we must die, to be born again 

Over the past year I have undertaken my own version of the heroes descent into the Underworld. Death, darkness, agony, and the like have been my constant companions. I’ve been attracted to songs, tv shows, people, places… anything and everything that offered me insight into the deep darkness of my shadow. 

One misconception that I’ve slowly learned to disregard is to fight it, that only makes everything much worse. What’s being asked of you isn’t to fight… it’s to surrender. To give yourself over to the darkness in order to bring forth your light. 

I know there’s a huge movement right now of positive thinking, the law of attraction, creating your own reality and a lot of other get happy quick bullshit, but before you go about creating the life of your dreams, you need to know what that actually means. I’m not at all saying that positive thinking and mindfulness are bad, I’m simply saying that when life calls you on your journey to the underworld: the more you resist and hold onto the life you had before, the harder it will be. 

Death comes to us in order for us to be reborn. Death teaches us that we are not in control and attachments only lead to suffering. While I realize that all of this sounds rather depressing, quite the opposite is true! 

When you willingly allow yourself to transform and live through your highest Self, all the suffering you experienced before ceases. You begin to live through your heart; open and connected to the abundance of love that has always been present. You selflessly share that love with others. You can’t help it, you are one with everything and everyone around you. 

If you’re currently being called to journey through the Underworld, please know that you are not alone. Everything will be ok. You are stronger than you could possibly know. 

Let go, and surrender yourself to the mystery and magic trying to reach you. You are not forgotten, you are supported and loved. 

surrender 2.0 

Sometimes it’s hard to believe that everything is going to work out for the best. 

I tell myself that it will,  over and over again. Something deep inside of me knows that those words some day will ultimately be true, but there is another, more immediate part, closer to the surface that is willing to fight every single one of those words. 

That part closer to the surface is extremely uncomfortable. It just wants to feel secure again. But… I think that was an all illusion anyways. Something you never feel in the moment, but look back on the past convincing yourself it was there. 

So how do I get comfortable with uncomfortability? How do I stop scratching that itch and relax into my biggest fear: the unknown. How do I trust that, whether I make it out alive or not, all of this is to help me grow bolder/stronger/wiser? 

I’ve gotten so tired of surrendering. I want to fight. I want to use force and anger and might to get my way… but that’s gotten me nowhere. I’m not good at all at this whole surrender thing. 

I’m not even sure if I have surrendered… I don’t know how. How do you know you’ve looked your fears in the face? How are you sure that there’s not more attachment? 

I guess until I figure this out I can’t move on. Which seems even more hopeless. I just want to start fresh & new & get moving!! 

Mostly I wish there was someone I could trust to confide in. Fighting all of your battles on your own is a lonely & weary process. 


Since October 2016 my life has been turned upside down. My lease ended and I’ve been bouncing around from friends to relatives houses and applying for so many apartments I’ve lost count. 

I’ve looked in LA, Salt Lake City, Park City, around the world… anywhere I could think of! And I haven’t gotten approved for a single apartment. It has been the most terrifying and stress inducing time of my life. 

Things seem to go ok for a while, I get a new “normal” going, and then I have to move again. Currently, I’m staying with my Mom. She told me that I only have until September 1 to find a place, and then whether or not I do, I can’t stay with her anymore. 

I somewhat understand (her lease doesn’t allow visitors longer than a certain time period & she doesn’t want to get kicked out if they find out I’ve been staying with her), but at the same time I’m like “damn… if even your mom doesn’t care if you’re for real homeless then why would anyone else?” 

This experience has brought up many questions surrounding a lot of issues; specifically with myself and my place in society but some of the things I can’t stop thinking about are:

Why is housing not a universal right? Everyone deserves adequate and affordable housing, no matter their circumstances. Especially single parents. 

Captialism is fucked. How can I work my ass off and still not have the resources to provide a decent life for myself and my family, especially when there are people who have more money than they know what to do with?

The system is rigged. From credit to housing to employment and wages, our society has intentionally been set up to keep poor people in poverty and rich people getting richer. 

Self worth. Not having the resources or being given the opportunity to improve your circumstances directly ties into how you value yourself as a human being. Why is my value attached to things that are out of my control and really don’t even matter. Life is about so much more than working some bullshit job (if you can even get one) to scrape by and barely survive. It’s fucking 2017!! 

So while going through this and trying to make sense of how I got here and why it seems impossible to get out, I’ve done a lot of soul searching and praying to figure out what the fuck to do. While I haven’t found an answer, I can say that working on what’s inside has been incredible. I’ve developed in ways I couldn’t imagine a few years ago. 

The most important thing I’ve learned through this time is to keep surrendering. Whatever you hold onto life will pry from your grip. I am trying to build something new and better… which I can’t do with all of that old stuff hanging around anyway. Sucks, but I know it’s for the best. 

This meditation really helps when I’m feeling overwhelmed and ready to give up. Anything I’ve ever heard from Sarah Blondin speaks directly to the most knowing parts of myself. I will continue to move forward in faith, letting go of all that weighs me down. 


I don’t know how to start this post… because I REALLY don’t want to make it, but I think I have to…

In 2015 I moved into a really nice “luxury” apartment in Sugarhouse. I was so excited to be living there and fought so hard to make it happen. But the truth was, I couldn’t afford it. 

Every month I would cry and wonder how I was going to make rent. Something usually worked out, but honestly I don’t even know how. When my lease ended last Fall, I decided to move out to California. 

That was a total bust. Not only did they penalize me for not giving 30 days notice, even though my lease was up, California was a complete disaster. My relationship with my family fell apart and so I came back to SLC in December to try and rebuild my life. 

My son’s dad said he could stay with him for a few months while I got settled, so I rented a room and started working at a flower shop and getting back into modeling. 

It went well for a few weeks until the drama started, so I asked my friend if I my son and I could stay with him until I found a permanent place, and that was in February! 

I’ve been looking at old places, new places, EVERY place and still haven’t found anything. I went to check out an apartment last week and there were 15 other people waiting to check it out. One girl said she could pay 6 months up front. An hour later, I got an email saying it had been rented. 

I don’t know how I’m supposed to compete in a rental market like this. I don’t have 6 months rent up front lol. 

The most frustrating thing is not having a place of my own to go home to. I feel like I haven’t been able to completely relax since I moved out of my apartment in October. It’s always awkward being in someone else’s space and feeling totally in the way all the time. Like everything you do is taking up too much room. 

I’ve prayed/begged/pleaded that this could be over but it’s still not. I’ve been trying to find the lesson and even though I thought I had (several times) I still haven’t found a place. I’m not even fighting for a place anymore. Maybe out of surrender or pure exhaustion I’ve decided that when the time is right, the place will come to me. 

But until then how do I make it through another day of facing this fear? How do I stay calm and not succumb to the panic I feel constantly rising in the back of my mind? 

Yesterday, I was feeling especially down about the situation, and decided to read some books to see if they had any insight. I opened the book at random to a chapter about trusting life even though it is beyond our control and having the courage to follow your personal path which is terrifying but the only way to unlocking your genius. Scary stuff! 

The root of all my fear is unworthiness. For so long I believed I wasn’t worthy of anything: love, a career I was passionate about, a beautiful home, loving family…

It’s always this same fear showing up in different costumes and here it is, whispering I somehow don’t deserve to get my own place again. That it will never happen and I’ll be stuck here forever, or at least until my friend gets tired of me. 

The book says that this is “…the path through fear. Whatever your deepest fear is, you will meet it and you will transcend it.”I’ve been fighting the fear of unworthiness all of my life, I know how to do that. 

But knowing that I’ll overcome it is the scariest part, because what comes next? 


Isn’t life interesting? 

Watching The School of Life video about Infidelity. Reading Alain de Botton’s The Course of Love. Remembering how my psychic said I would have multiple partners in the future. Becoming super interested and feeling connected to Goddess mythology. This whole situation with that guy (yes, HIM). 

So many things manifesting into my life all at once to help me break through living my life half heartedly. 

I’ve been blind for so long. I’m finally waking up and living my life fully committed to following the path of my heart. 

It’s scary! People don’t like it at all. But the more I do it, the happier I am. I’m finally beginning to understand how my past was always leading me to this moment. I’m beyond grateful for the experiences & knowledge entering my life right now. 

Oh life, I love you!