new moon|solar eclipse in aquarius |Chinese New Year

Happy Chinese New Year!

January seemed like it’s own year between the closure of December and now. Maybe it’s because my birthday is in a few days too, but I’m so excited for the upcoming year! This past month for me has been all about release, rest, and rejuvenation – easier said than done I’ll tell ya. I’m not great at relaxing, I usually end up feeling so guilty about not being productive that I don’t enjoy the break I’m treating myself to. But this past little while I stopped listening to that voice and gave my body, mind, and soul the self care it’s really been craving.

It feels so good to finally let go of things that I haven’t had the courage to face. Some things have been in there for years! But the more I let go, the lighter and more free I become. And that is an intoxicating feeling. Not being tied down and controlled by your past is the best feeling in the world!

The other day I was hit with a Uranus bolt of inspiration and realized what path I need to focus on… I won’t tell you just yet but I am so excited. I can see the pieces finally falling into shape and a discernible image being born. Things are finally making sense! All of a sudden someone turned on the light and I don’t know how I didn’t see all of this before.

Anyways, another part of my new year new me is that I’m going to start posting videos on the blog! I’ll link them through youtube. Sometimes a story needs to be told and not just written, so I’m going to start sharing more of my story with you guys. I’m really excited about all this beautiful new fresh energy and putting it to good use manifesting my dreams into reality. There is so much magic right now just waiting for us to incorporate it into our lives!

Check out two of my favorites below talking about the new moon/solar eclipse and then begin to decide how you can best use this energy to step across the threshold into this new era.

“You are not just the drop in the ocean. You are the mighty ocean in the drop.” — Rumi


From Mystic Mamma

“A palpable shift is occurring, a recognition that all has brought us to the precipice of this moment right now. 
To step through we must bring mindful awareness to what this moment is asking of us. 
This *NEW MOON* Solar Eclipse in Aquarius is a reset toward a different level of experience. 
The shift is precisely in our outlook and our direct engagement with Life before us, around us and within us. 
Real growth begets the full power of our presence. But to get there we must leave behind the imprints and patternings of the past. 
We are the ambassadors of Spirit in human form, breaking out of the shell of past conditionings and opening into new experiential fields of depth and understanding. 
And it all winds down to the quality of our presence, deeply listening and paying attention to what is right before us.”

read full article here


From Marina Macario on Astrology Hub

“A Solar Eclipse is a turbocharged New Moon. Generally, New Moon rituals are perfect for planting new seeds and starting afresh. We are essentially working on the blank canvas of the dark moon where our ideas can gestate in the new moon soil. But with an Eclipse, the Moon comes between the Sun and the Earth. Therefore the lunar interrupts the flow of energy. It breaks our habitual behavior and gives us a kind of cosmic reboot.
“The Moon blots out masculine/left brain energy for a while, so the feminine/right brain is flooded with instinctual and intuitive energy. This makes the unconscious, conscious, like when you become aware that you are dreaming. During an eclipse, like the lucid dream, we get that same sudden feeling of hyperawareness. We could do anything!”

read the full article here



the day of Love

Can you really have it all in love? Someone who is your best friend, committed to building a great relationship, and gives it you to you just how you want it? I’m not sure… Well, I really want to believe it’s true, but that seems impossible to find! I usually find one or two of those things, but not all three in one. It’s like I keep finding every triangular love pattern, but the one I really want: consummate love.


Is it settling to be in a relationship without all the sides? Companionate love has been looking realllll nice lately. Why have all the drama and heartache that comes with passion when you can go straight to being best friends forever? Who needs sex anyways?

Ok ok, finding commitment, intimacy, and passion in one guy is the dream! But it already happened once… so could I really find it again? Or was that my only chance? Also, am I even ready to really open myself up like that again? The more I think about it, the more I realize I keep finding unavailable men because I’m scared to open up like that again. Heartbreak is so hard to get over. It took me 5 years! And I don’t think it will ever stop hurting or fully heal. Every time I hear Bruno Mars I’m crying like an idiot in Whole Foods again.

So how can I open up and love someone and be vulnerable when I’m still so hurt from the last time? I know it’s stupid, but a part of me keeps hoping that one day he’ll come back. I don’t want to be in that relationship again though. But could I really find something better? Does that exist? How could someone make me feel more safe and understood and talented and loved and special and beautiful and wanted than he did? I mean, we moved to Italy! The bar is set pretty freaking high.

Wasting time on Instagram the other day I came across some really insightful questions by Devany Amber Wolfe (@serpentfire) about love. She was essentially saying that if you’re wondering or asking for advice on whether they are the one or not.. they probably aren’t. But anyways, here are the awesome questions she suggested if you aren’t feeling sure.

  • Do you share values?
  • Do you communicate effectively?
  • Do you feel emotionally safe with them when things get heated?
  • Do you trust them?
  • Are you truly yourself with them?
  • Are they kind?

After reading those I’m like oh my gosh.. will I ever even be ready to do all of those things with someone? I’ve gotten comfortable again the past little while with being alone. I love sleeping diagonally in my bed and having the freedom to make decisions only based on what I want… like maybe spontaneously moving to another country. But are those things worth more than what a healthy relationship gives you? The truth is.. I don’t know! For me, right now, they are. But I’m sure if the man of my dreams came along and swept me off my feet my answers would be totally different.

For now I’m going to keep enjoying my own company, and if Cupid does end up finding me, I’ll take the plunge into that terrifying and amazing experience again. No matter how much it hurt, I would definitely do it over as many chances as I get. Love is my favorite drug.


When did being yourself get so complicated? At what age did we first start changing ourselves because we realized that by doing it we made others happy? And we could get our needs for attention or whatever else it was met. When I think about this it makes me really sad, because I wish I could go back in time and find out who I was before I started to make everyone else happy. I understand that this was necessary, in many ways, for survival and all of that, but why is it still necessary now?

Have you ever noticed how much of yourself you hide from certain people (even the ones you love and trust the most), or what behaviors you change to make others comfortable. I’m all for creating spaces of harmony and respect but I don’t want to live by some script created that says is it’s the only way for me to get what I want: a paycheck, relationship, whatever it is. People are complicated. We’re like chameleons, constantly shifting to match our surroundings… but when does that start to drown out who we really are and what we really want?

The thing is, people don’t want you to tell the the truth about who you are. They can’t handle it. They want to put you in a cute little box and know exactly how you will behave in each situation. It’s scary to be unpredictable. They can’t protect themselves from possible hurt if they don’t know how you are going to behave. But god, everyone takes everything so seriously. And I mean don’t get me wrong, I do too, but I’ve been realizing more and more that every single thing each person (myself included) does is completely about them. And I’m tired of being responsible for other people’s emotions – that’s not my job.

I do my best to be honest and kind, but sometimes we activate old wounds in each other. And that’s good! Because how could we ever hope to heal them if we don’t bring them up to the surface for a good inspection. Healing is a painful process.

I guess my whole point of rambling this much is that I just want to live my life! I’m trying my very best to be sensitive and kind to others, but I feel so weighed down by their expectations of who and what they think I should be and the emotional labor they expect me to do for them. I have my own wounds I need to heal. I can’t tiptoe around everyone else.

And I also need to work on my gratitude. It’s so easy to forget how much you have and to always live in a state of scarcity. It’s crazy how when I have the least amount of material things I am always the happiest, because I am grateful for every. little. thing. The bird I just saw fly by, the buds forming on the trees, that my car has enough gas to get where I need to go! It’s taken a long time to learn, but I’m slowly figuring out that abundance really is a state you can live in, no matter your material possessions. The more material possessions I acquire the more scarcity I see. I guess I’m scared of losing it all. But when you don’t have much to lose (materially) you start to realize just how full of beauty and love and support the world is.

The past few months have been really rough financially for me. I haven’t paid my phone bill, car payment, car insurance, credit card payment… you get it. And today I was almost out of gas… so I woke up this morning and started catastrophizing and going deeper and deeper into all of the fears I have about money and never having enough and how will I feed us or take my son to school… imagining the worst of the worst happening. But then I realized those were all just stories I was telling myself. None of it had actually happened, and might never. So I did a quick 5,4,3,2,1 and decided to meditate and clear my mind.

I remembered all of the incredible things I have to be grateful for: I woke up today, my sweet little boy is safe and healthy, I have food in my kitchen to eat, I slept in my warm comfy bed in my wonderful house, my good health, the birds chirping outside my window, the beautiful mountains… and the list goes on. I am SO lucky! And maybe I’m not rolling in the monies, but I have so many things that are worth living for. And guess what… a few hours later I got an email from my agency about a surprise check 🙂

So as alone and misunderstood and out of control and lost and forgotten I’ve been feeling, I know that is all a facade. I really believe that everything happens for a reason and the Universe has a much better plan than I could ever design in store for me. And it’s my job to go with the flow… and I’ll end up somewhere better than I could have ever dreamed alone!

Anyways, back to my original point: I am releasing my need to be what other people expect of me. I am the same Phobewhether I’m sleeping on the street or in a mansion. Whatever material things surround me don’t define who I am. And whether I have all the monies or none of them, I am going to live and love the life I have. I’m letting go of all the responsibility I’ve been carrying around for other people and all the healing I’ve been trying to do for them. That’s their job!

I want to be around people who are committed to growth and taking responsibility for themselves. Who encourage me to change and grow and not live by the rules, but to create my own. People who live their dreams at any cost and push me into doing more than I ever thought I could. I want to be one of those people too… so I’m practicing humility and self awareness and taking responsibility for all of me.

how to wait with grace

  • remember that you are not in control
  • don’t have expectations for how things happen or turn out
  • stay open and go with the flow
  • enjoy the ride!


Patience is a virtue I’m trying really hard to learn in this life, it’s not my natural state. When there is something I want, I want it NOW. I’m so caught up in my excitement to experience the thing, that waiting for it seems like it will never come. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because I keep feeling like there’s a something I need to do. This urge keeps gnawing at me and I get anxious thinking that I’ll never figure out what that thing is or how to do it. One of my biggest fears is dying and then finding out I never did what I was supposed to do or was capable of doing. So I feel like I just need to start something! …but I don’t know exactly what lol. If I could just be told exactly what to do, I would totally do it! But it seems like instead of clear instructions I keep finding foggy clues. I also wonder if I’m scaring myself out of just starting something, ANYTHING because I know it won’t be perfect. This week, before my birthday, I’m tuning in to my dreams and guides to figure out what to focus on and DO for the next year. Honestly a lot of this has been releasing and shedding layers that I no longer need. It’s kind of like cleaning up your workspace before you can actually get to work. I’m trying to be ok with that, and realize that is progress too. Without a clear mind and intention I won’t be able to concentrate on what it is I’m trying to do. So this week I’m giving myself permission to not do… to release and rejuvenate and trust that all of this is in service to my greater purpose. I’m practicing waiting with grace. That way, when it’s time to get moving I’ll be free of unfinished business and whatever else has been holding me back.



My temporary filling fell out and the toilet clogged and flooded the entire bathroom. I’m not even going to ask how much worse it could get, because I literally cannot take anymore. Yay for today!

touching the dark

For the past few weeks I’ve been feeling more and more like each nerve ending is being slowly sizzled on a George Foreman grill. Every little stress is pushing me closer and closer to the edge of losing it. I just want to scream and cry and break free from whatever the fuck is haunting me. I feel stuck inside my mind and I can’t escape!!

I’m so tired of being stressed out about money. And I’m even more tired of people blaming my work ethic, lack of sacrifice, or whatever else they think is the problem… which none of them are. I work so hard and sacrifice so much and my bank account is still overdrawn and I’m wondering how I’m going to feed us and pay the bills this month. This is something people who have never been in the struggle don’t understand. “Why don’t you just ask your family for help?” Because they can’t and WON’T help. Don’t you think I’ve thought of that before?

The number one thing being in the struggle teaches you is creative problem solving. When you are sleeping in your car, you figure out that if you get a gym membership you can shower every morning and that libraries are the best (free) place that lets you hang out all day . You learn that bananas are one of the cheapest (and still healthy) things you can buy, especially when you don’t have anywhere to cook. You learn the best neighborhoods to park your car in so people aren’t suspicious, but you’re also safe sleeping there overnight. And most of all you learn who really loves and cares about you. It’s so easy to tell someone that you love them, but when their life is falling apart and they turn to you for help, how you respond is the biggest indicator of how much you really care.

So here I am again.. looking last minute for a place to move. I’m so tired of moving. I’m so tired of being stressed about where I’m going to sleep at night. I just want, more than anything, a stable sanctuary that I know I can always come home to. It’s so hard for me to relax and process everything that’s going on in life, when I don’t have a safe place to do that. Have you ever seen that drawing where the girl takes off her human suit and leaves it on the chair while she soaks in the bath? That’s exactly what I need to do. But with the upheaval and utter destruction happening in my life for the past year, I haven’t found a safe place to do that. I think that’s why it feels like I’m raw and every tiny thing feels like torture.

I don’t know what to do next. I feel desperate. Like if I could just know what to do, I would do it! But I don’t know what it is!! Everything that could go wrong seems to be doing that. I’m once again thrown into feelings of helplessness and being out of control. I know the only thing I can do is go with the flow and stay open and ready for a sign of what to do and where to go… but I just want to have a plan! I hate feeling like I’m stuck in a washing machine. Spinning around and around with no escape.


following the path thru wildness of my heart

I was still feeling a little sad and off today, so I asked my friend to go with me to yoga. Whenever I’m down, yoga can usually clear out my mind and help me find my center again. And today was the most fun I’ve ever had at yoga! Usually I take it fairly seriously and am super focused on every little alignment and things like that, but today I just played. I felt the most beautiful, graceful, strong, and alive I ever have at yoga. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed during class before, but we did and it was amazing!

Near the end of class we were doing hip openers and all of a sudden I felt a rush of release. All the stuff I had bottled up inside came pouring out and I stared to cry. I’ve never cried like that at yoga before! And then my teacher started talking about answering the call to live our purpose in life and it felt like he was talking directly to me.

When I stared blogging it was because something inside wouldn’t shut up until I did. I never wanted to share my life with anyone. I’m not a sharer like that lol. But I kept feeling an unshakeable need to do it.

Today at yoga I felt that feeling again and heard something inside of me tell me that it was time to start sharing more. That I need to stop being scared and put the whole truth out there. The story isn’t mine anyways. I’m just the way this energy has chosen to be expressed this lifetime.

So… I’m going to stop taking everything so personally. And share ALL of it. No more fear. No partial story. I’m all in. Not sure exactly what form this will take… I’ve been thinking about doing videos, or a podcast, but I’m open and ready to take the next leap so I’m waiting with an open heart and mind until the Universe shows me what is next.

abandon me

“You can’t rush your healing, Darkness has its teachings.” – Trevor Hall

I thought that this year I wouldn’t put energy into pursuing men or relationships that I knew weren’t worth it. I thought that I finally had enough love inside of me, that I wouldn’t try to look for it outside anymore. But I’ve been feeling really out of touch lately, disconnected and stuck in this weird grey area… am I depressed? Am I lonely? Am I sick?

I don’t know what it is, but I have been all in my feels and super sensitive. So the other day when I was walking back to my car during Sundance and a nice man with a lovely smile stopped me and said he would love to get my number and see me later, it felt like the perfect solution to my feeling of invisibility… like the world had forgotten me, maybe I even forget myself too, but he reminded me that I was there and he could see me.

So we tried to make plans for a few days, but our schedules never quite matched and I found myself trying to rearrange things only to see him (which I should’ve noticed right away as a red flag), but I told myself it was ok to be accommodating because he was so nice, and from out of town, and who knew when I would see him again.

Anyways, I got off work early one night and we were finally going to hang out. Before I left to meet him I was having such a good time; feeling like myself, telling jokes, and connecting again to who I am and enjoying that. Once I saw him though, that immediately changed. All those old beliefs of not being good enough, having to change myself to make someone comfortable, feeling small and unseen… all of that came back full force and I retreated once again inside myself.

It wasn’t that he was rude to me or anything, but I just didn’t feel included. He didn’t ask about me or seem that interested in getting to know me further. I should’ve left, but I stayed. I don’t even know why. And then I ended up going home with him and made the mistake I always did before. Sleeping with someone for validation and to hopefully find some spark of connection to remind you that you’re alive and matter… but OF COURSE that never works. So I ended up feeling more empty and alone than I had all week.

I haven’t done that in a while, and really thought that I was past looking for validation and love in all the wrong places.. but old habits die hard. I guess it’s the classic abandonment issues thing: dad leaves and so you search for validation from men who you know can AND never will love you, then sleep with them because somewhere you learned that is how you make a man love you, they leave anyway and then you’re wondering why all the men you love ever leave you, so you tell yourself that of course it’s your fault nobody ever stays, you are unloveable (always have been & always will be), and then your unworthiness is confirmed and the cycle starts over again, each time making you feel a little more desperate/broken/alone.

It takes a lot of conscious effort to not fall back into old patterns of behavior, and I think between stress and lack of sleep lately my subconscious has been ruling me more than I realized. I haven’t been showing up for life and making decisions based upon the new agreements I have made with myself. I slipped back into autopilot. Depression will do that to ya! Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) my Darkness is back to remind me of the lessons I’m still learning and how vigilant I have to be in order to continue growing and living my best life.

Some wounds may never heal completely, they are too deep and ancient, but I will practice approaching love from a place of compassion and self confidence until that becomes my go to. I’m in it to win it in the fight for love!

happy new moon in capricorn!

It’s the first new moon of 2018! I can’t believe it’s here already. Time has been doing that weird slow, but fast thing for me lately… so I’m excited to have a new moon grounded in the earth energy of Capricorn. These past few weeks I’ve been overwhelmed, with a huge list, and so many demands on my plate it seems like I’m being pulled in a million different directions at once.

After a slight meltdown on Sunday, I finally slowed down and listened to my body telling me to focus on what is important. Sometimes it’s hard to know just what that is because there are so many people telling us what THEY think it should be. The mini meltdown was me calling myself back into alignment with what I know that I should be doing.

This time of year is always crazy for me, but now that I’m back on track and have set achievable goals I’m feeling confident again. Progress is being made! Even if it’s just baby steps toward my ultimate goals. Who was it that said in order to get somewhere you have to take the first step? A lot of first steps have been taken lately and I’m going to pat myself  on the back for that. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

From Mystic Mamma

*NEW MOON* in Capricorn is calling us to rise from within and move forward with our deepest Knowing. 
We began the year coming to terms with what is no longer working and what needs to be let go of and now it’s time to move onward and trust in the unknown journey that awaits.  
The beauty is we can choose to learn from our past and use our experiences as the fertile soil that will one day shoot new sprouts. Just as the dandelion seeds are carried in the wind to new ground, so we are held in the great continuum of life as it unfolds.”

read the entire forecast here

From the Hoodwitch

“Today’s new moon is in the Earthy cardinal sign of Capricorn the goat. New Moon’s magick is beneficial in helping to plant the “seeds” (intentions + goals) so to speak. Watch your “seeds” sown at the dark moon grow by asking to be supported in getting your new projects off the ground. From now until the time of the full moon is the time for culmination. Use the energy of Capricorn moon to stabilize your foundation materially. Capricorn New Moon concerns leadership, issues of security, and responsibility, it’s time to take care of business!” 

read the entire forecast here

From Henry Seltzer at Astrograph

“Tuesday’s Capricorn New Moon focuses a great deal of earth energy, with a Capricorn line-up of six planets, including Saturn,  SunMoon and Pluto. The outer planet aspects are also quite telling, with the New Moon in semi-square to Neptune, and in square to Uranus, with Mars in partile (or same-degree) aspect to Uranus as well, while Jupiter makes an extremely close sextile to Pluto. The outer planets take us right out of our narrow view of life in the physical, so that we will want to be alert for this now and over the next thirty days. Uranus, the Trickster, and the Awakener, by a process of surprise enlightenment and meaningful synchronicity opens us up to other-dimensional realities. Neptune allows us to drift away from the material plane entirely, functioning through dreams, poetry, and music to bring these other and more hidden realms to active presence within our very souls, while Pluto in Capricorn nudges us toward total transformation in our lives including our involvement with the mundane world of “getting and spending,” as poet William Wordsworth put it years ago, when the dawning of the nineteenth century highlighted the drama of our over-inundation with the material world.”

read the entire forecast here

From  Kathy Biehl at Astrology Hub

“Resolutions be gone! The first New Moon of the year on Jan. 16/17 is instead turning thoughts and hearts to goals. In down-to-earth Capricorn, it’s calling for concrete, practical, achievable, meaningful goals. And work.
Sound boring? Hardly.
“This New Moon is exciting and generates a sizzling aura that is constantly on the verge of discovering something novel and unique.”

read the entire forecast here