isolation: my favorite unhealthy coping mechanism

I’ve been struggling a lot with isolation lately and realized that it ties into three other issues I’m working through currently: attachment, self punishment, and suicide. I know all of these are heavy topics, but I hope by speaking openly and honestly about them we can begin to heal these wounds.

Anyways, I hope this video finds anyone who is searching for a little extra love… you are not alone πŸ’œ

https://youtu.be/szpS2C7ukys

only the lonely

How often do you feel completely and totally alone? For me, it comes in waves, but mostly all the time I feel lonely. And loneliness is weird, because for me, it’s an intense craving to share the beauty of life with someone I care about deeply who feels the same way for me. Someone who feels like home in this strange world. The thing is; I just don’t feel completely at home here, I’m always homesick for a place I vaguely remember that was full of endless love and comfort. Maybe that was just my mom’s uterus lol.

But loneliness is a hard thing to live with. And I hate all those people that say it’s because you don’t love yourself enough. I love myself so much! The problem is I have too much love. I’m overflowing with love and need somewhere else to put all of it. My heart simply can’t contain it.

Something I’ve been understanding about myself better and better lately is just how deep I can love. My heart goes down to infinity, and inside of it I find every single facet of life. That’s why I’m always crying, because I’m in love with everything. But this world is transient and the things I love leave or die. That’s never something I get better at. Every loss feels just as fresh right now as when it first broke my heart. I have been learning to appreciate the beauty of death, and endings as new beginnings though… so much new can grow from the old. If we let it.

The hardest part about having all of this love, is that most people don’t understand. They think I’m crazy when I’m like, “Hey. I know we just met, but I love you.” Especially the guys I date. But it seems like with romance they all want a brief taste, until they realize that it’s just too much and too real. They can’t match my consistency and longevity. That always hurts. But I also think men really need to grow up and be real men, not little boys who are scared to share their heart or their life because they are so focused on themselves. Why live a life and not share it with as many people as you can, loving them all so deeply that there isn’t anything left? It seems like a real waste to me.

The first man that taught me that he couldn’t love me and I wasn’t good enough was my father. He left before I was even born and didn’t seem to care at all about the deep scars that left me. When I was little, all I wanted was a dad. Dads were so cool and so fun! But mine didn’t want me. So when I started dating, I unconsciously chose men that I knew would always leave and weren’t emotionally available. I thought that was what love was: a man that wanted to have sex with you and then throw you away when he found someone else, but only after teasing you with tastes of true intimacy. Those would always be downplayed until you were convinced that you had imagined how that one time he was so sweet to you and treated you so well.

I’ve been doing that for a long time. Giving my love to men who can’t handle it and probably don’t deserve it. And I would like to say that I’ve stopped, I keep thinking I have, that this guy is different… but he never is. I never realize until after my heart has been broken that he was just like all of the others. But I can’t stop loving. That’s what I was made to do. A fish couldn’t stop swimming even if you told it to, it would die. And I would die without loving.

So my question lately has been: Is love ever going to be real for me? Does a man even exist who could return my love and stick around for a while? A man who wants to build a life with me? Maybe that’s just not my path.. no matter how much I want to be married and live a simple, ordinarily beautiful life. Maybe I didn’t come here to do that. I’m having a really hard time accepting that though. But it also feels like it’s totally happening to me. Like I said before, I’ve never been lucky in love. Maybe I should just get a dog or something…

Being sensitive is a full time job. Crying at every sad song on the radio. Crying because you saw a tiny puppy doing it’s wiggly walk across the street. Crying because you feel like a freak because you’re always crying. One day, I want to be able to say that I’ve finally learned how to use my sensitivity as a strength. Believe me, it takes a lot of strength to keep my heart open and let every thing touch me, instead of shutting down and closing everything out. There is so much suffering in the world. And I am acutely aware of all of it.

I guess that’s my challenge: living each day with an open heart, knowing that it will continue to get broken, but still loving anyways.

i’m a mess

With so many things not going the way I envisioned lately, the easiest and least painful way to deal, has been escape. And I didn’t even realize that I was majorly avoiding my feelings or the reality I’m living in. I thought I was just rising above it, and not letting it get me down.

Not allowing myself to fully feel into everything that’s been happening, it’s no wonder I’m starting to crack. I’ve been emotionally disassociating… and that’s never a good thing. Because now that reality has hit, it hurts a million times worse.

These breakdowns are the times when I start to wonder if I’m crazy – again.

There has been too much going on in my life lately from relationship issues to childhood wounds to recent emotional wounds that I thought were healed – all being ripped open again. It’s just been too much to process, so I pretended that I was fine. That I didn’t need to feel all of those things. That I could just intellectualize them and I would be fine.

But I’m not.

Stupid periods dragging up all your hidden traumas and shoving them in your face when you’re the most vulnerable. And I know this isn’t what people want to hear, but it’s the truth.

Life is fucking hard sometimes. (Especially when you avoid your feelings, and then your period starts during the last week of mercury retrograde.)

Sometimes your relationships with people you thought were friends go up in flames, leaving you wondering how you didn’t see that in them before. Where were those red flag you missed? How could people you trusted with so much turn so easily on a dime and become just like everyone they pretended not to be?

Other times your most painful childhood wounds rear their ugly head and turn you into that helpless little girl who had no help in dealing with her hurt feelings, so she stuffed them deep inside. So you find yourself fighting those “daddy issues” over and over again, wondering not if, but when, this man will abandon and crush you with the withdrawal of his love.

There are also times when you jump off the cliff to follow your dreams and you look around in dismay as things seems to be going nowhere. You put your whole heart and soul out into the world and nobody seems to notice at all. People hating it would at least be a reaction, but you don’t even get that recognition. You wonder why you feel so called to do work and create art that nobody ever seems to care about.

And then there are times when you pray and pray for love, and then it’s comes, and you full on freak out, because you totally forgot that loving means vulnerability. And you’re so busy pretending to not be vulnerable that it completely catches you off guard. You totally embarrass yourself and cry and look like a complete fool all in less than a 12 hour period. Guess there won’t be a second date after all lol.

But the best times are when all of these things happen at once! jk. Well, I guess it’s kind of nice to finally stop holding everything in and feel the full force of pain I’ve been so carefully avoiding. Here come the random crying fits in Whole Foods and all day accidental naps.

Sleep is my number favorite escape, because in my dreams I don’t feel alone and like the only person experiencing these deep, unexplainable emotions. In my dreams I’m not crazy or overdramatic or too emotional… I’m just me, and whatever that looks like, is always ok.

One of my biggest struggles is suffering alone in silence. I never feel like I can reach out or ask for help, I hate being an emotional burden to someone else. That’s a lot to ask! But then I get in too deep and by that time I’m drowning so far down in the darkness that I can’t remember how I got there.

So these are the times I usually revert to my tried and true coping mechanisms… besides sleeping I start drinking too much, listening to sad songs and watching sad movies, withdrawing from everything in my outer life, and when it gets too bad I just stop doing everything. It all sounds really selfish, but it’s the only way I know how to cope.

Today I was determined to not lose this battle again, so I randomly started looking for a good, inspirational article to jerk me out of this emotional mess. And what do you know! The universe knew just what I needed to hear.

The best was this article about Pisces from Nylon. It reminded me that it’s ok I feel all of these things. That’s just how I am. It’s not good or bad. That little bit of recognition went a long way in helping me to accept everything I’m feeling right now.

Some other things I really enjoyed were the video I posted earlier by The School of Life talking about the benefits of breakdowns. And this article about opening up and loving bravely by Thought Catalog.

I wouldn’t say I’m back to 100% yet, but I definitely feel about better then I did after taking a two hour depression nap this morning πŸ™‚

sensitive saturday

I feel like I’m about to burst into tears at work and I’m not even sure why.

I feel sad and alone and like I’m missing someone. I don’t even know who. Can you miss someone you’ve never met? I feel frustrated and tired.

Then I read my horoscope and it said “today you might fall in love.” Today! I’m not sure if I’m ready for that today. I feel like a mess. Can he love me when I’m a mess. I guess that’s when I want to be loved the most. Can someone really do that? And do they want to? Love me through all of my shit? When I don’t even know why I’m sad/upset?

I’m upset too because I wish I could just cry and not have to stop myself all the time because I’m in public and that’s weird and don’t want to make people uncomfortable. I think I’ve been holding so much in that it’s starting to come out whenever and however it wants. Just breaking through! I wish it was normal to show emotion and get community support. Suffering alone in silence is so much harder.

the day of Love

Can you really have it all in love? Someone who is your best friend, committed to building a great relationship, and gives it you to you just how you want it? I’m not sure… Well, I really want to believe it’s true, but that seems impossible to find! I usually find one or two of those things, but not all three in one. It’s like I keep finding every triangular love pattern, but the one I really want: consummate love.

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Is it settling to be in a relationship without all the sides? Companionate love has been looking realllll nice lately. Why have all the drama and heartache that comes with passion when you can go straight to being best friends forever? Who needs sex anyways?

Ok ok, finding commitment, intimacy, and passion in one guy is the dream! But it already happened once… so could I really find it again? Or was that my only chance? Also, am I even ready to really open myself up like that again? The more I think about it, the more I realize I keep finding unavailable men because I’m scared to open up like that again. Heartbreak is so hard to get over. It took me 5 years! And I don’t think it will ever stop hurting or fully heal. Every time I hear Bruno Mars I’m crying like an idiot in Whole Foods again.

So how can I open up and love someone and be vulnerable when I’m still so hurt from the last time? I know it’s stupid, but a part of me keeps hoping that one day he’ll come back. I don’t want to be in that relationship again though. But could I really find something better? Does that exist? How could someone make me feel more safe and understood and talented and loved and special and beautiful and wanted than he did? I mean, we moved to Italy! The bar is set pretty freaking high.

Wasting time on Instagram the other day I came across some really insightful questions by Devany Amber Wolfe (@serpentfire) about love. She was essentially saying that if you’re wondering or asking for advice on whether they are the one or not.. they probably aren’t. But anyways, here are the awesome questions she suggested if you aren’t feeling sure.

  • Do you share values?
  • Do you communicate effectively?
  • Do you feel emotionally safe with them when things get heated?
  • Do you trust them?
  • Are you truly yourself with them?
  • Are they kind?

After reading those I’m like oh my gosh.. will I ever even be ready to do all of those things with someone? I’ve gotten comfortable again the past little while with being alone. I love sleeping diagonally in my bed and having the freedom to make decisions only based on what I want… like maybe spontaneously moving to another country. But are those things worth more than what a healthy relationship gives you? The truth is.. I don’t know! For me, right now, they are. But I’m sure if the man of my dreams came along and swept me off my feet my answers would be totally different.

For now I’m going to keep enjoying my own company, and if Cupid does end up finding me, I’ll take the plunge into that terrifying and amazing experience again. No matter how much it hurt, I would definitely do it over as many chances as I get. Love is my favorite drug.