authentically me

I’ve been running away from myself this past week. Trying to shut out the wisdom that has been doing its best to reach me. Numbing and distracting myself by not allowing all the feelings to come through. But I don’t have the energy to keep avoiding myself anymore. I’m dying to be totally me again. I start to feel stuck and out of whack when I stop listening to that unbounded voice inside of me that gently whispers about what’s next. The most fulfilled and joyful me is running free and following her heart.

My favorite dream I’ve ever had about her:

I was going to a friend’s wedding and was going to be one of the bridesmaids. I brought some amazing red gowns that I wanted her to pick from. When I got there the wedding planner didn’t like any of them, and told me to wear a super boring periwinkle dress with a handbag I hated. I wouldn’t do it and ran off to the forest. I was wearing a dress and boots that were like the rainbow, all the colors magically swirling and shifting every moment. I  was climbing the trees and felt so beautiful and wild and free. That’s the real me.

I’ve been searching for a sign telling me what to do next; should I really listen to those mysterious little whispers? How do I take the leap of faith? Usually I just jump off the cliff and think about the consequences later, but I’ve been feeling the need for responsible risk taking lately. That’s made me feel really stuck.

It’s time to follow my heart and trust that I will continue to be taken care of. I can’t believe in a life that would give me such wonderful dreams if I wasn’t supposed to follow them. What would be the point of seeing all those beautiful things, but not being able to achieve them? I really like the concept of faith that I learned from one of my yoga teachers this month. She said that faith is taking the action as if you know that it is real and true, and by doing that you create it. Sounds a little backwards, but that’s always been how it is for me. I do something that seems completely crazy and it opens up a whole new world.

Change has meant a lot of things are ending in my life. Although I am sad, I am deciding to look at it as a new beginning. Without those experiences and relationships I wouldn’t be here to day. And whenever I start to get really sad about something that I must let go, I remember that it will always exist somewhere. In another life or another universe I am there, loving them and enjoying that experience. And I know that there is so much more love to come. Love bigger and more amazing than I could have ever imagined.

I don’t know why whenever things seem to finally settle down, it’s time to shake them up again. But it keeps life exciting! Maybe that’s what peeling off all those layers that aren’t really me is. A constant shedding and recalibrating until everything in my life reflects the real, true authentic me.

art by me ✨

Remembering Your Innate Wisdom 

“Within each action, each thought, each word spoken, each moment, live two realities, two options: one brings flow, connection, a feeling of uplift, the other a heavy blanket that compresses spirit and heart. 

We through our days, are feeling either the winds of uplift or are compressing our bodies and selves. It is time to remember, your bodies own wisdom. To remember the way it feels and responds to your moments, so you may live intentionally as you desire.”

by Sarah Blondin from Live Wake, listen here

surrender 

Since October 2016 my life has been turned upside down. My lease ended and I’ve been bouncing around from friends to relatives houses and applying for so many apartments I’ve lost count. 

I’ve looked in LA, Salt Lake City, Park City, around the world… anywhere I could think of! And I haven’t gotten approved for a single apartment. It has been the most terrifying and stress inducing time of my life. 

Things seem to go ok for a while, I get a new “normal” going, and then I have to move again. Currently, I’m staying with my Mom. She told me that I only have until September 1 to find a place, and then whether or not I do, I can’t stay with her anymore. 

I somewhat understand (her lease doesn’t allow visitors longer than a certain time period & she doesn’t want to get kicked out if they find out I’ve been staying with her), but at the same time I’m like “damn… if even your mom doesn’t care if you’re for real homeless then why would anyone else?” 

This experience has brought up many questions surrounding a lot of issues; specifically with myself and my place in society but some of the things I can’t stop thinking about are:

Why is housing not a universal right? Everyone deserves adequate and affordable housing, no matter their circumstances. Especially single parents. 

Captialism is fucked. How can I work my ass off and still not have the resources to provide a decent life for myself and my family, especially when there are people who have more money than they know what to do with?

The system is rigged. From credit to housing to employment and wages, our society has intentionally been set up to keep poor people in poverty and rich people getting richer. 

Self worth. Not having the resources or being given the opportunity to improve your circumstances directly ties into how you value yourself as a human being. Why is my value attached to things that are out of my control and really don’t even matter. Life is about so much more than working some bullshit job (if you can even get one) to scrape by and barely survive. It’s fucking 2017!! 

So while going through this and trying to make sense of how I got here and why it seems impossible to get out, I’ve done a lot of soul searching and praying to figure out what the fuck to do. While I haven’t found an answer, I can say that working on what’s inside has been incredible. I’ve developed in ways I couldn’t imagine a few years ago. 

The most important thing I’ve learned through this time is to keep surrendering. Whatever you hold onto life will pry from your grip. I am trying to build something new and better… which I can’t do with all of that old stuff hanging around anyway. Sucks, but I know it’s for the best. 

This meditation really helps when I’m feeling overwhelmed and ready to give up. Anything I’ve ever heard from Sarah Blondin speaks directly to the most knowing parts of myself. I will continue to move forward in faith, letting go of all that weighs me down.