back at it

This past week was r o u g h. You know those weeks when everything goes wrong? When it feels like you took 20 steps backward and you’re stuck all the way at the bottom again? That was how I was feeling. I hated everything. I was angry. I was afraid. I wanted to hurt everyone, because I was hurting so bad.

Instead of telling myself to snap out of it, I just sat in all the shit. It was messy and uncomfortable and made me crazy… but then I woke up today and it was gone.

What I’ve been realizing lately is that even if I want to give up, I can’t. Even when I feel like I just can’t do it one more day… somehow the day goes by and I’m still here.

The thing I liked the best about not trying to be “positive” or feel better or change my mood, was that I totally experienced all of it. The dirty depths. And now I’m ready to move on. Too many times, I try to fix everything too quickly, and I think that’s how I end up in the same mess again. I never actually let myself do the work and go through what I need to. I’m trying too hard to find peace and comfort again.

I think we all do that.

Being uncomfortable sucks. But unfortunately, that’s how we grow. And once we choose that path, there is no going back. No matter how much we kick and scream and protest. We can’t unchoose.

So today, I’m choosing again. And my choice is to find peace in what is. To stop blaming myself and condemning myself as a failure. To see my bloss as a work in progress. To remember the power and complexity inside of me. To allow myself to be human.

I hope you can give yourself that blessing too

photo by Russell Alboroto for Loom


Since October 2016 my life has been turned upside down. My lease ended and I’ve been bouncing around from friends to relatives houses and applying for so many apartments I’ve lost count. 

I’ve looked in LA, Salt Lake City, Park City, around the world… anywhere I could think of! And I haven’t gotten approved for a single apartment. It has been the most terrifying and stress inducing time of my life. 

Things seem to go ok for a while, I get a new “normal” going, and then I have to move again. Currently, I’m staying with my Mom. She told me that I only have until September 1 to find a place, and then whether or not I do, I can’t stay with her anymore. 

I somewhat understand (her lease doesn’t allow visitors longer than a certain time period & she doesn’t want to get kicked out if they find out I’ve been staying with her), but at the same time I’m like “damn… if even your mom doesn’t care if you’re for real homeless then why would anyone else?” 

This experience has brought up many questions surrounding a lot of issues; specifically with myself and my place in society but some of the things I can’t stop thinking about are:

Why is housing not a universal right? Everyone deserves adequate and affordable housing, no matter their circumstances. Especially single parents. 

Captialism is fucked. How can I work my ass off and still not have the resources to provide a decent life for myself and my family, especially when there are people who have more money than they know what to do with?

The system is rigged. From credit to housing to employment and wages, our society has intentionally been set up to keep poor people in poverty and rich people getting richer. 

Self worth. Not having the resources or being given the opportunity to improve your circumstances directly ties into how you value yourself as a human being. Why is my value attached to things that are out of my control and really don’t even matter. Life is about so much more than working some bullshit job (if you can even get one) to scrape by and barely survive. It’s fucking 2017!! 

So while going through this and trying to make sense of how I got here and why it seems impossible to get out, I’ve done a lot of soul searching and praying to figure out what the fuck to do. While I haven’t found an answer, I can say that working on what’s inside has been incredible. I’ve developed in ways I couldn’t imagine a few years ago. 

The most important thing I’ve learned through this time is to keep surrendering. Whatever you hold onto life will pry from your grip. I am trying to build something new and better… which I can’t do with all of that old stuff hanging around anyway. Sucks, but I know it’s for the best. 

This meditation really helps when I’m feeling overwhelmed and ready to give up. Anything I’ve ever heard from Sarah Blondin speaks directly to the most knowing parts of myself. I will continue to move forward in faith, letting go of all that weighs me down.