the day of Love

Can you really have it all in love? Someone who is your best friend, committed to building a great relationship, and gives it you to you just how you want it? I’m not sure… Well, I really want to believe it’s true, but that seems impossible to find! I usually find one or two of those things, but not all three in one. It’s like I keep finding every triangular love pattern, but the one I really want: consummate love.


Is it settling to be in a relationship without all the sides? Companionate love has been looking realllll nice lately. Why have all the drama and heartache that comes with passion when you can go straight to being best friends forever? Who needs sex anyways?

Ok ok, finding commitment, intimacy, and passion in one guy is the dream! But it already happened once… so could I really find it again? Or was that my only chance? Also, am I even ready to really open myself up like that again? The more I think about it, the more I realize I keep finding unavailable men because I’m scared to open up like that again. Heartbreak is so hard to get over. It took me 5 years! And I don’t think it will ever stop hurting or fully heal. Every time I hear Bruno Mars I’m crying like an idiot in Whole Foods again.

So how can I open up and love someone and be vulnerable when I’m still so hurt from the last time? I know it’s stupid, but a part of me keeps hoping that one day he’ll come back. I don’t want to be in that relationship again though. But could I really find something better? Does that exist? How could someone make me feel more safe and understood and talented and loved and special and beautiful and wanted than he did? I mean, we moved to Italy! The bar is set pretty freaking high.

Wasting time on Instagram the other day I came across some really insightful questions by Devany Amber Wolfe (@serpentfire) about love. She was essentially saying that if you’re wondering or asking for advice on whether they are the one or not.. they probably aren’t. But anyways, here are the awesome questions she suggested if you aren’t feeling sure.

  • Do you share values?
  • Do you communicate effectively?
  • Do you feel emotionally safe with them when things get heated?
  • Do you trust them?
  • Are you truly yourself with them?
  • Are they kind?

After reading those I’m like oh my gosh.. will I ever even be ready to do all of those things with someone? I’ve gotten comfortable again the past little while with being alone. I love sleeping diagonally in my bed and having the freedom to make decisions only based on what I want… like maybe spontaneously moving to another country. But are those things worth more than what a healthy relationship gives you? The truth is.. I don’t know! For me, right now, they are. But I’m sure if the man of my dreams came along and swept me off my feet my answers would be totally different.

For now I’m going to keep enjoying my own company, and if Cupid does end up finding me, I’ll take the plunge into that terrifying and amazing experience again. No matter how much it hurt, I would definitely do it over as many chances as I get. Love is my favorite drug.

abandon me

“You can’t rush your healing, Darkness has its teachings.” – Trevor Hall

I thought that this year I wouldn’t put energy into pursuing men or relationships that I knew weren’t worth it. I thought that I finally had enough love inside of me, that I wouldn’t try to look for it outside anymore. But I’ve been feeling really out of touch lately, disconnected and stuck in this weird grey area… am I depressed? Am I lonely? Am I sick?

I don’t know what it is, but I have been all in my feels and super sensitive. So the other day when I was walking back to my car during Sundance and a nice man with a lovely smile stopped me and said he would love to get my number and see me later, it felt like the perfect solution to my feeling of invisibility… like the world had forgotten me, maybe I even forget myself too, but he reminded me that I was there and he could see me.

So we tried to make plans for a few days, but our schedules never quite matched and I found myself trying to rearrange things only to see him (which I should’ve noticed right away as a red flag), but I told myself it was ok to be accommodating because he was so nice, and from out of town, and who knew when I would see him again.

Anyways, I got off work early one night and we were finally going to hang out. Before I left to meet him I was having such a good time; feeling like myself, telling jokes, and connecting again to who I am and enjoying that. Once I saw him though, that immediately changed. All those old beliefs of not being good enough, having to change myself to make someone comfortable, feeling small and unseen… all of that came back full force and I retreated once again inside myself.

It wasn’t that he was rude to me or anything, but I just didn’t feel included. He didn’t ask about me or seem that interested in getting to know me further. I should’ve left, but I stayed. I don’t even know why. And then I ended up going home with him and made the mistake I always did before. Sleeping with someone for validation and to hopefully find some spark of connection to remind you that you’re alive and matter… but OF COURSE that never works. So I ended up feeling more empty and alone than I had all week.

I haven’t done that in a while, and really thought that I was past looking for validation and love in all the wrong places.. but old habits die hard. I guess it’s the classic abandonment issues thing: dad leaves and so you search for validation from men who you know can AND never will love you, then sleep with them because somewhere you learned that is how you make a man love you, they leave anyway and then you’re wondering why all the men you love ever leave you, so you tell yourself that of course it’s your fault nobody ever stays, you are unloveable (always have been & always will be), and then your unworthiness is confirmed and the cycle starts over again, each time making you feel a little more desperate/broken/alone.

It takes a lot of conscious effort to not fall back into old patterns of behavior, and I think between stress and lack of sleep lately my subconscious has been ruling me more than I realized. I haven’t been showing up for life and making decisions based upon the new agreements I have made with myself. I slipped back into autopilot. Depression will do that to ya! Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) my Darkness is back to remind me of the lessons I’m still learning and how vigilant I have to be in order to continue growing and living my best life.

Some wounds may never heal completely, they are too deep and ancient, but I will practice approaching love from a place of compassion and self confidence until that becomes my go to. I’m in it to win it in the fight for love!

i’m in love

…with myself!

This time I’m crying in the library instead of Whole Foods, but they are the happiest tears I’ve ever felt. Yesterday I had another Raven vision of my life, and all the drama that’s happening, and I was like omg… it doesn’t matter! And none of it can take away from how fucking awesome I am!!

No matter what other people may say, positive or negative, I love myself. I love who I am. I love my journey. I love everything about me.

A few weeks ago I wrote about how I can feel the magic in the air this year and that 2018 is the year of love, but sitting here, I realized that while I would absolutely LOVE to meet someone to share my life with… I’m already in love, with ME! So finding someone else is going to be icing on the cake.

We are each all so much more powerful and resilient than we acknowledge or give ourselves credit for. We’ve all made it through some shit! And when we can finally take a step back and give ourselves credit for all of our hard work, that’s when we can really step into our power.

Our power lies in our connection to every single other person. None of us are alone, no matter how lonely and isolated we feel. Even when we feel like we have been taken so low that we’ll never be able to get up… remember, my love, that you have the strength to overcome anything.

And maybe the trick lies in being present. Not judging anything as good or bad, but marveling that we are able to have the experience at all. The darkest times of my life have taught me to appreciate every. single. breath.

One day we won’t be here anymore. We won’t be able to feel the rush of breath in our chest, the touch of someone we cherish, or even the pain of being human. And to me, that is the most profound reason I’ve found to enjoy life. Beause even when things feel fixed and like they will never change or get better… they always do. NOTHING is forever.

So I’m recommitting to enjoying every last moment I have. Being in love with myself, with my life, with everyone around me. Because I don’t know how I lucked out to be born on this beautiful world (I mean statically what are the chances?!) and live the life that I am here to live, but I plan on living it to the fullest!

Conquering all of my fears. Jumping off every cliff of uncertainty I can find. Until one day it’s time to step through the doorway into whatever is in store for me next.

We are all in this together, so let’s create a world of LOVE 🙂

the year of love đź’ś

A few weeks ago I woke up after a late night out, walked into the bathroom, and when I looked up I was shocked to see the most beautiful girl in the world staring back at me. And not beautiful in just the traditional ways, but beautiful because I could see her soul in all its glory radiating from every cell in her body. I had never seen myself like that before… at least not for a really long time.

In that moment I fell totally in love with myself. And a really sweet line I had heard a few days earlier popped into my mind: “He doesn’t see me as incomplete, he sees me as I am.” I was the “he” seeing myself in all my perfect imperfectness and being totally and completely in love with what I saw looking back at me.

That was the best morning of my life.

But then life started again and I got caught up in all the muck… that feeling of unconditional love and self compassion I had felt slowly faded into the background. I started talking down to myself again and getting sucked into all those bad old habits I had been trying so long to break free of. The ensuing depression got worse and worse until New Year’s Eve, by then I was so consumed that I didn’t want to get out of bed.

Thankfully, my friends forced me to get up and shower and told me we were going to hit the town! It was the last thing in the world I wanted to do, but after I showered and ate a bowl of oatmeal I felt that lovely feeling starting to creep through me again.

I put on a gold shirt I got way cheap at Savers as a dress, gold hoops, and lots of gold glitter under my eyes and started to notice  how beautiful I was becoming again. I remembered to laugh and felt myself warming up after being stuck in that cold depression the past few weeks. I caught myself dancing and went out with my friends for a New Year’s Eve I’ll never forget.

The next day I woke up and when I saw myself in the mirror I recognized all that radiant beauty again. I was glowing! It’s not a feeling that I will ever be able to fully describe, but I could literally feel love flowing through every vein of my body. I had connected again, and unknowingly, to an eternal source of love… a source that came from somewhere deep inside myself.

I thought about making a list of intentions for this year, but I realized that if I could tap into the love and live through it, what I wrote on paper wouldn’t matter because everything I was seeking I found inside that love. Now I know what people mean when they say that once you love yourself, you can love somebody else.

There’s so much love that it’s almost overwhelming, I need to share it with someone, and everyone I meet gets a taste. For a long time I didn’t think I could ever give myself over to love again, but I realized that I’m finally ready. And I’m ready because the love I have to give is unconditional. The love doesn’t seek anything in return, it only wants to give and I think that’s what true love is.

So Universe or God or whatever you want to call it: I’m ready for LOVE. I devote myself completely to love. To living in the present moment filled with more love than I’ll ever know what to do with. Allowing myself to be open and vulnerable in sharing that love with others. 2018 is the Year of Love.

“always do your best”

Watching Black Mirror makes me scared for the future. I don’t want to believe that people will continue to be cruel, selfish, and divisive forever.

I want to believe that in the future we can finally find peace. That people will be unified and in harmony with nature.

Is that naive of me?

I’m so tired of tearing people down and them doing the same to me. If we’re all doing our best, why do we have to make it so much harder on each other?

What would the world look like if we focused on building each other up instead? I know that it’s contagious and so hard to not get sucked into all the bullshit… but we have to at least try!

crying in whole foods

I’m back at it! Tearing up in my favorite place of overpriced bougie food items lol.

I’ve been thinking a lot today about why I’m attracted to the type of person I am… and I realized it’s because each of them reminds me, in some way, of my ex. I guess I’ve always had pretty specific taste, but he kinda solidified it for me. Falling in love with him was the fulfillment of every romantic dream I’ve ever had.

We lived in Italy, had similar aesthetic tastes, and a clear vision for how we were going to live in harmony with our biggest dreams for the future. It was incredible, and completely changed my life. The breakup was also the hardest thing I’ve ever made it through. Which is a good reminder that things right now are WAY better than I’ve given them credit for. It took me almost 5 years to get over him (but who’s counting?) and I cried so much, I for sure thought I was going to run out of tears.

Anyway, while I was thinking about this I realized that because I have such a strong attachment to that past relationship, maybe I haven’t been seeing people as they really are… and then being disappointed when they can’t live up to the image I’ve created of them. I’ve been trying so hard to recreate and relive the past that I’ve missed what’s right in front of me.

I don’t think the basic things I’m attracted to in a partner will ever change, but I’m definitely going to stop living in the past. Even though that Love was amazing I think I’m finally ready to move forward and see what new things the future holds for me.

I’m ready for my winter boo!

If you’re interested in what your Venus placements can tell you about who catches your eye and why, check out the info below by neptuniangoddess:

Venus in the Signs:

Who you’ll fall for, how, and why, based on your Venus sign.

– You are more likely to fall for someone if their Sun or AC is your Venus Sign.

• Venus in Aries: You’ll fall for someone who is wild, passionate, competitive, reckless, and firery. The Jock or the Bad Boy. You’ll be struck by love the way trees get struck by lightening. You’ll love the way he’s always so passionate and out there. He’ll drag you out of bed in the middle of the night to do something. To go on an adventure.

• Venus in Taurus: You’ll fall for someone who is stable, protective, reliable, mature, and romantic. The classical gentleman or marriage-material. You’ll fall for him by feeling love slowly creeping up on you. Slow and steady. Like drinking a hot cup of tea or cocoa. It’ll warm you up from the inside. He’s the type of man who’ll wake you up with a plate of homecooked food.

• Venus in Gemini: You’ll fall for someone who is witty, quick, intelligent, easy to talk to and exciting. The popular guy everyone genuinly loves. You’ll fall for him like a breeze on a warm summer day. You see him as a breath of fresh air in a otherwise polluted enviorment. You’ll love his way of being liked by everyone, and the way he can convince anyone into anything.

• Venus in Cancer: You’ll fall for someone who is sweet, caring, protective, sensitive, fair, and loving. The kind, quiet guy who takes care of everyone. He is well liked and respected. Heals the wounded. You fall for him because he makes your heart go all soft and gooey. He probably makes your knees shiver and tremble too. You love him because when he’s at the top, he gives everyone a hand to come join him.

• Venus in Leo: You’ll fall for someone who is loyal, proud, cocky, elegant, loud, and popular. The popular guy. Or the preppy man. He is an elegant royal. You’ll love his fierceness and protectiveness. He’s a king and you’re his queen. He’s a lion and you’re hin lioness. When you fall for him, it won’t be subtle. He might see a strong and elegant woman in you, and you see a strong and elegant man in him. You fall in love in a playful, and challenging manner. Like two people dancing, slowly getting closer and closer.

• Venus in Virgo: You’ll fall for someone who is practical, intelligent, woke, smart, and clever. You’ll probably fall in love with him by him teaching you new things and helping you. He awakens some kind of inner fascination in you for him. You’ll love his way of spreading knowledge and trust. He is well-respected and he’s the one you go to when in trouble. He is the man of steel.

• Venus in Libra: You’ll fall for someone who is diplomatic, gentle, just, popular, and masculine. You’ll fall for him the way Disney princesses fall for their prince. He’s your Prince Charming. Your knight in shining armour. You’ll love how protective and fair he is. He’ll be the type of guy who brings you flowers and takes you out for dinner, but also calms you down, and helps you solve your problems.

• Venus in Scorpio: You’ll fall for someone who is passionate, mysterious, protective, unique, and powerful. The mysterious man, the bad boy. It will be love at first sight. He’s magnetic, you’ll be pulled towards him. You’ll love how he makes the entire world stop. Time stops. There’s just you two. Frozen in time, like two snow cystals in a snowstorm. His magnetic field to strong and powerful. And you’ll love his air of mystery and excitement.

• Venus in Sagittarius: You’ll fall for someone who is fun, loving, exciting, wise, adventurous, and mature. The foreign professor, the traveller. When you fall for him, it’ll feel like the sun rising over the meadow on a dewy summer morning. Warm, and enlightening. You’ll love the way his mind is like a library and his lust for travelling, learning, and exploring. His mind is like a map, always expanding. You grow together with him. Like the mist in the forest, spreading all over the landscape.

• Venus in Capricorn: You’ll fall for someone who is stable, mature, wise, logical, protective, mysterious, and classy. The man. Like a flower in the ground, blossoming, your love for him wil blossom into a beautiful flower on stable ground. He’ll be your rock. Standing with your back against a tree, the tree wraps around you and almost swallow you up. You’re safe and home. That’s what you feel for him. Deep in a dark, but safe and warm cave.

• Venus in Aquarius: You’ll fall for someone who is unique, original, intelligent, bizarre, spontaneous, and eccentric. The intellect. The rebellious leader. When you meet him you’ll be intrigued and impressed. He’s like a cult leader. You’ll fall in love with his mind and ability to lead an army of justice. You’ll feel powerful with him. And you’ll feel hope for the future, and what has yet to come.

• Venus in Pisces: You’ll fall for someone who is genuine, sweet, intuitive, caring, gentle, wise, and healing. You’ll be pulled in by the mysterious and unique persona, almost like crystal ball, it’s clear. When you fall in love it’s like a starry night. You feel like they open up your mind and awakens your 6th sense. You’ll feel nostalgic with them. Like two children, running through the forest on midsummer’s eve, dreaming of what can be.

friends are the family you choose

I’m so grateful for my friends.

Without them I don’t know how I could’ve made it through 2017. They’ve been there for me, even if it was just as silent support to my unnamed fears.

Laughter has truly been the best medicine. Through all the setbacks, it’s been the crazy interweb jokes and nights we laugh until our cheeks hurt that have kept me going.

Friends have also helped me see the value in myself. It’s been really hard to not let what’s happening to me define who I am. It’s a constant struggle to separate who I am from what I’m feeling and experiencing in my life.

While I definitely believe in the magical healing power of self love, I don’t know if I would have the same level of compassion and love for myself if my friends didn’t remind me that I’m worthy all of that love.

I hope that I can be just as encouraging and nurturing to others as my friends have been to me. Watching their example I’m learning a new way to talk to myself and the people around me. A dialogue filled with softness and forgiveness.