never settle

After a day of adventure we were hangry. I had been trying to avoid going there at all costs, I hoped maybe he wouldn’t be working… but he was. Yikes.

I was nervous and kinda weird, but he was way nice to me and my family. My mom was all excited because she told me she had a ‘feeling’ about him when I first told her I met him. Her actually liking the guy I like is a miracle.

I was sad after we left because things between us hadn’t worked out how I wanted, and somewhere inside I still hoped we could end up together. I wanted my mom to be right (I think this is like the only time that happened lol).

Seeing him just made the whole situation seem more lonely to me. I could never tell him all the things I wanted to, there was too much! That’s the worst kind of regret.

But then I realized – fuck that! I’m done wanting people who don’t want me. I’m done with men who think they want me, but are only interested in my looks and don’t stop to ask how I feel about anything. And men who want to be 1/2 in 1/2 out. Just because we want the same prefab house… that isn’t love.

I’m fucking dope, and until I find the man who sees that, and who I think is equally dope, I’m cool with staying single.

No more unrequited love. No more doing girlfriend things for guys who can’t commit to having a girlfriend. I know what I’m worth and they aren’t willing to pay the price: commitment, communication, and holding each other down 100%.

I’m the queen of giving people so many chances and convincing myself that I can see how good they are under all the mess, if only they could see it too! But, the thing is… no matter how true that might be, if they aren’t willing to live that, then it doesn’t matter. Love is about action that is happening right now. Not some possibility in the future of them finally deciding to be who you want them to. And that’s not fair anyway, asking someone to be something just for you.

How did it take me a lifetime to learn this? And I’m sure I’ll forget and have to learn it over again. The lesson repeats as needed, right? lol

photo by Heather Nan for Soil and Stem

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