boys vs. men

I’m done with boys. 

Last night my fake boyfriend invited me to a party for an app he invested in, so like a good fake girlfriend I got all dressed up and went with him. I call him my fake boyfriend because we dated last year and even though he has a girlfriend in Puerto Rico now we still fulfill that mutual need for opposite sex energy. 

To be honest I thought I was totally okay with this agreement. Until last night. He was the guy I could call when my car was acting up (or for any of that man shit I sadly know nothing about) and he called me to cuddle and look good on his arm at parties. 

 I really thought we had the perfect friendship until I drank some wine last night and started realizing shit. 

He’s always talking about how hard it is to be in the same room with me because I’m so attractive but he has a girlfriend now, and my dumbass kept thinking, “how stupid, but cute.” Then last night (and I take full responsibility) after a few glasses of wine and everyone thinking we were married I tried to kiss him on the way home. And he stopped me, because of his girlfriend in Puerto Rico. 

Long story short, I found out last night that we met a day after he came back from a trip there. So this entire time I’ve been the asshole. Thinking we broke up and then he went and met her and fell in love, when really he knew her first. And maybe I’m just being dramatic but I’m so beyond tired of guys choosing me second and making it seem like my fault. 

If he wants to date a 21 year old instead of me, fine. But don’t make me feel guilty for going through a rough patch and needing room and you circling back around to that young, hot girl. I’m not second choice. I’m not here to be your surrogate girlfriend because you’re lonely. That’s not my job. It’s not fair for you to dangle yourself in front of me and then when I finally fall for the bait you say “woah woah I have a girlfriend, you had your chance.” 

So here’s to being single until I find someone who puts me at the top of their list. Team First Place back in full effect. Nobody is worth lowering my standards for. And if that means I’m single forever then bring it on. Like BeyoncĂ© said “Me, myself, and I. That’s all I got in the end. That’s what I found out. And it ain’t no need to cry; I took a vow that from now on I’m gon’ my own best friend.”

connecting 

I’m a master of talking a lot (especially about myself) without revealing what is actually going on in my life. I saw a text post on Tumblr a few months ago that said “sorry I haven’t responded to any of your calls or texts. I was depressed but am feeling better now. Plz don’t talk to me about this in person.” That perfectly sums up my life! I avoid talking about my feelings at all costs. And in the end it hurts me the most. 

One big reason I started this blog was because something inside of me keeps telling me I have to start being open and sharing my experiences with the world. So after months of this nagging sensation, I gave in and posted a few things on here. I just never told anyone about them lol. But a few days ago when I posted about my journey of self love I knew I had to actually share it. So I posted the link on my Instagram and Facebook pages and went to sleep hoping nobody actually read it. 

I was so wrong! The amount of views on my other posts were maybe 2, if I was lucky, but this one got over 20 in just a few hours. And they were from people I know. Not just random people on the internet. “Oh god! Now people are going to know me,” I thought. Which if I’m being honest, is one of my top 3 fears. 

Then, something magical happened. Those people I knew started reaching out to me and sharing similar stories. Past wounds and relationships were discussed openly and finally given closure. I’m realizing more and more that we are all dealing with our demons and nobody has the perfect life you see them project on the internet. One of the best things about allowing yourself to be open and honest are all of the amazing connections you form. 

I’m excited to keep sharing my crazy life with all of you! 

Anxiety 

I feel the vice grip on my heart

moving up my chest 

into my throat
Anxiety is a real bitch. 
I don’t even know 

what my body 

is reacting this way towards
be careful

or it’ll get you too

and as far as I know

there’s no cure
I take a deep breath

and momentarily 

clear the pain

but wait! 
here comes that breathless sensation 

rushing through my chest again 

the monsters in my head 

The monsters in my head won’t shut up today. Telling me I’m not good enough, who am I to date dreaming of selling my art, why apply for Salt & Honey Market when I know I’ll be rejected, I don’t have space to be creative, it’s not the right time…

I try to yell SHUT UP! And they babble on faster than before explaining/verifying/identifying all of my weak spots, where I fall short. 

It’s that low level unhappiness constantly playing right beneath my consciousness which is the most frustrating. How do I make it go away? 

The old “me” wants to smoke all the weed, take a real long nap, or go out for drinks with a friend. I know these will only make things worse so I busy myself with chores, meditate, feel the winter air & sunshine on my face, write in my journal, and get my art supplies out. 

It’s hard to create in this mood, but I know that once I get going I’ll feel so much better. Slipping into that familiar peaceful state…