fear in disguise

I guess today is the perfect day to write about fear, it’s Halloween! Lately I’ve written about all of the numbing and distraction and uncomfortability I’ve been experiencing.

My lower back has been killing me. I googled some stuff and realized that it might be psychosomatic pain related to this transition period in my life. I’m trying to birth a new level of existence. When I was in labor with my son, I felt it all in my back. It felt like my spine was collapsing under the pressure of trying to bring the new little life inside of me into the world.

I feel the same way now. And it dawned on me that all the escapism and self destruction have been symptoms of my fear. My fear of being unsupported and lost in this new adventure. My fear that I’ve misunderstood the directions or taken a wrong turn. My fear that I’m going to die and not make it out alive. I guess, part of that is true. The Phoebe that will come out on the other side is definitely not the person I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, or even last month.

She’s bigger and brighter and more full of life than any previous versions have been. I’ve been resisting so that I can still feel in control. I’m being asked to jump off the cliff again, and I don’t want to do it! I want to stay where it’s comfortable. I’ve taken some time to sit with this last night and I realized that I broke my promise. I promised to come here and be of service. To allow the universe to work through me to create something incredible.

And I’m the one blocking it. I’m standing in my own way. I got scared to trust again. Scared to immerse myself in the unknown. Last night I dreamt that all of my ancestors were around me, watching out for me, and proud of the progress I’ve made. But this isn’t the end.

I’m terrified of what’s next. I have no idea what is on the other side! From past experience, I know that whatever it is, is better than I can imagine. I must let go of my fear of stepping into the light. Let go of the scarcity that is constantly seeking to control me. Let go of the belief that I don’t deserve all of the good things life has in store for me. Let go of my belief that I’m not enough.

It always circles around back to that, huh?

art by me ✨

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