Last night, I finally noticed the almost imperceptible nagging at the back of my mind, and desire to self destruct, are symptoms that I’m feeling: overwhelmed.
I’ve been dying to escape lately. Any way I can find. Whether it’s sleep, Netflix, endless scrolling through Tumblr, or going out. I’ve been tryin to outrun myself.
Working towards my yoga teaching certification is a lot more stressful than I thought it would be. And I think part of that is the feeling that I don’t really want to teach… so why am I pressuring myself to perform above and beyond? Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE yoga… the thing is I just don’t understand why I felt called to enroll in the program. And my favorite learning is for fun, whenever grades and stuff start to get involved it’s hard for me to feel motivated to do my best.
Maybe I’m just being lazy?
To be honest, I’ve always had a hard time finishing things. I’m great at starting them, but then I get bored and struggle to push through to the end. It takes a lot to keep me interested, and once I start to feel my attention drifting, it’s hard to get it back.
Plus there has just been sooo much emotionally to process lately (that I’ve been avoiding). I can feel it starting to scream louder and louder for my attention. But I’m scared to look at it up close. I’m so over crying. And I know you gotta feel it to heal it, but I don’t want to! I’m tired of being sad. I guess that never goes away in life though…
I’ve also been feeling a manic need to clean out my closet and get rid of everything I own that doesn’t resonate with me anymore. It’s like a major life facelift. That stresses me out! I don’t know who this new person is, but I know it’s not the old me.
I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. Like it doesn’t fit right.
And it feels like I’m catching a cold. (Maybe my body is forcing me to slow down and rest and process). I’m so excited for fall break. I’m going to rest and still be productive in manageable ways. I really need some days off.
Also, the news! All the pain and suffering that so many people are speaking out about right now is overwhelming. The world seems like a crazy, hopeless place some days. But I keep telling myself that love always wins. And that even though it’s not my job to heal everyone, I can be as full of love as possible and spread that everywhere I go.
Hopefully after catching up with myself this week I’ll feel ready to take on the world again. That’s what self care is, right? 💜
art by me