awakening and other things

My existential crisis is continuing.

I’ve been starting to think that it’s more than just that. I’ve googled. Read books. Talked to friends. And meditated. It just seems like I can never find a satisfactory answer. My saturn return is coming up… it will be exact this December. So there’s that too. Physically, I’ve been feeling way weird too.

Two times during this summer I got intensely sick for a few days. I never get sick.

Besides feeling sick, and majorly depressed, there have been other symptoms. My neck was really sore for a few days. My skin feels itchy no matter how much I moisturize and the skin just looks regular, like no redness or anything. I haven’t been hungry at all. My body has no energy. Sometimes I’m not even sure if I’m in there anymore. I can’t really explain it.

Also emotional things have gotten way more intense. Sometimes I really do wonder if I’m losing it. I feel like I’m dying in like a psychological way. Like literally feel like I am in the throws of death, but I’m just sitting on a bench outside lol. It’s crazy.

On one level everything I thought I knew is totally gone and I am lost in complete chaos. But a deeper, knowing, part of me is at peace and fulfilled. I had this experience a few years ago… the love of my life broke up with me. It was over Skype, and right after he said the words I just felt a rush of calm. Like time stopped and I was engulfed in the most peaceful feeling I had ever experienced. But then, it was like that reality broke and all of the pain and anger and hurt came rushing in. I still haven’t found that peace or closure again.

So I’m living in simultaneous realities. Parts of me are up in flames and breaking apart, but other parts of me are so happy. I guess that’s what the path to wholeness looks like. It’s extremely messy. I have a lot to process and let go, and I also think it will be a never-ending process. You don’t just suddenly become whole one day, but in the beginning it’s the hardest because there is just so much to purge.

I can see the woman I am striving to become and she is BEAUTIFUL. She owns her power and is full of love. She is the creator. All of those things are in me now, or I wouldn’t be able to feel them. But getting rid of all this junk is psychologically, emotionally, physically, and spiritually the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

But it’s worth it right? It has to be, or it wouldn’t be so hard.

I can’t wait to see the other side of the storm.

i’m a mess

With so many things not going the way I envisioned lately, the easiest and least painful way to deal, has been escape. And I didn’t even realize that I was majorly avoiding my feelings or the reality I’m living in. I thought I was just rising above it, and not letting it get me down.

Not allowing myself to fully feel into everything that’s been happening, it’s no wonder I’m starting to crack. I’ve been emotionally disassociating… and that’s never a good thing. Because now that reality has hit, it hurts a million times worse.

These breakdowns are the times when I start to wonder if I’m crazy – again.

There has been too much going on in my life lately from relationship issues to childhood wounds to recent emotional wounds that I thought were healed – all being ripped open again. It’s just been too much to process, so I pretended that I was fine. That I didn’t need to feel all of those things. That I could just intellectualize them and I would be fine.

But I’m not.

Stupid periods dragging up all your hidden traumas and shoving them in your face when you’re the most vulnerable. And I know this isn’t what people want to hear, but it’s the truth.

Life is fucking hard sometimes. (Especially when you avoid your feelings, and then your period starts during the last week of mercury retrograde.)

Sometimes your relationships with people you thought were friends go up in flames, leaving you wondering how you didn’t see that in them before. Where were those red flag you missed? How could people you trusted with so much turn so easily on a dime and become just like everyone they pretended not to be?

Other times your most painful childhood wounds rear their ugly head and turn you into that helpless little girl who had no help in dealing with her hurt feelings, so she stuffed them deep inside. So you find yourself fighting those “daddy issues” over and over again, wondering not if, but when, this man will abandon and crush you with the withdrawal of his love.

There are also times when you jump off the cliff to follow your dreams and you look around in dismay as things seems to be going nowhere. You put your whole heart and soul out into the world and nobody seems to notice at all. People hating it would at least be a reaction, but you don’t even get that recognition. You wonder why you feel so called to do work and create art that nobody ever seems to care about.

And then there are times when you pray and pray for love, and then it’s comes, and you full on freak out, because you totally forgot that loving means vulnerability. And you’re so busy pretending to not be vulnerable that it completely catches you off guard. You totally embarrass yourself and cry and look like a complete fool all in less than a 12 hour period. Guess there won’t be a second date after all lol.

But the best times are when all of these things happen at once! jk. Well, I guess it’s kind of nice to finally stop holding everything in and feel the full force of pain I’ve been so carefully avoiding. Here come the random crying fits in Whole Foods and all day accidental naps.

Sleep is my number favorite escape, because in my dreams I don’t feel alone and like the only person experiencing these deep, unexplainable emotions. In my dreams I’m not crazy or overdramatic or too emotional… I’m just me, and whatever that looks like, is always ok.

One of my biggest struggles is suffering alone in silence. I never feel like I can reach out or ask for help, I hate being an emotional burden to someone else. That’s a lot to ask! But then I get in too deep and by that time I’m drowning so far down in the darkness that I can’t remember how I got there.

So these are the times I usually revert to my tried and true coping mechanisms… besides sleeping I start drinking too much, listening to sad songs and watching sad movies, withdrawing from everything in my outer life, and when it gets too bad I just stop doing everything. It all sounds really selfish, but it’s the only way I know how to cope.

Today I was determined to not lose this battle again, so I randomly started looking for a good, inspirational article to jerk me out of this emotional mess. And what do you know! The universe knew just what I needed to hear.

The best was this article about Pisces from Nylon. It reminded me that it’s ok I feel all of these things. That’s just how I am. It’s not good or bad. That little bit of recognition went a long way in helping me to accept everything I’m feeling right now.

Some other things I really enjoyed were the video I posted earlier by The School of Life talking about the benefits of breakdowns. And this article about opening up and loving bravely by Thought Catalog.

I wouldn’t say I’m back to 100% yet, but I definitely feel about better then I did after taking a two hour depression nap this morning 🙂

how to connect with depressed friends

I LOVE this TEDx talk about connecting with finds who are depressed. I’ve found so many times that depression is all the more isolating, because friends and family don’t understand what depression really is like to live with or know how to be there for those they care about when they are depressed.

The best times I’ve shared with others while I was depressed were the little moments of quiet companionship and maybe a dark joke. Like Bill says in the video, you can be sad and still be ok. It’s disheartening when you feel like you have to put on a mask in order to be accepted and loved. The thing that is the most comforting when you are depressed is knowing that you are still loved, appreciated, and valued exactly as you are at that moment.

Our culture is obsessed with fake happiness, and the truth is that life is messy and hard and sad, and so many other different emotions that we hide, and don’t allow ourselves to experience because we are afraid of not conforming to what society tells us are acceptable emotions to feel and display. The amazing thing about feeling down is that you appreciate feeling good so much more. The lower you go, the higher you can go.  Once I started to honor the darkness, and the light, I realized how integral and beautiful they each are to our growth.

I heard a quote the other day that was talking about how we could never see the beauty of the night sky and the stars unless the moon was dark, because if the moon was always full we would only know the light. I finally realized after watching this video that the gold in the pain of depression for me, is that it causes me to slow down and practice gratitude for all the small, beautiful things that life is full of. Depression has helped me to become more compassionate towards others. It has also taught me how beautiful the impermanence of life is. Death and life are the same. Without one the other wouldn’t be possible.

the depressions

Weird how it just kinda creeps up on you… almost unnoticed until you realize that one spot in your brain is feeling funny again.

For me, it’s more numbness than sadness lately. And that’s the worst because at least when I’m sad I can do a little self reflection and hopefully figure out what triggered that.

But when it’s like this I don’t even know where to start. When did I first begin losing my patience and forgetting about how happy I’ve been? It was probably last night… I noticed myself snapping a little at the people I love, but I thought I was just tired.

Then, today I noticed the background hum of those old negative thought patterns getting louder and louder again. I want to tell them to stop, that things aren’t like they were before, and I have every hope and faith in bright future… but today I’m not so convincing.

I think I’ve been inside too long. I’m going to take a nice, hot shower and go enjoy the blue skies while I can. I always feel better after I get out of the house and breath some fresh air. Hopefully the birds are chirping because that always makes me feel better too 🙂

lighten up! 

How can I lighten up when everything feels so heavy and depressing? How can I remember that it’s all just a game… nothing to be taken too seriously.

Being depressed is a lot of work. Physically, mentally, emotionally it takes a ton of energy. How can I redirect that energy into lightness & play? What’s that one physics law that says energy can’t be created or destroyed, just switched around? 

I’ve been so stuck in this funk (and for good reason), but that doesn’t mean I have to keep using my energy to hold myself down. All of that energy can be better used and maybe will help me come up with some magic! I could definitely use some of that right now. 

Low vibration energy gets stuck and doesn’t want to move around. It keeps me in a fog of hopelessness. But high vibration energy moves around a whole bunch! It’s always running, playing, changing, and not getting attached to anything for too long. 

Maybe that’s part of the secret: to not be attached. 

So now I guess it’s just finding practical ways to spend my energy doing things that make me feel light instead of heavy. Swinging at the park, petting the kitties at Best Friends, eating some yummy food, telling inside jokes with my mini me, watching animal videos… Just writing about it makes me excited to redirect my flow to the things that make me happy in life. 

It’s hard to remember this when you’re feeling down though, so maybe I’ll put sticky notes on my mirror or something 🙂