only the lonely

How often do you feel completely and totally alone? For me, it comes in waves, but mostly all the time I feel lonely. And loneliness is weird, because for me, it’s an intense craving to share the beauty of life with someone I care about deeply who feels the same way for me. Someone who feels like home in this strange world. The thing is; I just don’t feel completely at home here, I’m always homesick for a place I vaguely remember that was full of endless love and comfort. Maybe that was just my mom’s uterus lol.

But loneliness is a hard thing to live with. And I hate all those people that say it’s because you don’t love yourself enough. I love myself so much! The problem is I have too much love. I’m overflowing with love and need somewhere else to put all of it. My heart simply can’t contain it.

Something I’ve been understanding about myself better and better lately is just how deep I can love. My heart goes down to infinity, and inside of it I find every single facet of life. That’s why I’m always crying, because I’m in love with everything. But this world is transient and the things I love leave or die. That’s never something I get better at. Every loss feels just as fresh right now as when it first broke my heart. I have been learning to appreciate the beauty of death, and endings as new beginnings though… so much new can grow from the old. If we let it.

The hardest part about having all of this love, is that most people don’t understand. They think I’m crazy when I’m like, “Hey. I know we just met, but I love you.” Especially the guys I date. But it seems like with romance they all want a brief taste, until they realize that it’s just too much and too real. They can’t match my consistency and longevity. That always hurts. But I also think men really need to grow up and be real men, not little boys who are scared to share their heart or their life because they are so focused on themselves. Why live a life and not share it with as many people as you can, loving them all so deeply that there isn’t anything left? It seems like a real waste to me.

The first man that taught me that he couldn’t love me and I wasn’t good enough was my father. He left before I was even born and didn’t seem to care at all about the deep scars that left me. When I was little, all I wanted was a dad. Dads were so cool and so fun! But mine didn’t want me. So when I started dating, I unconsciously chose men that I knew would always leave and weren’t emotionally available. I thought that was what love was: a man that wanted to have sex with you and then throw you away when he found someone else, but only after teasing you with tastes of true intimacy. Those would always be downplayed until you were convinced that you had imagined how that one time he was so sweet to you and treated you so well.

I’ve been doing that for a long time. Giving my love to men who can’t handle it and probably don’t deserve it. And I would like to say that I’ve stopped, I keep thinking I have, that this guy is different… but he never is. I never realize until after my heart has been broken that he was just like all of the others. But I can’t stop loving. That’s what I was made to do. A fish couldn’t stop swimming even if you told it to, it would die. And I would die without loving.

So my question lately has been: Is love ever going to be real for me? Does a man even exist who could return my love and stick around for a while? A man who wants to build a life with me? Maybe that’s just not my path.. no matter how much I want to be married and live a simple, ordinarily beautiful life. Maybe I didn’t come here to do that. I’m having a really hard time accepting that though. But it also feels like it’s totally happening to me. Like I said before, I’ve never been lucky in love. Maybe I should just get a dog or something…

Being sensitive is a full time job. Crying at every sad song on the radio. Crying because you saw a tiny puppy doing it’s wiggly walk across the street. Crying because you feel like a freak because you’re always crying. One day, I want to be able to say that I’ve finally learned how to use my sensitivity as a strength. Believe me, it takes a lot of strength to keep my heart open and let every thing touch me, instead of shutting down and closing everything out. There is so much suffering in the world. And I am acutely aware of all of it.

I guess that’s my challenge: living each day with an open heart, knowing that it will continue to get broken, but still loving anyways.

freeeedom

This morning I woke and remembered who the fuck I am! Magic.

When I stopped focusing on all the things I wanted to change and decided instead to enjoy the time I have, I stepped back into the mysterious magic of the present moment. I’ve said it before, but I don’t know how I got so lucky to be living life as phoebe.

And guess what happened? The sunshine broke through the clouds and blessings came pouring in.

I always forget that lack or abundance are my choice… and no matter what’s happening I can live in the state of abundance that is always here.

Now that finals are over I’m stoked to get my Saturn on and put some order back into life. Most of the time I’m trying to go 90mph, but it feels nice to have structure again and focus on what’s in front of me. Slow and steady wins the race.

Anyways! Just wanted to spread some love and light today into your life because mine is overflowing 🙂 Remember that doing your best is all you can do my love, and that’s always enough đź’ś

crying in whole foods

I’m back at it! Tearing up in my favorite place of overpriced bougie food items lol.

I’ve been thinking a lot today about why I’m attracted to the type of person I am… and I realized it’s because each of them reminds me, in some way, of my ex. I guess I’ve always had pretty specific taste, but he kinda solidified it for me. Falling in love with him was the fulfillment of every romantic dream I’ve ever had.

We lived in Italy, had similar aesthetic tastes, and a clear vision for how we were going to live in harmony with our biggest dreams for the future. It was incredible, and completely changed my life. The breakup was also the hardest thing I’ve ever made it through. Which is a good reminder that things right now are WAY better than I’ve given them credit for. It took me almost 5 years to get over him (but who’s counting?) and I cried so much, I for sure thought I was going to run out of tears.

Anyway, while I was thinking about this I realized that because I have such a strong attachment to that past relationship, maybe I haven’t been seeing people as they really are… and then being disappointed when they can’t live up to the image I’ve created of them. I’ve been trying so hard to recreate and relive the past that I’ve missed what’s right in front of me.

I don’t think the basic things I’m attracted to in a partner will ever change, but I’m definitely going to stop living in the past. Even though that Love was amazing I think I’m finally ready to move forward and see what new things the future holds for me.

I’m ready for my winter boo!

If you’re interested in what your Venus placements can tell you about who catches your eye and why, check out the info below by neptuniangoddess:

Venus in the Signs:

Who you’ll fall for, how, and why, based on your Venus sign.

– You are more likely to fall for someone if their Sun or AC is your Venus Sign.

• Venus in Aries: You’ll fall for someone who is wild, passionate, competitive, reckless, and firery. The Jock or the Bad Boy. You’ll be struck by love the way trees get struck by lightening. You’ll love the way he’s always so passionate and out there. He’ll drag you out of bed in the middle of the night to do something. To go on an adventure.

• Venus in Taurus: You’ll fall for someone who is stable, protective, reliable, mature, and romantic. The classical gentleman or marriage-material. You’ll fall for him by feeling love slowly creeping up on you. Slow and steady. Like drinking a hot cup of tea or cocoa. It’ll warm you up from the inside. He’s the type of man who’ll wake you up with a plate of homecooked food.

• Venus in Gemini: You’ll fall for someone who is witty, quick, intelligent, easy to talk to and exciting. The popular guy everyone genuinly loves. You’ll fall for him like a breeze on a warm summer day. You see him as a breath of fresh air in a otherwise polluted enviorment. You’ll love his way of being liked by everyone, and the way he can convince anyone into anything.

• Venus in Cancer: You’ll fall for someone who is sweet, caring, protective, sensitive, fair, and loving. The kind, quiet guy who takes care of everyone. He is well liked and respected. Heals the wounded. You fall for him because he makes your heart go all soft and gooey. He probably makes your knees shiver and tremble too. You love him because when he’s at the top, he gives everyone a hand to come join him.

• Venus in Leo: You’ll fall for someone who is loyal, proud, cocky, elegant, loud, and popular. The popular guy. Or the preppy man. He is an elegant royal. You’ll love his fierceness and protectiveness. He’s a king and you’re his queen. He’s a lion and you’re hin lioness. When you fall for him, it won’t be subtle. He might see a strong and elegant woman in you, and you see a strong and elegant man in him. You fall in love in a playful, and challenging manner. Like two people dancing, slowly getting closer and closer.

• Venus in Virgo: You’ll fall for someone who is practical, intelligent, woke, smart, and clever. You’ll probably fall in love with him by him teaching you new things and helping you. He awakens some kind of inner fascination in you for him. You’ll love his way of spreading knowledge and trust. He is well-respected and he’s the one you go to when in trouble. He is the man of steel.

• Venus in Libra: You’ll fall for someone who is diplomatic, gentle, just, popular, and masculine. You’ll fall for him the way Disney princesses fall for their prince. He’s your Prince Charming. Your knight in shining armour. You’ll love how protective and fair he is. He’ll be the type of guy who brings you flowers and takes you out for dinner, but also calms you down, and helps you solve your problems.

• Venus in Scorpio: You’ll fall for someone who is passionate, mysterious, protective, unique, and powerful. The mysterious man, the bad boy. It will be love at first sight. He’s magnetic, you’ll be pulled towards him. You’ll love how he makes the entire world stop. Time stops. There’s just you two. Frozen in time, like two snow cystals in a snowstorm. His magnetic field to strong and powerful. And you’ll love his air of mystery and excitement.

• Venus in Sagittarius: You’ll fall for someone who is fun, loving, exciting, wise, adventurous, and mature. The foreign professor, the traveller. When you fall for him, it’ll feel like the sun rising over the meadow on a dewy summer morning. Warm, and enlightening. You’ll love the way his mind is like a library and his lust for travelling, learning, and exploring. His mind is like a map, always expanding. You grow together with him. Like the mist in the forest, spreading all over the landscape.

• Venus in Capricorn: You’ll fall for someone who is stable, mature, wise, logical, protective, mysterious, and classy. The man. Like a flower in the ground, blossoming, your love for him wil blossom into a beautiful flower on stable ground. He’ll be your rock. Standing with your back against a tree, the tree wraps around you and almost swallow you up. You’re safe and home. That’s what you feel for him. Deep in a dark, but safe and warm cave.

• Venus in Aquarius: You’ll fall for someone who is unique, original, intelligent, bizarre, spontaneous, and eccentric. The intellect. The rebellious leader. When you meet him you’ll be intrigued and impressed. He’s like a cult leader. You’ll fall in love with his mind and ability to lead an army of justice. You’ll feel powerful with him. And you’ll feel hope for the future, and what has yet to come.

• Venus in Pisces: You’ll fall for someone who is genuine, sweet, intuitive, caring, gentle, wise, and healing. You’ll be pulled in by the mysterious and unique persona, almost like crystal ball, it’s clear. When you fall in love it’s like a starry night. You feel like they open up your mind and awakens your 6th sense. You’ll feel nostalgic with them. Like two children, running through the forest on midsummer’s eve, dreaming of what can be.

presence 

I’ve been working so long on myself: to heal old wounds, identify unconscious negative thought patterns, and surrender with trust into the flow of life that I’ve been forgetting about the outward stuff lately. 

Doing the inside work is important, but it’s also just as important to develop yourself in the world. Socially, career-wise, financially… 

I do this thing where I get really focused on what’s happening in my emotional world, and I forget to keep working towards my outside world goals and aspirations. Then I’ll look through my journal and remember, “Oh shit! I still have all these goals to work on.”

What really helps me in getting back to a place where I’m focused on both inner and outer wants/needs, is staying present in the moment. It’s so easy to get caught up and carried away in ruminating about every little thing that’s happening (believe me, I am the QUEEN of over analyzing), but ultimately that gets you nowhere. 

And the funny thing is life always seems to come along and gently tap me on the shoulder. Like hey girl, remember to stay on the path that’s been set for you. 

I dreamt last night of two tiny yellow birds, who landed on me and sang the prettiest song. This morning I looked it up and found a lot of info about yellow warblers and this insightful paragraph that really spoke to me:

Warblers are also telling us how to focus our energies. Sometimes we tend to spend our time to things that are not valuable. Make sure that we develop the things that can help us grow, because if not, we will only waste our time and energy. Start from analyzing your talents; hone your skills by undergoing a formal training, and join competition. This will further improve not only your talents but also your self-esteem. (auntyflo.com)

I’m excited to start focusing on my goals again and what I want to manifest in my life. I kept putting those things on the back burner to dive deeper inside, but I’m realizing more and more that I need to balance both of those worlds. Without balance I’ll never be whole. 

My personal reminder for this week: stay light & remember inside development is nothing without integrating it into your outer world. 

letting go. 

I don’t know if it’s my period or what, but these last few days have been r o u g h. It seems like everyone I would rather not see from the past is popping up to test me. To make sure I’ve learned the lessons I was supposed to through our relationships. And I don’t think I’ve passed. 

Well, maybe I have. Even though I reacted in less than admirable ways to these obstacles, I’m proud to say that I’ve done better than I would’ve even a few months ago. And maybe that’s the most important thing. 

I consider myself pretty good at cutting things out of my life that don’t fit, but these past few weeks have shown me just how much baggage I’m still holding onto. I had no clue! 

But it’s time to let go. I’m letting go of all the beliefs, relationships, and whatever else that no longer serve me. The thing I’m realizing about life is that you never stop growing and learning. You might get a short break,but then it’s back at it again. And it’s way harder to keep moving forward while dragging all this old baggage behind you. 

So goodbye. 

Clearing out the past makes so much more room for the present and all of the things I have been calling into existence.