disappearing act

I was just thinking about something… I’m really bad at endings. I can usually sense when something is over, or coming to an end, and know it’s time to move on. I’m the worst at communicating that though. Most of the time I just disappear. I hate having those conversations about why I’m leaving or whatever the thing is that isn’t working out for me anymore. So, instead of being honest about my feelings, I leave and never look back. It comes back to bite me in the ass though.

I don’t know where or how I learned that stealing away like a thief in the night is less painful for both parties than telling them why you have to go. I think part of it is that I hate having to explain why. Because there’s never a good answer. I just know it’s time to go. And they’re never satisfied with that.

Maybe I’m a lot like my Dad in that sense. At my last count he has almost 20 children… and he’s left most of them behind. I don’t know if he told my mom he was leaving or why, but I do know it was when she was only a few months pregnant. I think she said the only thing he ever bought her was a box of tea.

It’s extremely hard not to take someone leaving personally. Of course it had to be something you did (or didn’t do), or maybe said. But the truth is, someone leaving can never be about you. It’s always, entirely, about them. That’s crazy to think about because of all the people and situations I left and then realizing that people leaving me is the same thing. It’s never been about me, always them. And the crazy stories or theories I came up with to cope could never match the probably very simple reasons they left.

Maybe my Dad just didn’t want the responsibility of another child. I mean obviously it couldn’t be personal… I wasn’t even born yet! But it still feels like a very personal betrayal and rejection. Maybe I’ve left so many people so that I wouldn’t be the one getting left behind. Kind of like a preemptive strike thing. Or maybe I had to leave so many people and situations to realize that leaving isn’t a personal thing and to learn to stop taking it so seriously.

Anyways, it’s a pattern I’ve been noticing. One that I’m trying to unravel and transcend. How can I muster up the courage to talk through my reasons without feeling obligated to stay? I don’t know, I guess I have to try it first and see.

Nothing is personal. Everything is just a story we tell ourselves in order to cope with what we perceive as rejection. But how can we be cut off and rejected when we’re all so deeply intertwined?

I went to my special spot on my birthday feeling lonely and let down, so I thought I would go up there for my very own pity party. My expectations weren’t lining up with reality and I was feeling very woe is me. But when I stopped to listen, all I heard around me were reminders that I wasn’t alone. The river gurgling by, the birds singing, the wind in the trees. Everything was alive and living and breathing just like I was.

No matter how hard I may try to cut myself off… the Universe and all of it’s love and support is there to hold me. The greatest lie we’ve come to believe is that we are separate. But we’re all connected. So all of our fears of rejection are pointless.

What we can do better is to allow ourselves the freedom to follow our path. There is a path each one of us must walk alone, and where it leads only we know. It’s our special mission to figure out what we came here to do.

There are cycles of beginnings and endings that we must honor. Trying to force anything will never end up well. So maybe my disappearing act isn’t a failure, but an opening to the possibility of accepting the cycles of change with grace. I love that within every shadow there is light. Within every trial is the seed of success. Life is like a spiral upwards… it’s always the same you’re just being tested on a harder and higher level of understanding. Maybe that’s what Karr meant he said, “plus ça change, plus c’est la meme chose (the more it changes, the more it is the same).”

crying in whole foods

I’m back at it! Tearing up in my favorite place of overpriced bougie food items lol.

I’ve been thinking a lot today about why I’m attracted to the type of person I am… and I realized it’s because each of them reminds me, in some way, of my ex. I guess I’ve always had pretty specific taste, but he kinda solidified it for me. Falling in love with him was the fulfillment of every romantic dream I’ve ever had.

We lived in Italy, had similar aesthetic tastes, and a clear vision for how we were going to live in harmony with our biggest dreams for the future. It was incredible, and completely changed my life. The breakup was also the hardest thing I’ve ever made it through. Which is a good reminder that things right now are WAY better than I’ve given them credit for. It took me almost 5 years to get over him (but who’s counting?) and I cried so much, I for sure thought I was going to run out of tears.

Anyway, while I was thinking about this I realized that because I have such a strong attachment to that past relationship, maybe I haven’t been seeing people as they really are… and then being disappointed when they can’t live up to the image I’ve created of them. I’ve been trying so hard to recreate and relive the past that I’ve missed what’s right in front of me.

I don’t think the basic things I’m attracted to in a partner will ever change, but I’m definitely going to stop living in the past. Even though that Love was amazing I think I’m finally ready to move forward and see what new things the future holds for me.

I’m ready for my winter boo!

If you’re interested in what your Venus placements can tell you about who catches your eye and why, check out the info below by neptuniangoddess:

Venus in the Signs:

Who you’ll fall for, how, and why, based on your Venus sign.

– You are more likely to fall for someone if their Sun or AC is your Venus Sign.

• Venus in Aries: You’ll fall for someone who is wild, passionate, competitive, reckless, and firery. The Jock or the Bad Boy. You’ll be struck by love the way trees get struck by lightening. You’ll love the way he’s always so passionate and out there. He’ll drag you out of bed in the middle of the night to do something. To go on an adventure.

• Venus in Taurus: You’ll fall for someone who is stable, protective, reliable, mature, and romantic. The classical gentleman or marriage-material. You’ll fall for him by feeling love slowly creeping up on you. Slow and steady. Like drinking a hot cup of tea or cocoa. It’ll warm you up from the inside. He’s the type of man who’ll wake you up with a plate of homecooked food.

• Venus in Gemini: You’ll fall for someone who is witty, quick, intelligent, easy to talk to and exciting. The popular guy everyone genuinly loves. You’ll fall for him like a breeze on a warm summer day. You see him as a breath of fresh air in a otherwise polluted enviorment. You’ll love his way of being liked by everyone, and the way he can convince anyone into anything.

• Venus in Cancer: You’ll fall for someone who is sweet, caring, protective, sensitive, fair, and loving. The kind, quiet guy who takes care of everyone. He is well liked and respected. Heals the wounded. You fall for him because he makes your heart go all soft and gooey. He probably makes your knees shiver and tremble too. You love him because when he’s at the top, he gives everyone a hand to come join him.

• Venus in Leo: You’ll fall for someone who is loyal, proud, cocky, elegant, loud, and popular. The popular guy. Or the preppy man. He is an elegant royal. You’ll love his fierceness and protectiveness. He’s a king and you’re his queen. He’s a lion and you’re hin lioness. When you fall for him, it won’t be subtle. He might see a strong and elegant woman in you, and you see a strong and elegant man in him. You fall in love in a playful, and challenging manner. Like two people dancing, slowly getting closer and closer.

• Venus in Virgo: You’ll fall for someone who is practical, intelligent, woke, smart, and clever. You’ll probably fall in love with him by him teaching you new things and helping you. He awakens some kind of inner fascination in you for him. You’ll love his way of spreading knowledge and trust. He is well-respected and he’s the one you go to when in trouble. He is the man of steel.

• Venus in Libra: You’ll fall for someone who is diplomatic, gentle, just, popular, and masculine. You’ll fall for him the way Disney princesses fall for their prince. He’s your Prince Charming. Your knight in shining armour. You’ll love how protective and fair he is. He’ll be the type of guy who brings you flowers and takes you out for dinner, but also calms you down, and helps you solve your problems.

• Venus in Scorpio: You’ll fall for someone who is passionate, mysterious, protective, unique, and powerful. The mysterious man, the bad boy. It will be love at first sight. He’s magnetic, you’ll be pulled towards him. You’ll love how he makes the entire world stop. Time stops. There’s just you two. Frozen in time, like two snow cystals in a snowstorm. His magnetic field to strong and powerful. And you’ll love his air of mystery and excitement.

• Venus in Sagittarius: You’ll fall for someone who is fun, loving, exciting, wise, adventurous, and mature. The foreign professor, the traveller. When you fall for him, it’ll feel like the sun rising over the meadow on a dewy summer morning. Warm, and enlightening. You’ll love the way his mind is like a library and his lust for travelling, learning, and exploring. His mind is like a map, always expanding. You grow together with him. Like the mist in the forest, spreading all over the landscape.

• Venus in Capricorn: You’ll fall for someone who is stable, mature, wise, logical, protective, mysterious, and classy. The man. Like a flower in the ground, blossoming, your love for him wil blossom into a beautiful flower on stable ground. He’ll be your rock. Standing with your back against a tree, the tree wraps around you and almost swallow you up. You’re safe and home. That’s what you feel for him. Deep in a dark, but safe and warm cave.

• Venus in Aquarius: You’ll fall for someone who is unique, original, intelligent, bizarre, spontaneous, and eccentric. The intellect. The rebellious leader. When you meet him you’ll be intrigued and impressed. He’s like a cult leader. You’ll fall in love with his mind and ability to lead an army of justice. You’ll feel powerful with him. And you’ll feel hope for the future, and what has yet to come.

• Venus in Pisces: You’ll fall for someone who is genuine, sweet, intuitive, caring, gentle, wise, and healing. You’ll be pulled in by the mysterious and unique persona, almost like crystal ball, it’s clear. When you fall in love it’s like a starry night. You feel like they open up your mind and awakens your 6th sense. You’ll feel nostalgic with them. Like two children, running through the forest on midsummer’s eve, dreaming of what can be.

moving on 

When I wrote that last blog post about everything that happened with Matt I was pissed. Mostly at myself, because I knew that all the pain I was feeling had been created by my decisions. When I met Matt last year he wasn’t the type of guy I usually date but I decided trying new things might be good because the old way obviously wasn’t working. I didn’t realize how similar he is to the guys I usually date until now…

Looking back there were plenty of times I knew that him and I just wouldn’t work and that I had no interest in actually being with him long term, but the fear of being alone kept me from ever making a clean break. It’s funny that I was so heartbroken over a situation that I created for myself. 

There is a long list of reasons he’s not the one for me but the most important thing I should’ve realized is that by continuing to have a relationship with him I’ve been holding back all the new things trying to come into my life. When one door closes another one opens right? Well, I’ve been standing in the doorway forcing it to stay open. 

But I’m over that. Last month the Universe told me to let go of him and I didn’t listen. Now it’s telling me again and I’m finally getting the message. I’m the most sad that I lost a friend, but I think in the end everything that happened is for the best. It’s time to stop holding on to the past. 

I’m looking forward to what’s next!