the year of love 💜

A few weeks ago I woke up after a late night out, walked into the bathroom, and when I looked up I was shocked to see the most beautiful girl in the world staring back at me. And not beautiful in just the traditional ways, but beautiful because I could see her soul in all its glory radiating from every cell in her body. I had never seen myself like that before… at least not for a really long time.

In that moment I fell totally in love with myself. And a really sweet line I had heard a few days earlier popped into my mind: “He doesn’t see me as incomplete, he sees me as I am.” I was the “he” seeing myself in all my perfect imperfectness and being totally and completely in love with what I saw looking back at me.

That was the best morning of my life.

But then life started again and I got caught up in all the muck… that feeling of unconditional love and self compassion I had felt slowly faded into the background. I started talking down to myself again and getting sucked into all those bad old habits I had been trying so long to break free of. The ensuing depression got worse and worse until New Year’s Eve, by then I was so consumed that I didn’t want to get out of bed.

Thankfully, my friends forced me to get up and shower and told me we were going to hit the town! It was the last thing in the world I wanted to do, but after I showered and ate a bowl of oatmeal I felt that lovely feeling starting to creep through me again.

I put on a gold shirt I got way cheap at Savers as a dress, gold hoops, and lots of gold glitter under my eyes and started to notice  how beautiful I was becoming again. I remembered to laugh and felt myself warming up after being stuck in that cold depression the past few weeks. I caught myself dancing and went out with my friends for a New Year’s Eve I’ll never forget.

The next day I woke up and when I saw myself in the mirror I recognized all that radiant beauty again. I was glowing! It’s not a feeling that I will ever be able to fully describe, but I could literally feel love flowing through every vein of my body. I had connected again, and unknowingly, to an eternal source of love… a source that came from somewhere deep inside myself.

I thought about making a list of intentions for this year, but I realized that if I could tap into the love and live through it, what I wrote on paper wouldn’t matter because everything I was seeking I found inside that love. Now I know what people mean when they say that once you love yourself, you can love somebody else.

There’s so much love that it’s almost overwhelming, I need to share it with someone, and everyone I meet gets a taste. For a long time I didn’t think I could ever give myself over to love again, but I realized that I’m finally ready. And I’m ready because the love I have to give is unconditional. The love doesn’t seek anything in return, it only wants to give and I think that’s what true love is.

So Universe or God or whatever you want to call it: I’m ready for LOVE. I devote myself completely to love. To living in the present moment filled with more love than I’ll ever know what to do with. Allowing myself to be open and vulnerable in sharing that love with others. 2018 is the Year of Love.

presence 

I’ve been working so long on myself: to heal old wounds, identify unconscious negative thought patterns, and surrender with trust into the flow of life that I’ve been forgetting about the outward stuff lately. 

Doing the inside work is important, but it’s also just as important to develop yourself in the world. Socially, career-wise, financially… 

I do this thing where I get really focused on what’s happening in my emotional world, and I forget to keep working towards my outside world goals and aspirations. Then I’ll look through my journal and remember, “Oh shit! I still have all these goals to work on.”

What really helps me in getting back to a place where I’m focused on both inner and outer wants/needs, is staying present in the moment. It’s so easy to get caught up and carried away in ruminating about every little thing that’s happening (believe me, I am the QUEEN of over analyzing), but ultimately that gets you nowhere. 

And the funny thing is life always seems to come along and gently tap me on the shoulder. Like hey girl, remember to stay on the path that’s been set for you. 

I dreamt last night of two tiny yellow birds, who landed on me and sang the prettiest song. This morning I looked it up and found a lot of info about yellow warblers and this insightful paragraph that really spoke to me:

Warblers are also telling us how to focus our energies. Sometimes we tend to spend our time to things that are not valuable. Make sure that we develop the things that can help us grow, because if not, we will only waste our time and energy. Start from analyzing your talents; hone your skills by undergoing a formal training, and join competition. This will further improve not only your talents but also your self-esteem. (auntyflo.com)

I’m excited to start focusing on my goals again and what I want to manifest in my life. I kept putting those things on the back burner to dive deeper inside, but I’m realizing more and more that I need to balance both of those worlds. Without balance I’ll never be whole. 

My personal reminder for this week: stay light & remember inside development is nothing without integrating it into your outer world.