Last night I listened to Blood Orange’s new album, Negro Swan which is uhhhmazing btw, and there was this song called Hope that perfectly expressed what I’ve been feeling lately.
Puff Daddy says “Sometimes I ask myself, like you know, what is it going to take for me to not be afraid to be loved the way, like, I really wanna be loved? I know how I really wanna be loved but I’m like scared to really really feel that. You know it’s like you want something. But you don’t know if you can handle it.”
That’s exactly the place I’m at. I can totally envision and feel this great love that I deeply desire, but I’m scared I won’t find it or can’t handle it… or worst of all don’t deserve it.
So instead I choose to play it safe. Opening myself up that deep again terrifies me.
And then the other question is: will it ever come if I can’t 100% believe in it? Like how can I create something I’m scared to believe is possible? And will I ever feel worthy and ready?
“Maybe one day I’ll get over my fears and I’ll receive.”