disappearing act

I was just thinking about something… I’m really bad at endings. I can usually sense when something is over, or coming to an end, and know it’s time to move on. I’m the worst at communicating that though. Most of the time I just disappear. I hate having those conversations about why I’m leaving or whatever the thing is that isn’t working out for me anymore. So, instead of being honest about my feelings, I leave and never look back. It comes back to bite me in the ass though.

I don’t know where or how I learned that stealing away like a thief in the night is less painful for both parties than telling them why you have to go. I think part of it is that I hate having to explain why. Because there’s never a good answer. I just know it’s time to go. And they’re never satisfied with that.

Maybe I’m a lot like my Dad in that sense. At my last count he has almost 20 children… and he’s left most of them behind. I don’t know if he told my mom he was leaving or why, but I do know it was when she was only a few months pregnant. I think she said the only thing he ever bought her was a box of tea.

It’s extremely hard not to take someone leaving personally. Of course it had to be something you did (or didn’t do), or maybe said. But the truth is, someone leaving can never be about you. It’s always, entirely, about them. That’s crazy to think about because of all the people and situations I left and then realizing that people leaving me is the same thing. It’s never been about me, always them. And the crazy stories or theories I came up with to cope could never match the probably very simple reasons they left.

Maybe my Dad just didn’t want the responsibility of another child. I mean obviously it couldn’t be personal… I wasn’t even born yet! But it still feels like a very personal betrayal and rejection. Maybe I’ve left so many people so that I wouldn’t be the one getting left behind. Kind of like a preemptive strike thing. Or maybe I had to leave so many people and situations to realize that leaving isn’t a personal thing and to learn to stop taking it so seriously.

Anyways, it’s a pattern I’ve been noticing. One that I’m trying to unravel and transcend. How can I muster up the courage to talk through my reasons without feeling obligated to stay? I don’t know, I guess I have to try it first and see.

Nothing is personal. Everything is just a story we tell ourselves in order to cope with what we perceive as rejection. But how can we be cut off and rejected when we’re all so deeply intertwined?

I went to my special spot on my birthday feeling lonely and let down, so I thought I would go up there for my very own pity party. My expectations weren’t lining up with reality and I was feeling very woe is me. But when I stopped to listen, all I heard around me were reminders that I wasn’t alone. The river gurgling by, the birds singing, the wind in the trees. Everything was alive and living and breathing just like I was.

No matter how hard I may try to cut myself off… the Universe and all of it’s love and support is there to hold me. The greatest lie we’ve come to believe is that we are separate. But we’re all connected. So all of our fears of rejection are pointless.

What we can do better is to allow ourselves the freedom to follow our path. There is a path each one of us must walk alone, and where it leads only we know. It’s our special mission to figure out what we came here to do.

There are cycles of beginnings and endings that we must honor. Trying to force anything will never end up well. So maybe my disappearing act isn’t a failure, but an opening to the possibility of accepting the cycles of change with grace. I love that within every shadow there is light. Within every trial is the seed of success. Life is like a spiral upwards… it’s always the same you’re just being tested on a harder and higher level of understanding. Maybe that’s what Karr meant he said, “plus ça change, plus c’est la meme chose (the more it changes, the more it is the same).”


When did being yourself get so complicated? At what age did we first start changing ourselves because we realized that by doing it we made others happy? And we could get our needs for attention or whatever else it was met. When I think about this it makes me really sad, because I wish I could go back in time and find out who I was before I started to make everyone else happy. I understand that this was necessary, in many ways, for survival and all of that, but why is it still necessary now?

Have you ever noticed how much of yourself you hide from certain people (even the ones you love and trust the most), or what behaviors you change to make others comfortable. I’m all for creating spaces of harmony and respect but I don’t want to live by some script created that says is it’s the only way for me to get what I want: a paycheck, relationship, whatever it is. People are complicated. We’re like chameleons, constantly shifting to match our surroundings… but when does that start to drown out who we really are and what we really want?

The thing is, people don’t want you to tell the the truth about who you are. They can’t handle it. They want to put you in a cute little box and know exactly how you will behave in each situation. It’s scary to be unpredictable. They can’t protect themselves from possible hurt if they don’t know how you are going to behave. But god, everyone takes everything so seriously. And I mean don’t get me wrong, I do too, but I’ve been realizing more and more that every single thing each person (myself included) does is completely about them. And I’m tired of being responsible for other people’s emotions – that’s not my job.

I do my best to be honest and kind, but sometimes we activate old wounds in each other. And that’s good! Because how could we ever hope to heal them if we don’t bring them up to the surface for a good inspection. Healing is a painful process.

I guess my whole point of rambling this much is that I just want to live my life! I’m trying my very best to be sensitive and kind to others, but I feel so weighed down by their expectations of who and what they think I should be and the emotional labor they expect me to do for them. I have my own wounds I need to heal. I can’t tiptoe around everyone else.

And I also need to work on my gratitude. It’s so easy to forget how much you have and to always live in a state of scarcity. It’s crazy how when I have the least amount of material things I am always the happiest, because I am grateful for every. little. thing. The bird I just saw fly by, the buds forming on the trees, that my car has enough gas to get where I need to go! It’s taken a long time to learn, but I’m slowly figuring out that abundance really is a state you can live in, no matter your material possessions. The more material possessions I acquire the more scarcity I see. I guess I’m scared of losing it all. But when you don’t have much to lose (materially) you start to realize just how full of beauty and love and support the world is.

The past few months have been really rough financially for me. I haven’t paid my phone bill, car payment, car insurance, credit card payment… you get it. And today I was almost out of gas… so I woke up this morning and started catastrophizing and going deeper and deeper into all of the fears I have about money and never having enough and how will I feed us or take my son to school… imagining the worst of the worst happening. But then I realized those were all just stories I was telling myself. None of it had actually happened, and might never. So I did a quick 5,4,3,2,1 and decided to meditate and clear my mind.

I remembered all of the incredible things I have to be grateful for: I woke up today, my sweet little boy is safe and healthy, I have food in my kitchen to eat, I slept in my warm comfy bed in my wonderful house, my good health, the birds chirping outside my window, the beautiful mountains… and the list goes on. I am SO lucky! And maybe I’m not rolling in the monies, but I have so many things that are worth living for. And guess what… a few hours later I got an email from my agency about a surprise check 🙂

So as alone and misunderstood and out of control and lost and forgotten I’ve been feeling, I know that is all a facade. I really believe that everything happens for a reason and the Universe has a much better plan than I could ever design in store for me. And it’s my job to go with the flow… and I’ll end up somewhere better than I could have ever dreamed alone!

Anyways, back to my original point: I am releasing my need to be what other people expect of me. I am the same Phobewhether I’m sleeping on the street or in a mansion. Whatever material things surround me don’t define who I am. And whether I have all the monies or none of them, I am going to live and love the life I have. I’m letting go of all the responsibility I’ve been carrying around for other people and all the healing I’ve been trying to do for them. That’s their job!

I want to be around people who are committed to growth and taking responsibility for themselves. Who encourage me to change and grow and not live by the rules, but to create my own. People who live their dreams at any cost and push me into doing more than I ever thought I could. I want to be one of those people too… so I’m practicing humility and self awareness and taking responsibility for all of me.


I don’t know how to start this post… because I REALLY don’t want to make it, but I think I have to…

In 2015 I moved into a really nice “luxury” apartment in Sugarhouse. I was so excited to be living there and fought so hard to make it happen. But the truth was, I couldn’t afford it. 

Every month I would cry and wonder how I was going to make rent. Something usually worked out, but honestly I don’t even know how. When my lease ended last Fall, I decided to move out to California. 

That was a total bust. Not only did they penalize me for not giving 30 days notice, even though my lease was up, California was a complete disaster. My relationship with my family fell apart and so I came back to SLC in December to try and rebuild my life. 

My son’s dad said he could stay with him for a few months while I got settled, so I rented a room and started working at a flower shop and getting back into modeling. 

It went well for a few weeks until the drama started, so I asked my friend if I my son and I could stay with him until I found a permanent place, and that was in February! 

I’ve been looking at old places, new places, EVERY place and still haven’t found anything. I went to check out an apartment last week and there were 15 other people waiting to check it out. One girl said she could pay 6 months up front. An hour later, I got an email saying it had been rented. 

I don’t know how I’m supposed to compete in a rental market like this. I don’t have 6 months rent up front lol. 

The most frustrating thing is not having a place of my own to go home to. I feel like I haven’t been able to completely relax since I moved out of my apartment in October. It’s always awkward being in someone else’s space and feeling totally in the way all the time. Like everything you do is taking up too much room. 

I’ve prayed/begged/pleaded that this could be over but it’s still not. I’ve been trying to find the lesson and even though I thought I had (several times) I still haven’t found a place. I’m not even fighting for a place anymore. Maybe out of surrender or pure exhaustion I’ve decided that when the time is right, the place will come to me. 

But until then how do I make it through another day of facing this fear? How do I stay calm and not succumb to the panic I feel constantly rising in the back of my mind? 

Yesterday, I was feeling especially down about the situation, and decided to read some books to see if they had any insight. I opened the book at random to a chapter about trusting life even though it is beyond our control and having the courage to follow your personal path which is terrifying but the only way to unlocking your genius. Scary stuff! 

The root of all my fear is unworthiness. For so long I believed I wasn’t worthy of anything: love, a career I was passionate about, a beautiful home, loving family…

It’s always this same fear showing up in different costumes and here it is, whispering I somehow don’t deserve to get my own place again. That it will never happen and I’ll be stuck here forever, or at least until my friend gets tired of me. 

The book says that this is “…the path through fear. Whatever your deepest fear is, you will meet it and you will transcend it.”I’ve been fighting the fear of unworthiness all of my life, I know how to do that. 

But knowing that I’ll overcome it is the scariest part, because what comes next? 


Isn’t life interesting? 

Watching The School of Life video about Infidelity. Reading Alain de Botton’s The Course of Love. Remembering how my psychic said I would have multiple partners in the future. Becoming super interested and feeling connected to Goddess mythology. This whole situation with that guy (yes, HIM). 

So many things manifesting into my life all at once to help me break through living my life half heartedly. 

I’ve been blind for so long. I’m finally waking up and living my life fully committed to following the path of my heart. 

It’s scary! People don’t like it at all. But the more I do it, the happier I am. I’m finally beginning to understand how my past was always leading me to this moment. I’m beyond grateful for the experiences & knowledge entering my life right now. 

Oh life, I love you! 


I went on the most beautiful hike this morning. I don’t remember the mountains ever being such a vibrant green! 

I love climbing to the peak and looking down on the city below. Whenever I’m stuck or searching for perspective I come to the mountains for guidance. They always feel like home.  

Today everything was covered in bright green grass, trees, purple and yellow flowers, and birds singing everywhere. I felt overwhelmed by the natural beauty and so grateful that this experience is only a few minutes from my house whenever I need to rejuvenate. 

When you’re stuck in a situation it’s hard to see how far you’ve come and how close you are to success. I just finished this great book (Owning Your Own Shadow by Robert A. Johnson) which talks about the power of sitting in the middle of an uncomfortable opposition and learning to find the higher way out, which doesn’t submit to either side but rather transcends. 

So today on the mountaintop I wondered to myself how to practice this in my own life. How can I use this current period of crisis to go beyond myself, into a connection with something higher? 

In the Owning Your Own Shadow (pg 93-94), Robert Johnson quotes Dr. Marie-Louise bon Franz who perfectly explains this experience:

“Jung has said that to be in a situation where there is now way out, or to be in a conflict where there is no solution, is the classical beginning of the process of individuation. It is meant to be a situation without solution: the unconscious wants the hopeless conflict in order to put ego-consciousness up against the wall, so that man has to realize that whatever he does is wrong, whichever way he decides will be wrong. This is meant to knock out the superiority of the ego, which always acts from the illusion that it has the responsibility of decision. Naturally, if a man says, “Oh well, then I shall just let everything go and make no decision, but just protract and wriggle out of [it],” the whole thing is equally wrong, for them naturally nothing happens. But if he is ethical enough to suffer to the core of his personality, then generally…the Self manifests. In religious language you could say that the situation without issue is meant to force the man to rely on an act of God. In psychological language the situation without issue, which the anima arranges with great skill in a man’s life, is meant to drive him into a condition in which he is capable of experiencing the Self. When thinking of the anima as the soul guide, we are apt to think of Beatrice leading Dante up to Paradise, but we should not forget that he experienced that only after he had gone through Hell. Normally, the anima does not take a man by the hand and lead him right up to Paradise; she puts him first in a hot cauldron where he is nicely roasted for a while.”

Hopefully being conscious that I’m currently being roasted in a hot cauldron is the first step lol. 


Since the end of February I’ve been going to the gym (getting those gains!) and have loved returning to that rhythm. I feel stronger, more attractive, and definitely more confident. I didn’t want to get stuck in the same routine, so I decided to add some yoga classes. I practiced yoga religiously a few years ago and still have a gentle daily practice, but haven’t been to a class in a while. 

My ego was feeling pretty inflated and I was beyond confident that I had it in the bag. I mean I go to the gym 5x a week, trail run, and get in some quick workouts throughout the day. So I signed up for a class that combined cardio and strength training… and it kicked my ass! Sweat was literally pouring down my face, I couldn’t see, and even more humbling there was a pregnant woman next to me breezing through the class. 

After I left that class I was reminded of two things. 

1. if I’m always stopping and starting I’ll never be as good as taking small, consistent steps toward my goals (have you read The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy?) and 2. stop comparing my journey to others. I don’t know how long it took them to get there, and that doesn’t really matter because their path is completely different from mine. 

So I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and noticed that although I regularly have “aha” moments… they never stick. I’ll be in a space of incredible clarity and knowing and then forget and lose my way again. My number one question right now is: how do I keep those moments alive? How can I remind myself to continue living my purpose when life happens and gets in the way? How do I stay connected? 

I’ve been listening to an awesome webinar hosted by Dustin Urban all about tuning into and living your purpose all this week. Today the guest was Jonathan Gustin who made a comment that really stuck out to me. He was talking about how finding and keeping your soul purpose alive requires an ongoing relationship. You can’t watch one webinar, take notes, and then never look at them again. Every day you have to allow your purpose to be front and center. 

Even though it seems like I take three steps forward and two back, at least I’m making that one step! I’m excited to currently be at at a place where I am conscious of these patterns of resistance, which make it difficult to constantly embody my purpose. Instead of trying to get rid of them completely, I’ve decided to start listening and giving them space. Hopefully then I will be making consistent progress… and no more of all this stopping and starting over. 

patience, dear one 

This week I’ve been trying to identify all those places where I substitute waiting for what I want with something not as good; just to fill the time until the thing I really want comes along. And man, there’s a lot of places like that in my life. 

The deepest and infinitely wise parts of me are patient and willing to wait forever, accepting nothing less than what I deeply desire. But other parts are busy filling those uncomfortable places with people and things that sort of get the job done hoping this will distract me enough from the gnawing sensation of never being satisfied. 

Maybe I’ve been lying to myself for a long time. Telling myself I’m so good at waiting, but never realizing that distractions are keeping me from ever truly fulfilling those empty places inside my heart. 

Embracing the shadow side of me that’s impatient, reckless, and impulsively consuming whatever is in my path hoping to feed my hunger is a constant battle. If I don’t numb myself with alcohol, fake friends, doomed relationships, and shopping, the only thing that’s left is to face what I’m desperately trying to escape: loneliness. 

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my time alone but it’s not having someone to call and share my day with (the good & bad), nobody to hold my hand walking through the rain, and waking up to face another day alone that reminds me of the dull ache inside my heart. 

I know I should be focusing on enjoying my freedom and time alone, but I keep wondering if life really matters as much when there’s no one to share it with. Count me in as a hopeless romantic I guess lol. 

But I’m scared to dive deeper into the darkness. Who knows what I’ll find down there… 


Sometimes the world seems so bright and full of opportunity… and other times it doesn’t. I’ve been working through this duality a lot, in many different areas of my life the past few months. One part is full of abundance and progress, while the other falls deeper into the darkness of the unknown. 

I’ve been working really hard to look at my circumstances objectively, to find the patterns and opportunities for growth constantly being presented to me. But sometimes (like today) I get “bad” news and I want to give up forever. 

I know that it won’t last long though. Even when my hopes/plans/dreams fall through and I think I’ll never be myself again, the Sun always starts to shine into that dark place and I’m reminded that I don’t give up. I’ve made it through worse and I could make it through again. I’ve tasted something better than this reality and I won’t stop until my life always feels like that. 

I cried a lot today after the “bad” news and that helped a little, but what helped the most was going outside and writing down all of my thoughts. Not trying to convince myself everything would be ok or that soon I’ll feel better, but listening to the pain I was feeling and accepting that. Life hurts. 

But the most awesome thing is that no matter how much I feel forgotten and alone I know that isn’t true. I’m patiently waiting for what’s next. Making space for the new by letting go of all the old stuff taking up room; no matter how painful that feels. 

I guess this means I’ll continue to be patient and wait knowing that something better than I planned is coming into existence. Last time this happened I moved to Italy… so whatever is coming next I bet it’s gonna be SWEET!