venus retrograde

It came in with a bang! Like a ton of bricks, or maybe more like a deceptively strong wind. However you’re feeling it, Venus retrograde is here.

I had no idea what to expect, but all of a sudden I was reliving old patterns of self destruction and fear of intimacy. I was scared again. All of the work I’ve been doing to uncover my light vanished in the blink of an eye. I felt totally defeated.

Looking for guidance and support I came across tweets somehow shared by @AudreyKitching. I realized that this is a time for cleansing and clearing away for good all of the junk I’ve been carrying around in my heart. Audrey calls it a heart detox. I didn’t even realize how much I needed this.

Another great little piece of wisdom that resonated with me from her Twitter was this: We always revisit the starting point once we have reached the ending.

I was so disappointed in myself and felt that I failed, and must have to do this all again, because it was coming back, but it’s just a big circle. Time to level up. Time to finally let go of all the untruths I have been holding in my heart. Time to invite and accept the love that is being extended to me. Time to embrace who I really am.

Who I really am is full of love. Full of laughter and light. There have been more and more moments of clarity when I feel that me trying to emerge. She is more lovely than I could’ve imagined. She is kind and caring and bright. Beautiful in every way.

I don’t have to suffer all the time. I deserve to smile and enjoy life. That’s been the toughest lesson to learn of them all. That I deserve a life full of joy.

I am terrified of what’s next because it will be something totally different than I am used to. It feels a bit like dying and stepping into a new world. But it’s also the most exciting thing! I’m getting everything I asked for… maybe that’s why it’s so scary. Because the old part of me keeps whispering that one day the other shoe will drop and it will all turn sour again.

But even if that’s true, it’s out of my control. Everything is. I had a thought come into my mind today that reminded me the only thing I have control over is how I decide to act. Which is funny, because I’ve been playing this song over and over again by Jeremy Zucker called ‘thinking 2 much‘ and I realized that subconsciously I was trying to send myself that message.

Always, you‘re thinking too much
Baby, slow down, realize
There’s more here for you

I don’t know what the future will be. I know what I am hoping for, but no matter how life unfolds I know it will all work out for the best. Somehow it’s always better than I ever am able to imagine.

Time to relax again and enjoy the ride 💜

p.s. I wrote this at the beginning of the year and it gets more true every day.

I am she who is coming into being

A woman empowering women

I love love

Walking the path through the wildness of my heart

Flowing like water through your fingers filling each container I’m in

Living in blissful surrender and trust as a fish who is fed by the sea

you are supported

You are loved.

You are special and your time is coming.

Don’t give up, you are so close.

It’s always the hardest when you are about to break through.

Trust the process.

Trust yourself.

Your dream life is coming.

Your love is here.

quality over quantity

I haven’t written in sooo long. All of a sudden life got crazy and I’ve been struggling to find some sort of balance. Between being a mom, work, school, and just life in general, I’ve been overwhelmed!

I have tons of homework and I’m still trying to unpack and make my new apartment feel like home. But I also want to spend time with the people I love and enjoy fall! Is it possible to do it all? I’ve also been really tired, I guess that’s nothing new… but you can’t get stuff done when you always need a nap.

Also just a lot of emotional turmoil about feeling like I have to keep up and compete with what I see people doing on social media has me wiped out. Luckily I know some great people who reached out and reminded me how much progress I’m making and that it can’t be measured by looking at someone else’s path.

Lately I’ve really been missing painting and writing, but I just haven’t found time. I keep telling myself to take things ones step at a time, but it still feels like I’m not doing enough. And then I’m sad and stressed and feel like a failure.

But the other day I was reading Mystic Mamma’s October forecast and it all started to make sense. Everything has been so foggy lately. Like I can’t even see the big picture anymore, I’m too caught up in trying to figure out a bunch of tiny details. In the forecast by Lena Stevens she talks a lot about taking inventory and clearing out what is no longer needed to make more room. The phrase that stuck with me the most is quality over quantity.

I’ve been a little obsessed lately with getting rid of stuff. Cleaning out my closet and storage and keeping only what feels good. I’ve been trying to do that with my relationships too. This year I felt stuck in an on/off again relationship. I deeply care about him, but we just weren’t on the same page. I wanted more than he could give me and eventually I settled for what he was comfortable with, just to keep the familiar around. It wasn’t ideal, but it was predictable. It’s hard to walk away when you don’t know what’s next. Like what if nobody else is out there? What if nobody can really love me the way I want to be loved?

I realized that unless I keep trying to find it, I will never have the chance to experience it. A part of me knows that if you can dream it, you can create it. I’ve been doing my best to see more and more clearly what I want and drawing it to me. It’s so hard to not go back to something comfortable instead of taking a risk. Opening your heart and being vulnerable is way uncomfortable but I really believe the only way to receive the love I’m searching for.

Also in friendships too. It takes balls to tell the people closest to us how we feel at times. We don’t want to rock the boat. And it seems easier to try to deal with it on our own then tell someone how they might have unintentionally hurt us. But I’ve been trying my big girl pants on and being as honest as I can. It’s scary! But it also is the only way to heal what hurts.

So I guess the main reason I’ve been m.i.a. is that I’ve been processing so much! And trying to find a way to show up for everything I value in a meaningful way.

Oh man, I didn’t even talk about my trip to the south yet. That will be another post for sure. That stirred up a lot of old wounds and I haven’t had the strength to dive in on that yet. But once I make some room I’ll be ready to tackle it.

Hope you all are being gentle with yourself though all of this work. I have to remind myself every day how much I am loved and supported and that just because things are crazy right now doesn’t mean anything went wrong. I’m just creating more space to be my true self and live a life full of quality over quantity. 💜

photo: Kathryn Burns

for: LOOM Curated

Kaela Rawson, Tess Comrie, Ginny Au

getting some rest

Maaaan today I have zero energy or motivation to get up. I can’t tell if I’m being lazy or my body really need the rest. I feel like a brick lol.

I’ve been working on things I can still lie down while doing… homework, emails, that kinda stuff. But, I told myself that in an hour I gotta take a shower and tackle the rest of the things on my to do list.

Even writing this seems like so much effort right now lol.

Oh man! I just realized my period is starting soon. That’s probably it. I get way tired and just want to sleep 24/7. My body goes into hibernation mode. I wish I could get work off and just sleep for 5 days straight. That would be amazing!

Well, now that I realized what might be going on I don’t feel so guilty for moving in slow motion this morning. Not forcing things is a continuous practice, especially in a country where it’s always about constant production.

I’m taking a guilt free nap. Take that capitalism!

falling back in love with me

Eclipse season was rough for me. So much old stuff came up that I didn’t feel strong enough to deal with… again.

But, despite feeling incapable somehow I made it through. I’m still here! I felt into my deepest wounds – boy they are infinite – and, amazingly, I found peace there. Somewhere in the depths all the hurt turned into calm. Weird right?

During that whole time I was feeling especially down on myself. Completely unlovable. Just a hideous mess. If I couldn’t love that, for sure nobody else could.

I always laugh at myself, because suddenly it always turns around. And I remember all the strength and tools I have. The choice to simply change my mind about what’s going on.

When I feel like I can’t go on anymore, like I’m literally going to die, something clicks… and I remember that life is like a spiral. The same stuff, just from different viewpoints.

This piece by Portia Nelson perfectly tells the story.


I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk

I fall in.

I am lost…

I am hopeless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.


I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I’m in the same place.

But it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.


I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in…it’s a habit

My eyes are open; I know where I am;

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.


I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.


I walk down another street.

Even though it feels like I’ve been stuck forever, I realized that this time it only took a few weeks to get out of the hole. Before that would take me months… or even years.

One day I woke up and it was all gone. The fear, self loathing, all that negative mess holding me in silent suffering. The clouds in my mind were gone. And I remembered how incredible I am. And I’m not saying this is some overly confident way, but incredible just like you! Because I’m here, alive, another day. My mind was wrong about death. About not being enough.

I started to see myself in a more accurate way. Yes, I’m highly flawed (who isn’t?) but that doesn’t mean I can’t love myself or that nobody will ever love me. People do love me! And I love me!

Even though it’s been really hard I haven’t given up yet. I still believe that all my dreams are possible. They’re coming true. I’ve been focusing a lot on what I’m creating instead of what I’ve seen in the past.

Building a whole new world takes work. And a lot has to go to make room for it all. That’s a really hard part for me, letting go. Even if they are things I don’t necessary want just because they are comfortable. But that’s all part of the process.

Now, every morning I wake up excited to be me. Excited to see what I’ll get to do today. Excited to love myself and everyone around me. Being excited about Love instead of afraid is probably the most powerful change I’m making.

I won’t let the past stop me from believing that love is coming my way. And it’s already here! I feel lucky that I’ve had time to get ready and learn better how to love.

I’ve ruined a lot of relationships by not truly being committed to loving. But I think I’m ready now. I’m at least ready to try! So I’m building a circle of love with family, friends, and hopefully soon Him.

how to receive love ?

Last night I listened to Blood Orange’s new album, Negro Swan which is uhhhmazing btw, and there was this song called Hope that perfectly expressed what I’ve been feeling lately.

Puff Daddy says “Sometimes I ask myself, like you know, what is it going to take for me to not be afraid to be loved the way, like, I really wanna be loved? I know how I really wanna be loved but I’m like scared to really really feel that. You know it’s like you want something. But you don’t know if you can handle it.”

That’s exactly the place I’m at. I can totally envision and feel this great love that I deeply desire, but I’m scared I won’t find it or can’t handle it… or worst of all don’t deserve it.

So instead I choose to play it safe. Opening myself up that deep again terrifies me.

And then the other question is: will it ever come if I can’t 100% believe in it? Like how can I create something I’m scared to believe is possible? And will I ever feel worthy and ready?

“Maybe one day I’ll get over my fears and I’ll receive.”

awakening and other things

My existential crisis is continuing.

I’ve been starting to think that it’s more than just that. I’ve googled. Read books. Talked to friends. And meditated. It just seems like I can never find a satisfactory answer. My saturn return is coming up… it will be exact this December. So there’s that too. Physically, I’ve been feeling way weird too.

Two times during this summer I got intensely sick for a few days. I never get sick.

Besides feeling sick, and majorly depressed, there have been other symptoms. My neck was really sore for a few days. My skin feels itchy no matter how much I moisturize and the skin just looks regular, like no redness or anything. I haven’t been hungry at all. My body has no energy. Sometimes I’m not even sure if I’m in there anymore. I can’t really explain it.

Also emotional things have gotten way more intense. Sometimes I really do wonder if I’m losing it. I feel like I’m dying in like a psychological way. Like literally feel like I am in the throws of death, but I’m just sitting on a bench outside lol. It’s crazy.

On one level everything I thought I knew is totally gone and I am lost in complete chaos. But a deeper, knowing, part of me is at peace and fulfilled. I had this experience a few years ago… the love of my life broke up with me. It was over Skype, and right after he said the words I just felt a rush of calm. Like time stopped and I was engulfed in the most peaceful feeling I had ever experienced. But then, it was like that reality broke and all of the pain and anger and hurt came rushing in. I still haven’t found that peace or closure again.

So I’m living in simultaneous realities. Parts of me are up in flames and breaking apart, but other parts of me are so happy. I guess that’s what the path to wholeness looks like. It’s extremely messy. I have a lot to process and let go, and I also think it will be a never-ending process. You don’t just suddenly become whole one day, but in the beginning it’s the hardest because there is just so much to purge.

I can see the woman I am striving to become and she is BEAUTIFUL. She owns her power and is full of love. She is the creator. All of those things are in me now, or I wouldn’t be able to feel them. But getting rid of all this junk is psychologically, emotionally, physically, and spiritually the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

But it’s worth it right? It has to be, or it wouldn’t be so hard.

I can’t wait to see the other side of the storm.