never settle

After a day of adventure we were hangry. I had been trying to avoid going there at all costs, I hoped maybe he wouldn’t be working… but he was. Yikes.

I was nervous and kinda weird, but he was way nice to me and my family. My mom was all excited because she told me she had a ‘feeling’ about him when I first told her I met him. Her actually liking the guy I like is a miracle.

I was sad after we left because things between us hadn’t worked out how I wanted, and somewhere inside I still hoped we could end up together. I wanted my mom to be right (I think this is like the only time that happened lol).

Seeing him just made the whole situation seem more lonely to me. I could never tell him all the things I wanted to, there was too much! That’s the worst kind of regret.

But then I realized – fuck that! I’m done wanting people who don’t want me. I’m done with men who think they want me, but are only interested in my looks and don’t stop to ask how I feel about anything. And men who want to be 1/2 in 1/2 out. Just because we want the same prefab house… that isn’t love.

I’m fucking dope, and until I find the man who sees that, and who I think is equally dope, I’m cool with staying single.

No more unrequited love. No more doing girlfriend things for guys who can’t commit to having a girlfriend. I know what I’m worth and they aren’t willing to pay the price: commitment, communication, and holding each other down 100%.

I’m the queen of giving people so many chances and convincing myself that I can see how good they are under all the mess, if only they could see it too! But, the thing is… no matter how true that might be, if they aren’t willing to live that, then it doesn’t matter. Love is about action that is happening right now. Not some possibility in the future of them finally deciding to be who you want them to. And that’s not fair anyway, asking someone to be something just for you.

How did it take me a lifetime to learn this? And I’m sure I’ll forget and have to learn it over again. The lesson repeats as needed, right? lol

photo by Heather Nan for Soil and Stem

remembering your worth

“It’s time to remember now, that you my dear one, were born worthy. I know you have been taught to search for this worth, taught to find ways to prove your value, find ways to be so that you are given, but dearest love, this was an accident… a teaching that was instilled in us, by those lost to their beauty and given worth as well.”

Sarah Blondin

Remembering Your Worth Meditation

the perfect reminder to continue practicing self love through whatever may be coming to the surface 💜

i’m in love

…with myself!

This time I’m crying in the library instead of Whole Foods, but they are the happiest tears I’ve ever felt. Yesterday I had another Raven vision of my life, and all the drama that’s happening, and I was like omg… it doesn’t matter! And none of it can take away from how fucking awesome I am!!

No matter what other people may say, positive or negative, I love myself. I love who I am. I love my journey. I love everything about me.

A few weeks ago I wrote about how I can feel the magic in the air this year and that 2018 is the year of love, but sitting here, I realized that while I would absolutely LOVE to meet someone to share my life with… I’m already in love, with ME! So finding someone else is going to be icing on the cake.

We are each all so much more powerful and resilient than we acknowledge or give ourselves credit for. We’ve all made it through some shit! And when we can finally take a step back and give ourselves credit for all of our hard work, that’s when we can really step into our power.

Our power lies in our connection to every single other person. None of us are alone, no matter how lonely and isolated we feel. Even when we feel like we have been taken so low that we’ll never be able to get up… remember, my love, that you have the strength to overcome anything.

And maybe the trick lies in being present. Not judging anything as good or bad, but marveling that we are able to have the experience at all. The darkest times of my life have taught me to appreciate every. single. breath.

One day we won’t be here anymore. We won’t be able to feel the rush of breath in our chest, the touch of someone we cherish, or even the pain of being human. And to me, that is the most profound reason I’ve found to enjoy life. Beause even when things feel fixed and like they will never change or get better… they always do. NOTHING is forever.

So I’m recommitting to enjoying every last moment I have. Being in love with myself, with my life, with everyone around me. Because I don’t know how I lucked out to be born on this beautiful world (I mean statically what are the chances?!) and live the life that I am here to live, but I plan on living it to the fullest!

Conquering all of my fears. Jumping off every cliff of uncertainty I can find. Until one day it’s time to step through the doorway into whatever is in store for me next.

We are all in this together, so let’s create a world of LOVE 🙂

friends are the family you choose

I’m so grateful for my friends.

Without them I don’t know how I could’ve made it through 2017. They’ve been there for me, even if it was just as silent support to my unnamed fears.

Laughter has truly been the best medicine. Through all the setbacks, it’s been the crazy interweb jokes and nights we laugh until our cheeks hurt that have kept me going.

Friends have also helped me see the value in myself. It’s been really hard to not let what’s happening to me define who I am. It’s a constant struggle to separate who I am from what I’m feeling and experiencing in my life.

While I definitely believe in the magical healing power of self love, I don’t know if I would have the same level of compassion and love for myself if my friends didn’t remind me that I’m worthy all of that love.

I hope that I can be just as encouraging and nurturing to others as my friends have been to me. Watching their example I’m learning a new way to talk to myself and the people around me. A dialogue filled with softness and forgiveness.

letting go. 

I don’t know if it’s my period or what, but these last few days have been r o u g h. It seems like everyone I would rather not see from the past is popping up to test me. To make sure I’ve learned the lessons I was supposed to through our relationships. And I don’t think I’ve passed. 

Well, maybe I have. Even though I reacted in less than admirable ways to these obstacles, I’m proud to say that I’ve done better than I would’ve even a few months ago. And maybe that’s the most important thing. 

I consider myself pretty good at cutting things out of my life that don’t fit, but these past few weeks have shown me just how much baggage I’m still holding onto. I had no clue! 

But it’s time to let go. I’m letting go of all the beliefs, relationships, and whatever else that no longer serve me. The thing I’m realizing about life is that you never stop growing and learning. You might get a short break,but then it’s back at it again. And it’s way harder to keep moving forward while dragging all this old baggage behind you. 

So goodbye. 

Clearing out the past makes so much more room for the present and all of the things I have been calling into existence. 

For the past few years I’ve been starting to wonder if I’m going to be alone forever. Getting closer to my 30s and watching everyone and their mom get married or commit to serious relationships has started a slow but building panic attack that yes, maybe I will end up a lonely old lady after all. 

I’ve never had great luck with love. In high school and my early twenties I found lots of guys who I was interested in, but they never felt the same way about me. I’m sure a psychologist would say watching my mom be super single (like not even dating) my whole life and never meeting my dad has a lot to do with me choosing unavailable men. And I’m sure that has a lot to do with it… it just always seemed like there was nobody I ever felt deeply about. The guys were hot but the crushes would end quickly and then it was back to square one. 

Then, about four years ago, I met a guy at my favorite bar in Park City and I fell in love hard and fast. Besides being attractive, funny, driven, and sharing similar interests; he understood me. It felt like we had known each other forever. We spent every minute of every day together and when he moved to Italy to get his Master’s degree, I quickly followed and for three months we traveled and fell deeper and deeper in love. Or at least I did. 

Looking back I can honestly say that our relationship wasn’t healthy in more ways than one but I was so blinded by what I thought was love that I kept choosing to make it work. I thought because I loved him so much I could forgive him for cheating on me, fulfill my dreams through him, and finally say with certainty that I was worth something because he validated all of those parts of me that I thought were unlovable. 

I came back from Italy to get ready to move there permanently with him and Zeke. I thought we were going to be a family, start a business together, and travel the world. But… he broke up with me over Skype a few weeks after I got back and never talked to me again. Well, to be fair a few months later after me calling, texting, skyping, praying, and sending telepathic messages he finally wrote me a quick message on Facebook that still didn’t explain why he ended things. 

For the next three years I was pretty sure I was definitely dying of a broken heart. I cried so much I didn’t think there could be any tears left, but there were always more. I drank and tried to forget how much I was hurting. I did a lot of crazy things and drove people away because I couldn’t deal with the depth of my grief. I felt crazy. 

Over the past year I’ve finally started to heal and have been practicing loving myself. Loving all those parts of me I thought made me never worthy of finding anyone who could actually love me. Loving myself exactly as I am, right now, not in the future or if I change things about myself. It’s so hard! But it’s also so worth it. 

After that whole heartbreak situation I craved love even more than I had before. I wanted someone to take away all the doubt I had and promise to love me forever and never leave; to promise unconditional love. The thing I’ve realized though… is that’s impossible. The only person who I can know for sure will always love me and be with me, is me. Looking outside of myself for validation and love will never fulfill my longing. Only I can do that. 

So I’ve been working on loving myself first and being open to love… knowing that romantic love comes with no guarantees. 

There are a lot of great resources (yay internet) that have taught me about love. I’m a self help book junkie! Lately I’ve been listening to a lot of inspiring TED talks too, like the one I linked to this post, and I’m excited to see where this new outlook leads me. Hopefully I won’t be alone forever, but if I am at least I can learn to be happy and whole on my own.