the depressions

Weird how it just kinda creeps up on you… almost unnoticed until you realize that one spot in your brain is feeling funny again.

For me, it’s more numbness than sadness lately. And that’s the worst because at least when I’m sad I can do a little self reflection and hopefully figure out what triggered that.

But when it’s like this I don’t even know where to start. When did I first begin losing my patience and forgetting about how happy I’ve been? It was probably last night… I noticed myself snapping a little at the people I love, but I thought I was just tired.

Then, today I noticed the background hum of those old negative thought patterns getting louder and louder again. I want to tell them to stop, that things aren’t like they were before, and I have every hope and faith in bright future… but today I’m not so convincing.

I think I’ve been inside too long. I’m going to take a nice, hot shower and go enjoy the blue skies while I can. I always feel better after I get out of the house and breath some fresh air. Hopefully the birds are chirping because that always makes me feel better too đŸ™‚

the monsters in my head 

The monsters in my head won’t shut up today. Telling me I’m not good enough, who am I to date dreaming of selling my art, why apply for Salt & Honey Market when I know I’ll be rejected, I don’t have space to be creative, it’s not the right time…

I try to yell SHUT UP! And they babble on faster than before explaining/verifying/identifying all of my weak spots, where I fall short. 

It’s that low level unhappiness constantly playing right beneath my consciousness which is the most frustrating. How do I make it go away? 

The old “me” wants to smoke all the weed, take a real long nap, or go out for drinks with a friend. I know these will only make things worse so I busy myself with chores, meditate, feel the winter air & sunshine on my face, write in my journal, and get my art supplies out. 

It’s hard to create in this mood, but I know that once I get going I’ll feel so much better. Slipping into that familiar peaceful state…