overwhelmed

Last night, I finally noticed the almost imperceptible nagging at the back of my mind, and desire to self destruct, are symptoms that I’m feeling: overwhelmed.

I’ve been dying to escape lately. Any way I can find. Whether it’s sleep, Netflix, endless scrolling through Tumblr, or going out. I’ve been tryin to outrun myself.

Working towards my yoga teaching certification is a lot more stressful than I thought it would be. And I think part of that is the feeling that I don’t really want to teach… so why am I pressuring myself to perform above and beyond? Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE yoga… the thing is I just don’t understand why I felt called to enroll in the program. And my favorite learning is for fun, whenever grades and stuff start to get involved it’s hard for me to feel motivated to do my best.

Maybe I’m just being lazy?

To be honest, I’ve always had a hard time finishing things. I’m great at starting them, but then I get bored and struggle to push through to the end. It takes a lot to keep me interested, and once I start to feel my attention drifting, it’s hard to get it back.

Plus there has just been sooo much emotionally to process lately (that I’ve been avoiding). I can feel it starting to scream louder and louder for my attention. But I’m scared to look at it up close. I’m so over crying. And I know you gotta feel it to heal it, but I don’t want to! I’m tired of being sad. I guess that never goes away in life though…

I’ve also been feeling a manic need to clean out my closet and get rid of everything I own that doesn’t resonate with me anymore. It’s like a major life facelift. That stresses me out! I don’t know who this new person is, but I know it’s not the old me.

I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. Like it doesn’t fit right.

And it feels like I’m catching a cold. (Maybe my body is forcing me to slow down and rest and process). I’m so excited for fall break. I’m going to rest and still be productive in manageable ways. I really need some days off.

Also, the news! All the pain and suffering that so many people are speaking out about right now is overwhelming. The world seems like a crazy, hopeless place some days. But I keep telling myself that love always wins. And that even though it’s not my job to heal everyone, I can be as full of love as possible and spread that everywhere I go.

Hopefully after catching up with myself this week I’ll feel ready to take on the world again. That’s what self care is, right? 💜

art by me

getting some rest

Maaaan today I have zero energy or motivation to get up. I can’t tell if I’m being lazy or my body really need the rest. I feel like a brick lol.

I’ve been working on things I can still lie down while doing… homework, emails, that kinda stuff. But, I told myself that in an hour I gotta take a shower and tackle the rest of the things on my to do list.

Even writing this seems like so much effort right now lol.

Oh man! I just realized my period is starting soon. That’s probably it. I get way tired and just want to sleep 24/7. My body goes into hibernation mode. I wish I could get work off and just sleep for 5 days straight. That would be amazing!

Well, now that I realized what might be going on I don’t feel so guilty for moving in slow motion this morning. Not forcing things is a continuous practice, especially in a country where it’s always about constant production.

I’m taking a guilt free nap. Take that capitalism!

hope is finally here!

Instead of forcing myself to be productive today, I let myself rest. I took a hot shower and then snuggled in my bed all day drifting in and out of dreamland. It was wonderful.

I decided this week that I would practice being and integrating instead of continually pushing myself to check things off on my to do list. Usually I don’t give myself time to process and just jump ahead to the next task… but I started to realize how unhealthy this is. Resiliency can be a blessing and a curse.

Then I read The Hoodwitch’s Witch Tips & Horoscopes for this week and the questions I had been asking myself were answered. Isn’t it funny how that happens?

I hope you can feel the change in the air too! I finally feel free to follow my dreams even though I don’t know where that will lead. Being able to progress forward without the pressure of everything coming out perfect is exactly what I needed!