It’s time again. To step across the threshold into the unknown. I keep thinking that it’s the end, there’s nothing left to change. But then it’s time to evolve and enter a new reality again. Life is funny that way. You never stay comfortable for too long – if at all.
Before I thought that all of these crises meant I was majorly fucking up. But… now I’m starting to think that they’re here to help me get where I’m going faster than I could on my own.
Every time I think I’ve been broken open to the very core, something comes along and forces me open a bit more. I’m constantly realizing that the depth I feel is endless. There is no bottom to reach.
That’s kind of terrifying, right? But also kind of exciting.
I’ve let go of as many expectations and plans and control as I could lately. It’s scary to just go along for the ride, but things are way better than before.
At least in some areas. I constantly find myself swinging from one extreme to the other. I haven’t figured out how to stay in the middle ground yet. How to balance work and play. Loving without getting attached. Fulfilling my need for security, but also my need to create and fully experience this life.
I’m hoping that this eclipse is the reset button that will put all the right pieces in the right place. Show me how to feed my soul. Show me how to take care of the physical things. Show me how to love and be loved. Show me to create without fear. There are so many things I’ve been working towards, but I need a little extra hint on where to go next.
Not that signs haven’t been showing up. I saw three double rainbows in the past three weeks. Repeating numbers are everywhere. But part of me is still skeptical and thinks I might just finally be losing it lol.
It’s like having a word on the top of your tongue. I can see all of my dreams coming true and living that beautiful life, but I just can’t quite figure out how to grab them yet.
I keep reminding myself that what’s meant for me will find me, no matter what. Life is happening for me, not to me. And to just breathe and be in the moment. But patience is not my default setting. It’s something I’m constantly practicing.
I should give myself more credit. I’ve seen so much shift in the past few months. I’m learning a lot and I barely recognize my world now. But I’m always striving for more.
Did you see that crazy sunset the other night with the lightning storm? I could feel the electricity surging through the air. Through every cell in my body. We are all capable of tapping into that primordial power any time. Why is it so scary to live our dreams? To be who we know we’ve always been. What are we afraid of losing?
Going through my Saturn return is definitely teaching me the graceful art of letting things go when it’s time. The tighter you hold on, the more rope burns you get. What’s going is leaving to make room for more of what we are each calling in. Maybe not what we think we want, but definitely what we need on our deepest soul level.
I’m going to take my own advice and open myself even more to the changes sweeping through me. I will grieve what leaves. But know that something better than I could dream on my own is making it’s way towards me.
It’s all about trust.
photo Tess Comrie
wardrobe My Little Belleville
makeup Ash Ho