venus retrograde

It came in with a bang! Like a ton of bricks, or maybe more like a deceptively strong wind. However you’re feeling it, Venus retrograde is here.

I had no idea what to expect, but all of a sudden I was reliving old patterns of self destruction and fear of intimacy. I was scared again. All of the work I’ve been doing to uncover my light vanished in the blink of an eye. I felt totally defeated.

Looking for guidance and support I came across tweets somehow shared by @AudreyKitching. I realized that this is a time for cleansing and clearing away for good all of the junk I’ve been carrying around in my heart. Audrey calls it a heart detox. I didn’t even realize how much I needed this.

Another great little piece of wisdom that resonated with me from her Twitter was this: We always revisit the starting point once we have reached the ending.

I was so disappointed in myself and felt that I failed, and must have to do this all again, because it was coming back, but it’s just a big circle. Time to level up. Time to finally let go of all the untruths I have been holding in my heart. Time to invite and accept the love that is being extended to me. Time to embrace who I really am.

Who I really am is full of love. Full of laughter and light. There have been more and more moments of clarity when I feel that me trying to emerge. She is more lovely than I could’ve imagined. She is kind and caring and bright. Beautiful in every way.

I don’t have to suffer all the time. I deserve to smile and enjoy life. That’s been the toughest lesson to learn of them all. That I deserve a life full of joy.

I am terrified of what’s next because it will be something totally different than I am used to. It feels a bit like dying and stepping into a new world. But it’s also the most exciting thing! I’m getting everything I asked for… maybe that’s why it’s so scary. Because the old part of me keeps whispering that one day the other shoe will drop and it will all turn sour again.

But even if that’s true, it’s out of my control. Everything is. I had a thought come into my mind today that reminded me the only thing I have control over is how I decide to act. Which is funny, because I’ve been playing this song over and over again by Jeremy Zucker called ‘thinking 2 much‘ and I realized that subconsciously I was trying to send myself that message.

Always, you‘re thinking too much
Baby, slow down, realize
There’s more here for you

I don’t know what the future will be. I know what I am hoping for, but no matter how life unfolds I know it will all work out for the best. Somehow it’s always better than I ever am able to imagine.

Time to relax again and enjoy the ride 💜

p.s. I wrote this at the beginning of the year and it gets more true every day.

I am she who is coming into being

A woman empowering women

I love love

Walking the path through the wildness of my heart

Flowing like water through your fingers filling each container I’m in

Living in blissful surrender and trust as a fish who is fed by the sea

eclipse me

It’s time again. To step across the threshold into the unknown. I keep thinking that it’s the end, there’s nothing left to change. But then it’s time to evolve and enter a new reality again. Life is funny that way. You never stay comfortable for too long – if at all.

Before I thought that all of these crises meant I was majorly fucking up. But… now I’m starting to think that they’re here to help me get where I’m going faster than I could on my own.

Every time I think I’ve been broken open to the very core, something comes along and forces me open a bit more. I’m constantly realizing that the depth I feel is endless. There is no bottom to reach.

That’s kind of terrifying, right? But also kind of exciting.

I’ve let go of as many expectations and plans and control as I could lately. It’s scary to just go along for the ride, but things are way better than before.

At least in some areas. I constantly find myself swinging from one extreme to the other. I haven’t figured out how to stay in the middle ground yet. How to balance work and play. Loving without getting attached. Fulfilling my need for security, but also my need to create and fully experience this life.

I’m hoping that this eclipse is the reset button that will put all the right pieces in the right place. Show me how to feed my soul. Show me how to take care of the physical things. Show me how to love and be loved. Show me to create without fear. There are so many things I’ve been working towards, but I need a little extra hint on where to go next.

Not that signs haven’t been showing up. I saw three double rainbows in the past three weeks. Repeating numbers are everywhere. But part of me is still skeptical and thinks I might just finally be losing it lol.

It’s like having a word on the top of your tongue. I can see all of my dreams coming true and living that beautiful life, but I just can’t quite figure out how to grab them yet.

I keep reminding myself that what’s meant for me will find me, no matter what. Life is happening for me, not to me. And to just breathe and be in the moment. But patience is not my default setting. It’s something I’m constantly practicing.

I should give myself more credit. I’ve seen so much shift in the past few months. I’m learning a lot and I barely recognize my world now. But I’m always striving for more.

Did you see that crazy sunset the other night with the lightning storm? I could feel the electricity surging through the air. Through every cell in my body. We are all capable of tapping into that primordial power any time. Why is it so scary to live our dreams? To be who we know we’ve always been. What are we afraid of losing?

Going through my Saturn return is definitely teaching me the graceful art of letting things go when it’s time. The tighter you hold on, the more rope burns you get. What’s going is leaving to make room for more of what we are each calling in. Maybe not what we think we want, but definitely what we need on our deepest soul level.

I’m going to take my own advice and open myself even more to the changes sweeping through me. I will grieve what leaves. But know that something better than I could dream on my own is making it’s way towards me.

It’s all about trust.

photo Tess Comrie

wardrobe My Little Belleville

makeup Ash Ho

hope is finally here!

Instead of forcing myself to be productive today, I let myself rest. I took a hot shower and then snuggled in my bed all day drifting in and out of dreamland. It was wonderful.

I decided this week that I would practice being and integrating instead of continually pushing myself to check things off on my to do list. Usually I don’t give myself time to process and just jump ahead to the next task… but I started to realize how unhealthy this is. Resiliency can be a blessing and a curse.

Then I read The Hoodwitch’s Witch Tips & Horoscopes for this week and the questions I had been asking myself were answered. Isn’t it funny how that happens?

I hope you can feel the change in the air too! I finally feel free to follow my dreams even though I don’t know where that will lead. Being able to progress forward without the pressure of everything coming out perfect is exactly what I needed!

feeling off

Ever since the new Moon this weekend I’ve been feeling… weird. Not like my usual self. It’s not exactly that I’ve been depressed, but maybe like depression lite? And I know nobody is happy all of the time, but in this fake positive culture it’s hard to accept and deal with emotions that aren’t easily pinned down.

I think maybe a lot of it is anxiety. There are some pretty big shifts happening in my life right now and it’s so hard to not compare where I am with anyone else’s journey. Tuning in, I just hear all of the negative things that are running below the surface of my conscious thoughts. I thought with the changes I would feel relieved and light, but I’m feeling much more of the opposite. I have anxiety about an entire new set of problems. wtf. I just want to be worry and fear free!

One thing I’ve learned over the past few months is that sometimes the most positive things are the hardest to accept. I’ve lived so long wanting them, but once they’re attainable all the monsters pop up and remind me of all the reasons I shouldn’t get what I want. Also, suffering gets comfortable. You know what to expect and how to get through it. But, when things change you have to find a new way of living through that reality.

Think I’m going to head to my special spot in the mountains and cry it out after work. Sometimes that’s all the release I need to pinpoint whatever the uncomfortable feels are trying to point out. But if that doesn’t work I can always listen to sad songs and eat dark chocolate. Through is almost always the best way out.

Fall Equinox

Happy first day of Fall! The change in seasons is officially here and I’m ecstatic. I love Fall & Winter, mostly because being cozy and cuddling with my mini me and drinking tea every morning are my favorite things. But I also really enjoy the time for reflection that these seasons allow.

During Spring and Summer I find myself rushing around planting new seeds and starting a million projects. But in Fall I finally get to harvest and integrate the experiences I have been enjoying.

One thing I recently learned about the Equinoxes, is that on these two days per year the Sun rises and sets exactly along the equator. I love that symbolism! The balance between all the newness and growth we experience during the first half of the year, and then the turning inward and quiet contemplation of the second half.

Today I went to church (my little spot in the mountains) and thought all about my goals for this change in gears. A lot of times I don’t realize how much I’ve learned until I take time to consciously sort through it all. This summer has been especially eventful so I can’t wait to see what new realizations strike me!

This weekend I’m going to enjoy wearing soft pants and comfy socks and cuddling with my favorite people. How are you going to celebrate Fall?