falling back in love with me

Eclipse season was rough for me. So much old stuff came up that I didn’t feel strong enough to deal with… again.

But, despite feeling incapable somehow I made it through. I’m still here! I felt into my deepest wounds – boy they are infinite – and, amazingly, I found peace there. Somewhere in the depths all the hurt turned into calm. Weird right?

During that whole time I was feeling especially down on myself. Completely unlovable. Just a hideous mess. If I couldn’t love that, for sure nobody else could.

I always laugh at myself, because suddenly it always turns around. And I remember all the strength and tools I have. The choice to simply change my mind about what’s going on.

When I feel like I can’t go on anymore, like I’m literally going to die, something clicks… and I remember that life is like a spiral. The same stuff, just from different viewpoints.

This piece by Portia Nelson perfectly tells the story.

I

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk

I fall in.

I am lost…

I am hopeless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I’m in the same place.

But it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in…it’s a habit

My eyes are open; I know where I am;

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Even though it feels like I’ve been stuck forever, I realized that this time it only took a few weeks to get out of the hole. Before that would take me months… or even years.

One day I woke up and it was all gone. The fear, self loathing, all that negative mess holding me in silent suffering. The clouds in my mind were gone. And I remembered how incredible I am. And I’m not saying this is some overly confident way, but incredible just like you! Because I’m here, alive, another day. My mind was wrong about death. About not being enough.

I started to see myself in a more accurate way. Yes, I’m highly flawed (who isn’t?) but that doesn’t mean I can’t love myself or that nobody will ever love me. People do love me! And I love me!

Even though it’s been really hard I haven’t given up yet. I still believe that all my dreams are possible. They’re coming true. I’ve been focusing a lot on what I’m creating instead of what I’ve seen in the past.

Building a whole new world takes work. And a lot has to go to make room for it all. That’s a really hard part for me, letting go. Even if they are things I don’t necessary want just because they are comfortable. But that’s all part of the process.

Now, every morning I wake up excited to be me. Excited to see what I’ll get to do today. Excited to love myself and everyone around me. Being excited about Love instead of afraid is probably the most powerful change I’m making.

I won’t let the past stop me from believing that love is coming my way. And it’s already here! I feel lucky that I’ve had time to get ready and learn better how to love.

I’ve ruined a lot of relationships by not truly being committed to loving. But I think I’m ready now. I’m at least ready to try! So I’m building a circle of love with family, friends, and hopefully soon Him.

i am not my story

This week was so long. Time always slows down when I’m depressed. And it takes me forever to realize that I’m depressed and not just a mess of a human being.

Instead of fighting the depression, my strategy lately has been to just let it be. Watch it and try to figure out what it’s here to tell me. Which can be extremely painful while I’m beating myself up for not being a functional member of society and binge watching the worst shows on Hulu.

I was sick this week too, which made it harder to snap out of it and convince myself I was feeling fine. So I cuddled up and watched way too many shows and didn’t even open the blinds.

But yesterday I decided I had to do something else, so I finished the last chapter of The Path to Love by Deepak Chopra. Of course, it was amazing, and totally made me cry. It’s the worst reading about love when you feel absolutely unlovable, but that’s probably when you need it the most.

So I was reading and then one of the lines stuck out: “The love you seek is seeking you at this moment.” I had forgotten all about my quest for love and wholeness. The spark came on again and I realized what this latest episode of feeling alone and unwanted was trying to teach me.

I am not my story.

Even though all of these things had been happening to me, they weren’t me. They were all here to teach me how much bigger and wider and timeless I am than all of this. Once again I had gotten too caught up in the role I’m here to play and began to take everything way too seriously.

I love those moments when it totally clicks. You can see the aha like a flash of light to jerk your back into being. Into the present. Because that’s where all the magic is.

Now that I’m feeling more like myself again I’m ready to enjoy my favorite day of the week: Self Care Sunday!

never settle

After a day of adventure we were hangry. I had been trying to avoid going there at all costs, I hoped maybe he wouldn’t be working… but he was. Yikes.

I was nervous and kinda weird, but he was way nice to me and my family. My mom was all excited because she told me she had a ‘feeling’ about him when I first told her I met him. Her actually liking the guy I like is a miracle.

I was sad after we left because things between us hadn’t worked out how I wanted, and somewhere inside I still hoped we could end up together. I wanted my mom to be right (I think this is like the only time that happened lol).

Seeing him just made the whole situation seem more lonely to me. I could never tell him all the things I wanted to, there was too much! That’s the worst kind of regret.

But then I realized – fuck that! I’m done wanting people who don’t want me. I’m done with men who think they want me, but are only interested in my looks and don’t stop to ask how I feel about anything. And men who want to be 1/2 in 1/2 out. Just because we want the same prefab house… that isn’t love.

I’m fucking dope, and until I find the man who sees that, and who I think is equally dope, I’m cool with staying single.

No more unrequited love. No more doing girlfriend things for guys who can’t commit to having a girlfriend. I know what I’m worth and they aren’t willing to pay the price: commitment, communication, and holding each other down 100%.

I’m the queen of giving people so many chances and convincing myself that I can see how good they are under all the mess, if only they could see it too! But, the thing is… no matter how true that might be, if they aren’t willing to live that, then it doesn’t matter. Love is about action that is happening right now. Not some possibility in the future of them finally deciding to be who you want them to. And that’s not fair anyway, asking someone to be something just for you.

How did it take me a lifetime to learn this? And I’m sure I’ll forget and have to learn it over again. The lesson repeats as needed, right? lol

photo by Heather Nan for Soil and Stem

remembering your worth

“It’s time to remember now, that you my dear one, were born worthy. I know you have been taught to search for this worth, taught to find ways to prove your value, find ways to be so that you are given, but dearest love, this was an accident… a teaching that was instilled in us, by those lost to their beauty and given worth as well.”

Sarah Blondin

Remembering Your Worth Meditation

the perfect reminder to continue practicing self love through whatever may be coming to the surface 💜

i’m in love

…with myself!

This time I’m crying in the library instead of Whole Foods, but they are the happiest tears I’ve ever felt. Yesterday I had another Raven vision of my life, and all the drama that’s happening, and I was like omg… it doesn’t matter! And none of it can take away from how fucking awesome I am!!

No matter what other people may say, positive or negative, I love myself. I love who I am. I love my journey. I love everything about me.

A few weeks ago I wrote about how I can feel the magic in the air this year and that 2018 is the year of love, but sitting here, I realized that while I would absolutely LOVE to meet someone to share my life with… I’m already in love, with ME! So finding someone else is going to be icing on the cake.

We are each all so much more powerful and resilient than we acknowledge or give ourselves credit for. We’ve all made it through some shit! And when we can finally take a step back and give ourselves credit for all of our hard work, that’s when we can really step into our power.

Our power lies in our connection to every single other person. None of us are alone, no matter how lonely and isolated we feel. Even when we feel like we have been taken so low that we’ll never be able to get up… remember, my love, that you have the strength to overcome anything.

And maybe the trick lies in being present. Not judging anything as good or bad, but marveling that we are able to have the experience at all. The darkest times of my life have taught me to appreciate every. single. breath.

One day we won’t be here anymore. We won’t be able to feel the rush of breath in our chest, the touch of someone we cherish, or even the pain of being human. And to me, that is the most profound reason I’ve found to enjoy life. Beause even when things feel fixed and like they will never change or get better… they always do. NOTHING is forever.

So I’m recommitting to enjoying every last moment I have. Being in love with myself, with my life, with everyone around me. Because I don’t know how I lucked out to be born on this beautiful world (I mean statically what are the chances?!) and live the life that I am here to live, but I plan on living it to the fullest!

Conquering all of my fears. Jumping off every cliff of uncertainty I can find. Until one day it’s time to step through the doorway into whatever is in store for me next.

We are all in this together, so let’s create a world of LOVE 🙂

friends are the family you choose

I’m so grateful for my friends.

Without them I don’t know how I could’ve made it through 2017. They’ve been there for me, even if it was just as silent support to my unnamed fears.

Laughter has truly been the best medicine. Through all the setbacks, it’s been the crazy interweb jokes and nights we laugh until our cheeks hurt that have kept me going.

Friends have also helped me see the value in myself. It’s been really hard to not let what’s happening to me define who I am. It’s a constant struggle to separate who I am from what I’m feeling and experiencing in my life.

While I definitely believe in the magical healing power of self love, I don’t know if I would have the same level of compassion and love for myself if my friends didn’t remind me that I’m worthy all of that love.

I hope that I can be just as encouraging and nurturing to others as my friends have been to me. Watching their example I’m learning a new way to talk to myself and the people around me. A dialogue filled with softness and forgiveness.

letting go. 

I don’t know if it’s my period or what, but these last few days have been r o u g h. It seems like everyone I would rather not see from the past is popping up to test me. To make sure I’ve learned the lessons I was supposed to through our relationships. And I don’t think I’ve passed. 

Well, maybe I have. Even though I reacted in less than admirable ways to these obstacles, I’m proud to say that I’ve done better than I would’ve even a few months ago. And maybe that’s the most important thing. 

I consider myself pretty good at cutting things out of my life that don’t fit, but these past few weeks have shown me just how much baggage I’m still holding onto. I had no clue! 

But it’s time to let go. I’m letting go of all the beliefs, relationships, and whatever else that no longer serve me. The thing I’m realizing about life is that you never stop growing and learning. You might get a short break,but then it’s back at it again. And it’s way harder to keep moving forward while dragging all this old baggage behind you. 

So goodbye. 

Clearing out the past makes so much more room for the present and all of the things I have been calling into existence. 

love. 

https://youtu.be/3aYWvujaT6M
For the past few years I’ve been starting to wonder if I’m going to be alone forever. Getting closer to my 30s and watching everyone and their mom get married or commit to serious relationships has started a slow but building panic attack that yes, maybe I will end up a lonely old lady after all. 

I’ve never had great luck with love. In high school and my early twenties I found lots of guys who I was interested in, but they never felt the same way about me. I’m sure a psychologist would say watching my mom be super single (like not even dating) my whole life and never meeting my dad has a lot to do with me choosing unavailable men. And I’m sure that has a lot to do with it… it just always seemed like there was nobody I ever felt deeply about. The guys were hot but the crushes would end quickly and then it was back to square one. 

Then, about four years ago, I met a guy at my favorite bar in Park City and I fell in love hard and fast. Besides being attractive, funny, driven, and sharing similar interests; he understood me. It felt like we had known each other forever. We spent every minute of every day together and when he moved to Italy to get his Master’s degree, I quickly followed and for three months we traveled and fell deeper and deeper in love. Or at least I did. 

Looking back I can honestly say that our relationship wasn’t healthy in more ways than one but I was so blinded by what I thought was love that I kept choosing to make it work. I thought because I loved him so much I could forgive him for cheating on me, fulfill my dreams through him, and finally say with certainty that I was worth something because he validated all of those parts of me that I thought were unlovable. 

I came back from Italy to get ready to move there permanently with him and Zeke. I thought we were going to be a family, start a business together, and travel the world. But… he broke up with me over Skype a few weeks after I got back and never talked to me again. Well, to be fair a few months later after me calling, texting, skyping, praying, and sending telepathic messages he finally wrote me a quick message on Facebook that still didn’t explain why he ended things. 

For the next three years I was pretty sure I was definitely dying of a broken heart. I cried so much I didn’t think there could be any tears left, but there were always more. I drank and tried to forget how much I was hurting. I did a lot of crazy things and drove people away because I couldn’t deal with the depth of my grief. I felt crazy. 

Over the past year I’ve finally started to heal and have been practicing loving myself. Loving all those parts of me I thought made me never worthy of finding anyone who could actually love me. Loving myself exactly as I am, right now, not in the future or if I change things about myself. It’s so hard! But it’s also so worth it. 

After that whole heartbreak situation I craved love even more than I had before. I wanted someone to take away all the doubt I had and promise to love me forever and never leave; to promise unconditional love. The thing I’ve realized though… is that’s impossible. The only person who I can know for sure will always love me and be with me, is me. Looking outside of myself for validation and love will never fulfill my longing. Only I can do that. 

So I’ve been working on loving myself first and being open to love… knowing that romantic love comes with no guarantees. 

There are a lot of great resources (yay internet) that have taught me about love. I’m a self help book junkie! Lately I’ve been listening to a lot of inspiring TED talks too, like the one I linked to this post, and I’m excited to see where this new outlook leads me. Hopefully I won’t be alone forever, but if I am at least I can learn to be happy and whole on my own.