falling back in love with me

Eclipse season was rough for me. So much old stuff came up that I didn’t feel strong enough to deal with… again.

But, despite feeling incapable somehow I made it through. I’m still here! I felt into my deepest wounds – boy they are infinite – and, amazingly, I found peace there. Somewhere in the depths all the hurt turned into calm. Weird right?

During that whole time I was feeling especially down on myself. Completely unlovable. Just a hideous mess. If I couldn’t love that, for sure nobody else could.

I always laugh at myself, because suddenly it always turns around. And I remember all the strength and tools I have. The choice to simply change my mind about what’s going on.

When I feel like I can’t go on anymore, like I’m literally going to die, something clicks… and I remember that life is like a spiral. The same stuff, just from different viewpoints.

This piece by Portia Nelson perfectly tells the story.

I

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk

I fall in.

I am lost…

I am hopeless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I’m in the same place.

But it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in…it’s a habit

My eyes are open; I know where I am;

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Even though it feels like I’ve been stuck forever, I realized that this time it only took a few weeks to get out of the hole. Before that would take me months… or even years.

One day I woke up and it was all gone. The fear, self loathing, all that negative mess holding me in silent suffering. The clouds in my mind were gone. And I remembered how incredible I am. And I’m not saying this is some overly confident way, but incredible just like you! Because I’m here, alive, another day. My mind was wrong about death. About not being enough.

I started to see myself in a more accurate way. Yes, I’m highly flawed (who isn’t?) but that doesn’t mean I can’t love myself or that nobody will ever love me. People do love me! And I love me!

Even though it’s been really hard I haven’t given up yet. I still believe that all my dreams are possible. They’re coming true. I’ve been focusing a lot on what I’m creating instead of what I’ve seen in the past.

Building a whole new world takes work. And a lot has to go to make room for it all. That’s a really hard part for me, letting go. Even if they are things I don’t necessary want just because they are comfortable. But that’s all part of the process.

Now, every morning I wake up excited to be me. Excited to see what I’ll get to do today. Excited to love myself and everyone around me. Being excited about Love instead of afraid is probably the most powerful change I’m making.

I won’t let the past stop me from believing that love is coming my way. And it’s already here! I feel lucky that I’ve had time to get ready and learn better how to love.

I’ve ruined a lot of relationships by not truly being committed to loving. But I think I’m ready now. I’m at least ready to try! So I’m building a circle of love with family, friends, and hopefully soon Him.

how to receive love ?

Last night I listened to Blood Orange’s new album, Negro Swan which is uhhhmazing btw, and there was this song called Hope that perfectly expressed what I’ve been feeling lately.

Puff Daddy says “Sometimes I ask myself, like you know, what is it going to take for me to not be afraid to be loved the way, like, I really wanna be loved? I know how I really wanna be loved but I’m like scared to really really feel that. You know it’s like you want something. But you don’t know if you can handle it.”

That’s exactly the place I’m at. I can totally envision and feel this great love that I deeply desire, but I’m scared I won’t find it or can’t handle it… or worst of all don’t deserve it.

So instead I choose to play it safe. Opening myself up that deep again terrifies me.

And then the other question is: will it ever come if I can’t 100% believe in it? Like how can I create something I’m scared to believe is possible? And will I ever feel worthy and ready?

“Maybe one day I’ll get over my fears and I’ll receive.”

i am not my story

This week was so long. Time always slows down when I’m depressed. And it takes me forever to realize that I’m depressed and not just a mess of a human being.

Instead of fighting the depression, my strategy lately has been to just let it be. Watch it and try to figure out what it’s here to tell me. Which can be extremely painful while I’m beating myself up for not being a functional member of society and binge watching the worst shows on Hulu.

I was sick this week too, which made it harder to snap out of it and convince myself I was feeling fine. So I cuddled up and watched way too many shows and didn’t even open the blinds.

But yesterday I decided I had to do something else, so I finished the last chapter of The Path to Love by Deepak Chopra. Of course, it was amazing, and totally made me cry. It’s the worst reading about love when you feel absolutely unlovable, but that’s probably when you need it the most.

So I was reading and then one of the lines stuck out: “The love you seek is seeking you at this moment.” I had forgotten all about my quest for love and wholeness. The spark came on again and I realized what this latest episode of feeling alone and unwanted was trying to teach me.

I am not my story.

Even though all of these things had been happening to me, they weren’t me. They were all here to teach me how much bigger and wider and timeless I am than all of this. Once again I had gotten too caught up in the role I’m here to play and began to take everything way too seriously.

I love those moments when it totally clicks. You can see the aha like a flash of light to jerk your back into being. Into the present. Because that’s where all the magic is.

Now that I’m feeling more like myself again I’m ready to enjoy my favorite day of the week: Self Care Sunday!

don’t waste my time

If you aren’t ready to jump in the deep end with me, don’t waste my time.

I’m constantly shedding old ways of being to make room for the new. I’m going all in this lifetime!

So before you approach me, check in with your intentions. Do you know what they are? Not knowing is the surest way to create chaos in your life, and the lives of others.

When you can see what you want crystal clear, and if that is me, not some version of who you think I should be… hit me up!

I’m ready for some real lovin’. That soul awakening, music making, walking on the air kinda love.

I know things will never be perfect – how boring would that be anyway – but if you’re willing to put in the work, I am too.

What do you think we could create? What beautiful things can we bring into this world? Where can we transform the dull and dreary to gold?

Everywhere baby!!

Just let me know when you’re ready and I’ll be by your side.

photo by Kathryn Burns for LOOM

never settle

After a day of adventure we were hangry. I had been trying to avoid going there at all costs, I hoped maybe he wouldn’t be working… but he was. Yikes.

I was nervous and kinda weird, but he was way nice to me and my family. My mom was all excited because she told me she had a ‘feeling’ about him when I first told her I met him. Her actually liking the guy I like is a miracle.

I was sad after we left because things between us hadn’t worked out how I wanted, and somewhere inside I still hoped we could end up together. I wanted my mom to be right (I think this is like the only time that happened lol).

Seeing him just made the whole situation seem more lonely to me. I could never tell him all the things I wanted to, there was too much! That’s the worst kind of regret.

But then I realized – fuck that! I’m done wanting people who don’t want me. I’m done with men who think they want me, but are only interested in my looks and don’t stop to ask how I feel about anything. And men who want to be 1/2 in 1/2 out. Just because we want the same prefab house… that isn’t love.

I’m fucking dope, and until I find the man who sees that, and who I think is equally dope, I’m cool with staying single.

No more unrequited love. No more doing girlfriend things for guys who can’t commit to having a girlfriend. I know what I’m worth and they aren’t willing to pay the price: commitment, communication, and holding each other down 100%.

I’m the queen of giving people so many chances and convincing myself that I can see how good they are under all the mess, if only they could see it too! But, the thing is… no matter how true that might be, if they aren’t willing to live that, then it doesn’t matter. Love is about action that is happening right now. Not some possibility in the future of them finally deciding to be who you want them to. And that’s not fair anyway, asking someone to be something just for you.

How did it take me a lifetime to learn this? And I’m sure I’ll forget and have to learn it over again. The lesson repeats as needed, right? lol

photo by Heather Nan for Soil and Stem

isolation: my favorite unhealthy coping mechanism

I’ve been struggling a lot with isolation lately and realized that it ties into three other issues I’m working through currently: attachment, self punishment, and suicide. I know all of these are heavy topics, but I hope by speaking openly and honestly about them we can begin to heal these wounds.

Anyways, I hope this video finds anyone who is searching for a little extra love… you are not alone πŸ’œ

https://youtu.be/szpS2C7ukys

only the lonely

How often do you feel completely and totally alone? For me, it comes in waves, but mostly all the time I feel lonely. And loneliness is weird, because for me, it’s an intense craving to share the beauty of life with someone I care about deeply who feels the same way for me. Someone who feels like home in this strange world. The thing is; I just don’t feel completely at home here, I’m always homesick for a place I vaguely remember that was full of endless love and comfort. Maybe that was just my mom’s uterus lol.

But loneliness is a hard thing to live with. And I hate all those people that say it’s because you don’t love yourself enough. I love myself so much! The problem is I have too much love. I’m overflowing with love and need somewhere else to put all of it. My heart simply can’t contain it.

Something I’ve been understanding about myself better and better lately is just how deep I can love. My heart goes down to infinity, and inside of it I find every single facet of life. That’s why I’m always crying, because I’m in love with everything. But this world is transient and the things I love leave or die. That’s never something I get better at. Every loss feels just as fresh right now as when it first broke my heart. I have been learning to appreciate the beauty of death, and endings as new beginnings though… so much new can grow from the old. If we let it.

The hardest part about having all of this love, is that most people don’t understand. They think I’m crazy when I’m like, “Hey. I know we just met, but I love you.” Especially the guys I date. But it seems like with romance they all want a brief taste, until they realize that it’s just too much and too real. They can’t match my consistency and longevity. That always hurts. But I also think men really need to grow up and be real men, not little boys who are scared to share their heart or their life because they are so focused on themselves. Why live a life and not share it with as many people as you can, loving them all so deeply that there isn’t anything left? It seems like a real waste to me.

The first man that taught me that he couldn’t love me and I wasn’t good enough was my father. He left before I was even born and didn’t seem to care at all about the deep scars that left me. When I was little, all I wanted was a dad. Dads were so cool and so fun! But mine didn’t want me. So when I started dating, I unconsciously chose men that I knew would always leave and weren’t emotionally available. I thought that was what love was: a man that wanted to have sex with you and then throw you away when he found someone else, but only after teasing you with tastes of true intimacy. Those would always be downplayed until you were convinced that you had imagined how that one time he was so sweet to you and treated you so well.

I’ve been doing that for a long time. Giving my love to men who can’t handle it and probably don’t deserve it. And I would like to say that I’ve stopped, I keep thinking I have, that this guy is different… but he never is. I never realize until after my heart has been broken that he was just like all of the others. But I can’t stop loving. That’s what I was made to do. A fish couldn’t stop swimming even if you told it to, it would die. And I would die without loving.

So my question lately has been: Is love ever going to be real for me? Does a man even exist who could return my love and stick around for a while? A man who wants to build a life with me? Maybe that’s just not my path.. no matter how much I want to be married and live a simple, ordinarily beautiful life. Maybe I didn’t come here to do that. I’m having a really hard time accepting that though. But it also feels like it’s totally happening to me. Like I said before, I’ve never been lucky in love. Maybe I should just get a dog or something…

Being sensitive is a full time job. Crying at every sad song on the radio. Crying because you saw a tiny puppy doing it’s wiggly walk across the street. Crying because you feel like a freak because you’re always crying. One day, I want to be able to say that I’ve finally learned how to use my sensitivity as a strength. Believe me, it takes a lot of strength to keep my heart open and let every thing touch me, instead of shutting down and closing everything out. There is so much suffering in the world. And I am acutely aware of all of it.

I guess that’s my challenge: living each day with an open heart, knowing that it will continue to get broken, but still loving anyways.