My existential crisis is continuing.
I’ve been starting to think that it’s more than just that. I’ve googled. Read books. Talked to friends. And meditated. It just seems like I can never find a satisfactory answer. My saturn return is coming up… it will be exact this December. So there’s that too. Physically, I’ve been feeling way weird too.
Two times during this summer I got intensely sick for a few days. I never get sick.
Besides feeling sick, and majorly depressed, there have been other symptoms. My neck was really sore for a few days. My skin feels itchy no matter how much I moisturize and the skin just looks regular, like no redness or anything. I haven’t been hungry at all. My body has no energy. Sometimes I’m not even sure if I’m in there anymore. I can’t really explain it.
Also emotional things have gotten way more intense. Sometimes I really do wonder if I’m losing it. I feel like I’m dying in like a psychological way. Like literally feel like I am in the throws of death, but I’m just sitting on a bench outside lol. It’s crazy.
On one level everything I thought I knew is totally gone and I am lost in complete chaos. But a deeper, knowing, part of me is at peace and fulfilled. I had this experience a few years ago… the love of my life broke up with me. It was over Skype, and right after he said the words I just felt a rush of calm. Like time stopped and I was engulfed in the most peaceful feeling I had ever experienced. But then, it was like that reality broke and all of the pain and anger and hurt came rushing in. I still haven’t found that peace or closure again.
So I’m living in simultaneous realities. Parts of me are up in flames and breaking apart, but other parts of me are so happy. I guess that’s what the path to wholeness looks like. It’s extremely messy. I have a lot to process and let go, and I also think it will be a never-ending process. You don’t just suddenly become whole one day, but in the beginning it’s the hardest because there is just so much to purge.
I can see the woman I am striving to become and she is BEAUTIFUL. She owns her power and is full of love. She is the creator. All of those things are in me now, or I wouldn’t be able to feel them. But getting rid of all this junk is psychologically, emotionally, physically, and spiritually the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
But it’s worth it right? It has to be, or it wouldn’t be so hard.
I can’t wait to see the other side of the storm.