let it go: it’s all in the past. everything that hurt you already happened.
I haven’t written in sooo long. All of a sudden life got crazy and I’ve been struggling to find some sort of balance. Between being a mom, work, school, and just life in general, I’ve been overwhelmed!
I have tons of homework and I’m still trying to unpack and make my new apartment feel like home. But I also want to spend time with the people I love and enjoy fall! Is it possible to do it all? I’ve also been really tired, I guess that’s nothing new… but you can’t get stuff done when you always need a nap.
Also just a lot of emotional turmoil about feeling like I have to keep up and compete with what I see people doing on social media has me wiped out. Luckily I know some great people who reached out and reminded me how much progress I’m making and that it can’t be measured by looking at someone else’s path.
Lately I’ve really been missing painting and writing, but I just haven’t found time. I keep telling myself to take things ones step at a time, but it still feels like I’m not doing enough. And then I’m sad and stressed and feel like a failure.
But the other day I was reading Mystic Mamma’s October forecast and it all started to make sense. Everything has been so foggy lately. Like I can’t even see the big picture anymore, I’m too caught up in trying to figure out a bunch of tiny details. In the forecast by Lena Stevens she talks a lot about taking inventory and clearing out what is no longer needed to make more room. The phrase that stuck with me the most is quality over quantity.
I’ve been a little obsessed lately with getting rid of stuff. Cleaning out my closet and storage and keeping only what feels good. I’ve been trying to do that with my relationships too. This year I felt stuck in an on/off again relationship. I deeply care about him, but we just weren’t on the same page. I wanted more than he could give me and eventually I settled for what he was comfortable with, just to keep the familiar around. It wasn’t ideal, but it was predictable. It’s hard to walk away when you don’t know what’s next. Like what if nobody else is out there? What if nobody can really love me the way I want to be loved?
I realized that unless I keep trying to find it, I will never have the chance to experience it. A part of me knows that if you can dream it, you can create it. I’ve been doing my best to see more and more clearly what I want and drawing it to me. It’s so hard to not go back to something comfortable instead of taking a risk. Opening your heart and being vulnerable is way uncomfortable but I really believe the only way to receive the love I’m searching for.
Also in friendships too. It takes balls to tell the people closest to us how we feel at times. We don’t want to rock the boat. And it seems easier to try to deal with it on our own then tell someone how they might have unintentionally hurt us. But I’ve been trying my big girl pants on and being as honest as I can. It’s scary! But it also is the only way to heal what hurts.
So I guess the main reason I’ve been m.i.a. is that I’ve been processing so much! And trying to find a way to show up for everything I value in a meaningful way.
Oh man, I didn’t even talk about my trip to the south yet. That will be another post for sure. That stirred up a lot of old wounds and I haven’t had the strength to dive in on that yet. But once I make some room I’ll be ready to tackle it.
Hope you all are being gentle with yourself though all of this work. I have to remind myself every day how much I am loved and supported and that just because things are crazy right now doesn’t mean anything went wrong. I’m just creating more space to be my true self and live a life full of quality over quantity. 💜
photo: Kathryn Burns
for: LOOM Curated
Kaela Rawson, Tess Comrie, Ginny Au