I’ve been running away from myself this past week. Trying to shut out the wisdom that has been doing its best to reach me. Numbing and distracting myself by not allowing all the feelings to come through. But I don’t have the energy to keep avoiding myself anymore. I’m dying to be totally me again. I start to feel stuck and out of whack when I stop listening to that unbounded voice inside of me that gently whispers about what’s next. The most fulfilled and joyful me is running free and following her heart.
My favorite dream I’ve ever had about her:
I was going to a friend’s wedding and was going to be one of the bridesmaids. I brought some amazing red gowns that I wanted her to pick from. When I got there the wedding planner didn’t like any of them, and told me to wear a super boring periwinkle dress with a handbag I hated. I wouldn’t do it and ran off to the forest. I was wearing a dress and boots that were like the rainbow, all the colors magically swirling and shifting every moment. I was climbing the trees and felt so beautiful and wild and free. That’s the real me.
I’ve been searching for a sign telling me what to do next; should I really listen to those mysterious little whispers? How do I take the leap of faith? Usually I just jump off the cliff and think about the consequences later, but I’ve been feeling the need for responsible risk taking lately. That’s made me feel really stuck.
It’s time to follow my heart and trust that I will continue to be taken care of. I can’t believe in a life that would give me such wonderful dreams if I wasn’t supposed to follow them. What would be the point of seeing all those beautiful things, but not being able to achieve them? I really like the concept of faith that I learned from one of my yoga teachers this month. She said that faith is taking the action as if you know that it is real and true, and by doing that you create it. Sounds a little backwards, but that’s always been how it is for me. I do something that seems completely crazy and it opens up a whole new world.
Change has meant a lot of things are ending in my life. Although I am sad, I am deciding to look at it as a new beginning. Without those experiences and relationships I wouldn’t be here to day. And whenever I start to get really sad about something that I must let go, I remember that it will always exist somewhere. In another life or another universe I am there, loving them and enjoying that experience. And I know that there is so much more love to come. Love bigger and more amazing than I could have ever imagined.
I don’t know why whenever things seem to finally settle down, it’s time to shake them up again. But it keeps life exciting! Maybe that’s what peeling off all those layers that aren’t really me is. A constant shedding and recalibrating until everything in my life reflects the real, true authentic me.
art by me ✨