unexpected

Yesterday was one of the best days in 2017 for sure. It felt like I finally broke through some intense, heavy energy and was able to go upwards again. A lot of things suddenly made sense and I felt so free!

But the weird thing is that along with all of that lightness has come anger. And not just a little anger. I’m seething, and it’s all directed at my mom. I haven’t been this angry in a while and I can’t seem to stop myself from telling her how I feel.

wtf.

Our relationship has never been perfect, but I thought I had been working towards accepting her as she is… now I can’t stand her.

So of course I start analyzing everything. What am I projecting onto her that I’m unwilling to see in myself? Being angry means I’m hurt, so what wound is being activated? Why is all of this coming up right now? Could this be something impersonal that I’m acting out on her that has more to do with an archetype I’m using her as a substitution for? And on and on and on.

I’ve been wanting to take a break from her and our “relationship” for a while, but with everything that’s happening in life I turned to her for help. Which, god knows why because that always ends poorly for me. So maybe I’m unconsciously trying to force the break by acting out and pushing her away because I’m too scared to do it on my own and not hold onto whatever scrap of support I thought I could get from her?

I have no idea! I am just starting to even realize that all of this is happening so I guess I’ll see where it leads?

expansion

Can you feel all the Jupiter bigness today? I sure can!

I woke up this morning and felt the heaviness holding me back finally dissipate. I had to happy cry on my way to both auditions because I finally feel free again.

This past year, while Jupiter has been transiting my 8th house, I was dragged down into my very own personal hell… I thought I was never going to make it out. But then today it was like life slapped the shit out me, and I remembered who I am!

Phoebe – I contain multitudes. 

I’m so ready to harness this energy; and use it to rise like the phoenix from the ashes into the new reality waiting for me. I can’t even explain how high on life I am right now. Ya’ll should definitely get you some of this too!

 

 

lighten up! 

How can I lighten up when everything feels so heavy and depressing? How can I remember that it’s all just a game… nothing to be taken too seriously.

Being depressed is a lot of work. Physically, mentally, emotionally it takes a ton of energy. How can I redirect that energy into lightness & play? What’s that one physics law that says energy can’t be created or destroyed, just switched around? 

I’ve been so stuck in this funk (and for good reason), but that doesn’t mean I have to keep using my energy to hold myself down. All of that energy can be better used and maybe will help me come up with some magic! I could definitely use some of that right now. 

Low vibration energy gets stuck and doesn’t want to move around. It keeps me in a fog of hopelessness. But high vibration energy moves around a whole bunch! It’s always running, playing, changing, and not getting attached to anything for too long. 

Maybe that’s part of the secret: to not be attached. 

So now I guess it’s just finding practical ways to spend my energy doing things that make me feel light instead of heavy. Swinging at the park, petting the kitties at Best Friends, eating some yummy food, telling inside jokes with my mini me, watching animal videos… Just writing about it makes me excited to redirect my flow to the things that make me happy in life. 

It’s hard to remember this when you’re feeling down though, so maybe I’ll put sticky notes on my mirror or something 🙂 

soulmates, energy, connection…

I’ve talked before about my experience falling in love (here) and I mentioned that it felt like we had known each other forever. That was the main reason I knew that I wanted to be with him. Because when we were together I didn’t think about the past or the future, I was so deeply present and grateful for each moment we shared. 

What is it about a strong energetic connection that makes you feel like time has stopped? I was talking to a friend yesterday and she wisely said, “the heart doesn’t know time”. That’s why you can be with someone for days, weeks, or months and have experienced a full relationship.  The intensity of feeling is what defines the relationship, short term relationships are just as valid as long term. 

I haven’t felt time stop very often, but when it does that blissful feeling is something I savor. It’s some special kind of magic that points the way on this crazy life path I’ve chosen. 

The other day I felt it again. I walked up to you and time stopped. A part of me remembered doing this countless times before and feeling the warm, comforting embrace of your arms around me. 

Are feelings like this psychological fantasies or somehow recognition of ever repeating patterns? Whenever things like this that I can’t explain start happening, I feel a little crazy again. Maybe I was making it up? Maybe only I felt it and you had no idea? 

The main issue I have with these feelings is that they never last. And I have an incredibly hard time with impermanence when it comes to love. I want it to last, just one time! 

But maybe I’m missing the whole point. Maybe I’m wasting these profound experiences by not appreciating them for the love and magic they contain, even if it only lasts a moment. Some people may have never even felt that at all and here I am complaining. 

My friend also said life is preparing me for love again. Giving me little bits until I’m ready for the real deal. 

And I don’t think I’m ready! No matter how much I want to be completely swallowed up and obliterated by love, I’m terrified of allowing myself to be that open again. Of surrendering myself completely and letting someone else in. So maybe the Universe is testing me with small doses until I’m ready to trust again…