feeling off

Ever since the new Moon this weekend I’ve been feeling… weird. Not like my usual self. It’s not exactly that I’ve been depressed, but maybe like depression lite? And I know nobody is happy all of the time, but in this fake positive culture it’s hard to accept and deal with emotions that aren’t easily pinned down.

I think maybe a lot of it is anxiety. There are some pretty big shifts happening in my life right now and it’s so hard to not compare where I am with anyone else’s journey. Tuning in, I just hear all of the negative things that are running below the surface of my conscious thoughts. I thought with the changes I would feel relieved and light, but I’m feeling much more of the opposite. I have anxiety about an entire new set of problems. wtf. I just want to be worry and fear free!

One thing I’ve learned over the past few months is that sometimes the most positive things are the hardest to accept. I’ve lived so long wanting them, but once they’re attainable all the monsters pop up and remind me of all the reasons I shouldn’t get what I want. Also, suffering gets comfortable. You know what to expect and how to get through it. But, when things change you have to find a new way of living through that reality.

Think I’m going to head to my special spot in the mountains and cry it out after work. Sometimes that’s all the release I need to pinpoint whatever the uncomfortable feels are trying to point out. But if that doesn’t work I can always listen to sad songs and eat dark chocolate. Through is almost always the best way out.

the weird world of datingĀ 

Last summer my neighbor would always hit on me, and I always denied him cuz he was constantly drinking and partying and hit on LITERALLY everyone at the pool lol. 

He would usually say to give him a chance because he was raised by a single Mom and knew what that was like and wasn’t scared. I saw him at the bar the other night and he kept trying to get my number again, but I said no. I told him the same reasons and he brought up again how me having a kid didn’t bother him. 

The next day I was thinking about it and decided… maybe I should give him a chance. Maybe I was just pushing him away because I was scared that he wasn’t scared of me being a single mom. He was actually available, which is the most terrifying thing to me lol. So I gave him my number and then he texted me and we set up a date. 

After asking if he could see me before the date he didn’t reply to my answer for a few days. I didn’t think too much about it, people get busy and life can be crazy. But then this morning he texted me and was like I actually can’t take you out. I don’t want to lead you on blah blah blah. 

….what? Lol 

At least he had the balls to tell me but why go through all that effort knowing it’s not something you want? Anyways, on to the next!