fear in disguise

I guess today is the perfect day to write about fear, it’s Halloween! Lately I’ve written about all of the numbing and distraction and uncomfortability I’ve been experiencing.

My lower back has been killing me. I googled some stuff and realized that it might be psychosomatic pain related to this transition period in my life. I’m trying to birth a new level of existence. When I was in labor with my son, I felt it all in my back. It felt like my spine was collapsing under the pressure of trying to bring the new little life inside of me into the world.

I feel the same way now. And it dawned on me that all the escapism and self destruction have been symptoms of my fear. My fear of being unsupported and lost in this new adventure. My fear that I’ve misunderstood the directions or taken a wrong turn. My fear that I’m going to die and not make it out alive. I guess, part of that is true. The Phoebe that will come out on the other side is definitely not the person I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, or even last month.

She’s bigger and brighter and more full of life than any previous versions have been. I’ve been resisting so that I can still feel in control. I’m being asked to jump off the cliff again, and I don’t want to do it! I want to stay where it’s comfortable. I’ve taken some time to sit with this last night and I realized that I broke my promise. I promised to come here and be of service. To allow the universe to work through me to create something incredible.

And I’m the one blocking it. I’m standing in my own way. I got scared to trust again. Scared to immerse myself in the unknown. Last night I dreamt that all of my ancestors were around me, watching out for me, and proud of the progress I’ve made. But this isn’t the end.

I’m terrified of what’s next. I have no idea what is on the other side! From past experience, I know that whatever it is, is better than I can imagine. I must let go of my fear of stepping into the light. Let go of the scarcity that is constantly seeking to control me. Let go of the belief that I don’t deserve all of the good things life has in store for me. Let go of my belief that I’m not enough.

It always circles around back to that, huh?

art by me ✨

how to receive love ?

Last night I listened to Blood Orange’s new album, Negro Swan which is uhhhmazing btw, and there was this song called Hope that perfectly expressed what I’ve been feeling lately.

Puff Daddy says “Sometimes I ask myself, like you know, what is it going to take for me to not be afraid to be loved the way, like, I really wanna be loved? I know how I really wanna be loved but I’m like scared to really really feel that. You know it’s like you want something. But you don’t know if you can handle it.”

That’s exactly the place I’m at. I can totally envision and feel this great love that I deeply desire, but I’m scared I won’t find it or can’t handle it… or worst of all don’t deserve it.

So instead I choose to play it safe. Opening myself up that deep again terrifies me.

And then the other question is: will it ever come if I can’t 100% believe in it? Like how can I create something I’m scared to believe is possible? And will I ever feel worthy and ready?

“Maybe one day I’ll get over my fears and I’ll receive.”

make the jump

I heard the other day, that the things you least want to write about, are what the world most needs to hear.

The number one thing I have always felt lacking in my life life is a sense of stability and security. Growing up, I always felt really different from my family, like I never fit in the way they wanted me to or that they loved for who I am.

When I was in high school, I acted out a lot in response to the pain of feeling unloved and unwanted by my family. I hung out with friends my mom didn’t approve of, started doing drugs and drinking to numb the pain, and any other escape I could find to get away from the constant hurt that I felt. They say friends are the family you choose and I tended to gravitate toward other kids with dysfunctional family lives. We were all trying to find love and feel loved by someone.

I think it was my freshman year that I ran away. I thought that if I could finally be free of my mom, I could be myself and be accepted by a world that I could create. I was gone for maybe two weeks. I still remember when the two girls I had left with decided we should go home. I went to one of their houses. Her dad called my mom and asked if it was ok if I came home, my mom paused for what seemed like minutes, and then in a voice devoid of any emotion said, “I guess.”

This is what I always remember my relationship with my mom being like. She was distant and emotionally unavailable. She thought that by controlling me or telling me who to become that was being a good mom. She told me, and continues to say the words ‘I love you’, but I’ve never felt that she meant them. Her way of showing love has never made any sense to me.

I had gotten my first job and been working since 14. I know we were poor, but she made it very clearly that she wasn’t going to support me anymore once I could work. So I got whatever shitty job I could and tried to make it work. She never made my brother work though, and was always buying him stuff, even while complaining that he was addicted to playing computer games but always there to enable him. Never doing anything to encourage him otherwise. And he was the smart one. In high school I was always skipping class, but he was taking AP classes and earning college credit. Everyone thought I was the hopeless degenerate. I was just really sad and lonely.

When I was 18 she told me that I had to start paying rent or move out. We had just moved to Utah, which I never wanted to do, and I was trying to drop out of school. The counselor convinced me to do homeschool, so I finished my classes doing pre-made packets and got a part time job while I looked for an apartment. I couldn’t find anything that I could afford on my own, and didn’t know anyone to ask to be my roommate, so I moved into a place that I didn’t know how I would pay rent for every month, and blindly hoped it would work out. Looking back, that was one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made. It began a pattern of moving into places I couldn’t afford, creating bigger and bigger problems when I had to move out.

I moved back to California with my best friend for a little while, we rented a room from a woman and got into a bunch of debt trying to make ends meet. I couldn’t deal with the stress anymore. I was so tired of always being poor. One night I took a whole bottle of extra strength tylenol, because it was the easiest way I thought I could kill myself. I didn’t realize how sick it would make me. My friend came home from work and found me. She took me to the ER and I remember the nurse telling me that she knew I was sad, but to tell her I was ok so they didn’t have to send me away. She said the real crazy people were there… I still don’t know what she meant. I guess being sad enough to want to die doesn’t make you crazy?

my mom and Grandma came to see me in the hospital. My grandma gave me a little stuffed animal and told me not to tell her husband. My mom didn’t say much. After, they never really talked about it again, or asked me why, or tried to make me see a therapist. So I moved back to Utah and kept partying, trying unsuccessfully to numb everything inside of me.

It was always the same story: try to make it on a job that didn’t pay enough living in an apt that I couldn’t afford. Things got harder when I became a single mom. Without much help, I couldn’t get a job or go to school or really do anything to improve the situation. And babies are expensive! Somehow I got the sweetest little boy, I still don’t know why he chose me.

Over the years I’ve had chances to make more money, but there is always a trade off. The deal goes like this: sell us a little piece of your soul and then you’ll be able to eat and sleep comfortably. But nobody tells you that every little piece you sell breaks your spirit just a tiny bit more. During the past few years I’ve been trying to figure out what actually  makes me happy and how to support us doing that. Being born with a trust fund or getting married to someone willing to provide for you seem like the only ways to live my dreams. Every time I choose to leave a situation, job, or person that doesn’t feel right it seems like the Universe punishes me more severely.

The past three years have been the hardest of my life. After deciding to leave a job (that felt like my own personal hell) I was evicted after not being able to pay the astronomical rent anymore. They were the only place that would approve me, I should’ve never moved in, but I didn’t have any other options. I stayed with a friend for a while, and then when he moved, my mom reluctantly let us stay with her. But true to form, when I needed her most, she told me I couldn’t stay anymore. So I slept in my car for three months until I found a place with roommates. That didn’t work out. So I was back at my mom’s and then -surprise- she told me I couldn’t stay again.

But of course she texts me every day and tells me how much she loves me and asks how my day is and a bunch more nauseating bullshit. Why does she always abandon me when I need her the most?

Now we’re staying in an Airbnb, I keep telling myself to enjoy our mini staycation, but I know that after this we have nowhere left to go. My mom told me to check out the shelters downtown or maybe the YWCA. I’m angry and hurt and completely terrified. I I don’t know what to do next. I keep dreaming about falling into a void, after falling for what seems like forever, I notice that I’m somewhere deep in space. And I don’t exist anymore. I’m part of space, or it’s part of me, all there is nothingness.

I saw a billboard the other day that said ‘make the jump.’ I thought it was telling me to move to Europe or something crazy, to finally escape all the shit here! But now I’m starting to realize maybe it’s telling me to jump into the unknown. I don’t want to jump. I don’t want to face this fear. I don’t want to be homeless. That’s the thing that terrifies me the most. But I guess I’ve already lived through that… I don’t want to do it again though.

All I’ve ever wanted is to feel safe and secure. What if I never find that?

surrender 2.0 

Sometimes it’s hard to believe that everything is going to work out for the best. 

I tell myself that it will,  over and over again. Something deep inside of me knows that those words some day will ultimately be true, but there is another, more immediate part, closer to the surface that is willing to fight every single one of those words. 

That part closer to the surface is extremely uncomfortable. It just wants to feel secure again. But… I think that was an all illusion anyways. Something you never feel in the moment, but look back on the past convincing yourself it was there. 

So how do I get comfortable with uncomfortability? How do I stop scratching that itch and relax into my biggest fear: the unknown. How do I trust that, whether I make it out alive or not, all of this is to help me grow bolder/stronger/wiser? 

I’ve gotten so tired of surrendering. I want to fight. I want to use force and anger and might to get my way… but that’s gotten me nowhere. I’m not good at all at this whole surrender thing. 

I’m not even sure if I have surrendered… I don’t know how. How do you know you’ve looked your fears in the face? How are you sure that there’s not more attachment? 

I guess until I figure this out I can’t move on. Which seems even more hopeless. I just want to start fresh & new & get moving!! 

Mostly I wish there was someone I could trust to confide in. Fighting all of your battles on your own is a lonely & weary process. 

fear

I don’t know how to start this post… because I REALLY don’t want to make it, but I think I have to…

In 2015 I moved into a really nice “luxury” apartment in Sugarhouse. I was so excited to be living there and fought so hard to make it happen. But the truth was, I couldn’t afford it. 

Every month I would cry and wonder how I was going to make rent. Something usually worked out, but honestly I don’t even know how. When my lease ended last Fall, I decided to move out to California. 

That was a total bust. Not only did they penalize me for not giving 30 days notice, even though my lease was up, California was a complete disaster. My relationship with my family fell apart and so I came back to SLC in December to try and rebuild my life. 

My son’s dad said he could stay with him for a few months while I got settled, so I rented a room and started working at a flower shop and getting back into modeling. 

It went well for a few weeks until the drama started, so I asked my friend if I my son and I could stay with him until I found a permanent place, and that was in February! 

I’ve been looking at old places, new places, EVERY place and still haven’t found anything. I went to check out an apartment last week and there were 15 other people waiting to check it out. One girl said she could pay 6 months up front. An hour later, I got an email saying it had been rented. 

I don’t know how I’m supposed to compete in a rental market like this. I don’t have 6 months rent up front lol. 

The most frustrating thing is not having a place of my own to go home to. I feel like I haven’t been able to completely relax since I moved out of my apartment in October. It’s always awkward being in someone else’s space and feeling totally in the way all the time. Like everything you do is taking up too much room. 

I’ve prayed/begged/pleaded that this could be over but it’s still not. I’ve been trying to find the lesson and even though I thought I had (several times) I still haven’t found a place. I’m not even fighting for a place anymore. Maybe out of surrender or pure exhaustion I’ve decided that when the time is right, the place will come to me. 

But until then how do I make it through another day of facing this fear? How do I stay calm and not succumb to the panic I feel constantly rising in the back of my mind? 

Yesterday, I was feeling especially down about the situation, and decided to read some books to see if they had any insight. I opened the book at random to a chapter about trusting life even though it is beyond our control and having the courage to follow your personal path which is terrifying but the only way to unlocking your genius. Scary stuff! 

The root of all my fear is unworthiness. For so long I believed I wasn’t worthy of anything: love, a career I was passionate about, a beautiful home, loving family…

It’s always this same fear showing up in different costumes and here it is, whispering I somehow don’t deserve to get my own place again. That it will never happen and I’ll be stuck here forever, or at least until my friend gets tired of me. 

The book says that this is “…the path through fear. Whatever your deepest fear is, you will meet it and you will transcend it.”I’ve been fighting the fear of unworthiness all of my life, I know how to do that. 

But knowing that I’ll overcome it is the scariest part, because what comes next?