things were getting better, but it didn’t feel like that at all.

Monday I went to the park and had a picnic with myself. I decided to just sit down and listen to whatever came. I brought a book I’m reading (Deepak Chopra’s The Path to Love) and my new journal. I started reading and came to a chapter about letting go.

Have you ever had one of those moments where it’s like you’re reading something written by someone else, but you swear it was written only for you? Like how could they see so deep into your soul? That’s what happened. Every word pierced through the heaviness surrounding me and little bits of light started streaming in.

Sitting on the grass I was suddenly surrounded by so much beauty that I hadn’t noticed was there. The tall trees, birds singing their funny song, butterflies darting around me. I finally dropped my guard enough to let the world in, and waves of peace washed over me.

I probably looked a little silly crying all alone on my blanket in the park at 2pm, but I didn’t care anymore. I wasn’t aware of how much weight I had been carrying, until it began lifting off my shoulders and out of my heart.

And then the voice I had been seeking, but unable to hear in so long, started talking to me again. She reminded me of my strength, and that just like I did before, I could get through this again. She whispered of love and hope and change coming my way. She hadn’t forgotten me.

I realized that whatever the difficult situation is that you are going through, that isn’t the important part. Yes, it’s important to address it and do your best to create a reality you are more comfortable with, but each of these challenges comes to teach us something. To help us grow. The most important thing is how you handle it. Are you closed off and resisting? Or are you able to stay open and soft?

Believe me, I know that sometimes you need to close and be angry, your survival can depend on it. But, when you are ready, something beautiful and amazing is there and ready to help carry you into the future. No matter how alone you feel, it is always there, loving and guiding you. Simply relax into the moment and open your heart, my love.

Your power is held in surrender. When you are rigid you limit your choices and constrict yourself. Enmeshing yourself further and deeper into that which you are trying to escape. By letting go into the flow, your trust opens the magical doorways that were created for you to flow through.

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